Believe me, it's really eerie. Now, the fact of Barney's existence on this show is written off as "imagination". But supposing it isn't?

Supposedly, Barney is just some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur suit. Several things about this theory don't add up, however. Barney has full mobility, for one thing. Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his hands ever did anything and the other was always clutching his stomach like he was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's because Big Bird was a guy in a suit. That other hand was OPERATING HIS BEAK. Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working mouth, and LARGE, MOVING COW-LIKE EYES. If that's a man in there, he's no ordinary man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the ability to leap in the air and CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human would sweat like a cheese trying stunts like that.) If he's not a human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?

1) He's a real dinosaur. Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is questionable, the geological record is far from complete. Since Barney is apparently warm-blooded, this would support current revisionit paleontological theory. (The singing ability is a new twist, however.) And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the other hand, while he is built along the lines of a carinvore (Family Tyrannosauridae) his teeth seem those of a herbivore, or at best, an omnivore. Assuming those are teeth.

2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly parent figure in order to train young children to be his unholy army of ultimate darkness. You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it seems. Look at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why. Adults think he's really creepy. Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way to test this out would be to confront the fiend with a crucifix.

3) He's a space alien. This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might have access to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even begin to comprehend: hypnosis beams, holographic projectors, even large-scale matter re-assemblers. All of theses could account for the "powers of imagination" as depicted on the show. As for his motives and purpose, see above.

Notice I waste no time asking if Barney SHOULD be stopped. Of COURSE he should be stopped. It's a given. But how?

1) Wait for him to go away. Most media darlings eventually do this. However, we can't afford to take chances. Our children's BRAINS are at stake.

2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips shut. You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.

3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him. If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he doesn't have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think of it, he probably gets his power from...The Children's Television Workshop. Cut their funding!)

4) Stop believing in him. Scoff if you will. It worked with my boss at the car wash.

Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT Barney is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's an alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And remember, you won't get your kids back until Barney is dead.dead.dead.

Barney the Dinosaur is amongst us all, brainwashing helpless children, and you sit there at your terminal chuckling at my so-called "madness". But listen. There's still time to put an end to his evil Jurassic schemes.

Barney is some kind of malignant supernatural force that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur.

There are two principal Barney modes:

1) There is the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall fuzzy purple saurian who moves around freely and talks and sings like an brain damaged castrati.

2) There is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be a small stuffed version of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is Barney's true form. As a creature of darkness, he can take on any form he chooses.

We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume that just because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he IS a fuzzy harmless doll.

In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in active mode he thinks himself invunerable. And THAT shall be his downfall.

You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a bloody crucifix, an iron rod, a Tammy Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them ready at all times in case of random Barney encounters.

If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active mode, take these steps:

*DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!*

His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you gaze too long upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and soul. The effect isn't as obvious on T.V., at least not with adults.

*DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!*

The real danger comes, from the seductive quality of his Song Of Entrapment:

I love you....
Etc...
Etc...
Etc...
Won't you say you love me too?

If you DO say you love him, then he OWNS your soul and all its accessories. And we'll have to kill you too.

*ACT CASUAL.*

Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an autograph for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you can get him to sign an agreement to leave mortals alone for all eternity.

(NOTE: Your pen MUST be filled with blood for this to work. While he is not really likely to fall for a cheap stunt like this, it's certainly worth a try, unless you're worried about him sucking up your soul like jello through a Hoover.)

*DESTROY HIM.*

Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect a thing. The following methods will certainly annilihate most creatures of darkness:

1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a bloody crucufix, saying "Hey? Hey? Hey? Big fella?"
2) Blow pepper at him. Have a Holy Man of God ready to say "Bless you," when he sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get Barney-bits all over you.
3) Blow his face off with a flare gun.
4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive.)
5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this?
6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a 3-D picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water FROM THE FAR SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head, while singing "Amazing Grace", in a month with a "K" in it. (Note: The sword MUST be blessed by His Holiness the Pope. Otherwise, you're wasting your time.)

One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to field test any of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh. All of the above applies to HIM, too.

There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our wrongs and take whatever actions necessary to correct our misdoings. Barney the dinosaur is one of the most hideous creations of modern American culture and as such, he MUST be destroyed. The termination of Barney must therefore become a goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only united can we protect our children and stop his evil reign!

Just turn down volume on the TV the next time Barney appears. Striped of his music ( such as the 'I love you, you love me' chant, one of his most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness immediately becomes visible. I assure you, if you try this, you will feel a chill as you watch the demonic blob silently moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before you. After a moment to recover your composure, you too will realize what must be done.

There is ONE way in which the Purple Horror can be vanquished; wear a concealed talisman inscribed with the Elder Sign. Lure B'harne to the centre of a particle accelerator (if you cannot find one, a pentagonal building will do) raise the talisman and say:

"Y'IIHAIII IA'STHAGGUOSHTH NGH'YAAIH. CEHAIIE B'HARNE SHUDDE-M'ELL. YTHNG'HATH YOGGE-SOTHOTHA OGTHROD!"

This will temporarily destroy B'harne's power, causing it to collapse into a shapeless mass. Now you must work quickly and inscribe a pentacle around B'harne; if you hesitate, B'harne will assume a shoggoth-like form and destroy you. After the pentacle is closed, B'harne's body must be dissolved with acid. (Whatever you do, DON'T burn it.) This will permanently destroy all of B'harne's power within this world and send the horror back for all eternity to the fathomless gulfs of mad chaotic space outside of space, where he can forever play his annoying little tunes as his master, the daemon-sultan Azathoth, dances on his throne. (Note: It is vitally important that the incantation be pronounced without error or hesitation.)

(to the tune of: "I'm a Little Teapot")

I'm a child molester,
tall and stout.
Get on your knees, kids,
suck on my spout.


Don't tell Mom and Dad,
or I will pout.
Then I'll BEND you over,
and REAM YOU OUT!
You love me...I love you...be sure to lick up all the spoo...

Perhaps a hurricane or tornado will drop a large, brick building on the purple monstrosity and rid this world of an evil child molestor (not to mention all the unmentionable little plastic barney toys, lunchboxes, vcr tapes, etc)

I am sorry to have to tell you, but that would do not good what-so-ever. You see the fearful truth is that there is MORE THEN ONE OF THEM! Yes, they are making and sending out those suits by the dozens, they want to make sure that there is at least one Barney in each state who can go out to schools, and they are showing up every where! It's like a Smuffized Jurassic Park meets Invasion of the Body Snatchers!!!!! Be afraid, be very afraid.


Back