GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY
HALLMARK


1. Happy Vasectomy!  Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got 
real snippy.


2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well 
soon"...but I know it's incurable.


3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the 
tire....I found your cat... Sorry!


4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a 
bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.


5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they 
find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.


6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the 
bright side, she's a really good lay.


7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about 
your wife though... She's moving in with me.


8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have 
installed... Win'95.


9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... 
that case of Bud Dry


10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next 
time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.

-------------------------
"Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" said the wife.
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."  And would you let her wear my old 
clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the pictures of 
me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I suppose you'd 
let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She is left-handed."

-------------------------
SEEING IS BELIEVING
===================

A man walks into a supermarket to buy some cat food. He goes into the 
checkout counter to pay for the cat food. To his surprise the clerk asked 
him, do you own a cat? Oh course I do...Well I'm sorry, If I can't see or 
touch the cat I can't sell you any cat food. PUT IT BACK ON THE SHELF.

A few days later he goes back to buy some dog food. The clerk asked him 
again...do you own a dog? Again she tells him, If I can't see or touch 
the dog, I can't sell you any dog food. PUT IT BACK ON THE SHELF.

He returns the next day, with a brown paper bag, goes up to the clerk 
again, and said to her, put your hand into this paper bag. Now I want you 
to touch it and see it. She pulls her hand out, and in a high pitched 
scream, yells out OH MY GOD IT'S SHIT!.....YOU GOT THAT RIGHT 
BABY!.....Now will you sell me four rolls of toilet paper?


Thanks for sharing your jokes!  I love um!

chad cooper
coopers@netins.net