Do you remember junior high and High school? Do you remember
talking about 'the bases' with your friends?...Well forget em!! This is
*FOOTBALL*
With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any
of the previous complications of having to remember the difference between
second and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a
strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a boring,
confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to compare it
to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose
of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of
football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet, but as
you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved
using The Original Handbook Of Football.
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WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FEILD (if you're not on the field, get on)
you're at 10 yard line ............. holding hands
20 yard line ............. hugging
30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek
40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips
MIDFIELD ............. toungue kissing
his/her 40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off
30 yard line ............. all clothes off
20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)
1ST AND GOAL ............. put on the condom
GOAL LINE ............. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)
NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT
DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.
kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a date)
kicking it deep...........Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out deep
in your own end)
on-side kick..............Asking out a slut (starting near midfeild, On
side kicks are good if they work but are risky)
kick return...............How far you get on the first date
NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE KICKOFF IS
OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.
Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards(get further with her,
Here in Canada you get two downs and then you best
kick ie. ask out a new girl cause you ain't getting
further with this one. Americans are more patient,
they get three downs before they should kick again.
Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time.
Passing Play..............Skipping stages
OH OH
Fumble....................Impotence
Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection
Interception..............Homosexuality (YOUR GOING THE OTHER WAY!!)
OTHER DEFINITIONS
Turnover..................Anal sex
Field Goal................One of you orgasm, 3pts (Field goal range begins
around their 30, when the clothes are off!)
Touchdown.................Mutual orgasm, 6pts
Extra Point...............The smoke afterwards
Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number
High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms
Rain Delay................Parents/Roommate comes home
Pile Up...................ORGY
Missed Field Goal.........Wide right,Wide left or even worse, to short!
3RD down and inches.......Call for a measurement (Move those Yardsticks)
THE OFFENSE
Quarterback...............The most important position, the missionary
Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions
Center(HUPPER)............Doggie Style
Running Back..............A hand-off
Tight End.................Self Explanatory
Wide Receiver.............Opposite of Tight End
Nose Tackle...............(Use Your Imagination)
DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)
Defensive Line.............Condom
Break in the defense.......Condom breaks
The Safety.................The Pill (just to be safe)
A Blitz....................A "Quickie"
PENALTIES
Roughing..................S & M
Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints
Offsides..................Premature Ejaculation
THE BOWLS
Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)
Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex
Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex
Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America
Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance)
SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW
TO USE THEM, HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFUL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK
OF FOOTBALL REALLY IS.
1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but
it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.
2. Their was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to mid-feild but
then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work
because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10
yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the
Quarterback who did a Quarter back sneak. The game turned out to be the
highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!
3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup.
4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field goal
attempt was short.
