WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening
RELATIONSHIPS:
First of all, a man does not call it a relationship -- he refers to it
as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday
night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined
my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
total
floozy.... But I want you to know that there's always a chance for
us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and
99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes
rarely prove effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 15-year old females can
function as adults. That is why it is perfectly OK for males in late
30's and 40's to date young females.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male
body is lumpy and hairy. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked
woman's body. Tall attractive males with washboard stomachs and
bulging pecs only turn on homosexual males.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. This is perfectly legible to other males after
consuming several beers. Women use scented, colored stationary and
they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley
face at the end of the note.
COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even
try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women
will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime, a beer, and something green in a container.
Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good
including the 4 food groups of beer, chips, hot-dogs and ice cream.
By the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car
on
Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to
the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then
slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet
are
under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any
time
she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for
the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
GOING OUT:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out,
even if he just woke up and is still in the clothes he wore to last
nights bachelor party. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it
means she WILL be ready to
go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her
makeup...
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware there are children living in the house.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of
the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That
must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS
the pain.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will
dress
up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out
of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. If a woman asks the
man if he is using that dryer, this means she is expressing her
attraction to him and her desire to see him later that evening.
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about how beautiful the
ceremony was. Men talk about how beautiful the red-head at the
bachelor party was.
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women
wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that
have
pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back...what is
that?!
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will
call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike,
Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer
to each other as Bluto, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in
$20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface:
mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. A woman
often feels unnattractive to men at this time. Menopause in a man
provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French
cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. The
large belly, sagging buttocks and toupe only enhance his looks to
females at this time.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the
same friend and they will talk for three hours.
DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the
while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get
there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize
that
7-11 store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
admitted
he was wrong was General George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men
hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at
the
health club and dates only other men's wives.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of this obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature
TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic
equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video
games.
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to
operate.
PLANTS:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state
of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always
end
up taking better pictures.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract
terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they
never
lie.
FAVORITE ROOM:
A woman's favorite room is the living room. This is where she
entertains and socializes with close friends and relatives. The man's
favorite room is the garage. This is where he can take the car apart,
get grease all over him and hide pictures of Pamela Anderson in the
tool box.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game
just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time about love and
relationships Men on a boys' night out say about 10 words all night,
most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms
as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each
other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together
like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man
excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was
just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
---End of forwarded mail from "Andy Henkel"
