I'm Glad I'm A Man

 I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
 I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
 I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
 I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
 I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
 and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

 I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
 I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
 and I don't go around checking my reflection
 in everything shiny from every direction.
 I don't whine in public and make us leave early
 and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

 I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
 I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
 I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
 I don't carry our differences into the sack.
 I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
 or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
 I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
 I know what the time is and I know what to do.

 And I honestly think its a privilege for me
 to have these two balls and stand when I pee
 I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
 It's more fun than dealing with women after all
 I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
 I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
 Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
 I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

 Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
 I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
 I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
 I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
 I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
 I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!



 I'm Glad I'm A Woman

 I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
 I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
 I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
 I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
 I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
 and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

 I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
 my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
 and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
 or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
 I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
 I'm a woman you see --  I'm just not that kind!

 I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
 I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
 It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
 When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
 And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
 I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
 Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
 I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

 And I honestly think its a privilege for me
 to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
 I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
 I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
 I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
 stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
 or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
 then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

 Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
 you can forget all about that old penis envy
 I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
 join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
 I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
 I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you