I've been trying to think of a suitable tribute to my mum that I could place on the web. To be honest I can't even begin to think of anything that would do her justice. So instead, for the time being, I'll leave a copy of the text I composed to give to the vicar for mum's funeral service.

It includes a reference to the web page mum designed. Please visit it.

I've added a few thoughts of my own afterwards, but don't expect polished prose ...

Jessie Turner

Born, 3 December 1918 in Rochdale.
Married Alfred Turner, 10 December 1951, who passed away in January 1987.
Worked for a number of years at Boots The Chemist before finishing around February 1965 prior to the ...
Birth of son Barrie, 23 March 1965.

Highlights:
All her friends and relatives.
Marrying Dad.
Working at Boots.
Having me.
Visiting the USA and Canada with me in 1992 and 1993.
Hobbies and interests:
Reading.
Crossword puzzles.
Painting (by numbers, models ...), then later in life, colouring.
Garden (until it got too much)
Television.
Looking after me.

We had some good times together. I've lived with her all my life, so like to think I know her better than anyone. Yet I never spent enough time really listening to her, in common with most offspring I think. I didn't think to record any of her memories of friends, relatives and her life. I have no recordings of her voice left. Not regrets, just the truth. I don't think she'd have wanted me to dwell on that though. We had good times.
I've good memories: of Mum and Dad, of family holidays, visits to the seaside, visits to National Trust properties, drives, her smile and laugh, mundane things even. The highlight of Mum's week in recent times was the Sunday shop at Tesco followed by a drive somewhere (or to no particular place.)
Basically she led a simple sort of life by choice. She put up with a lot just to ensure both I and Dad had a more easy time of things. She wasn't particularly interested in any new technology, such as the internet, but I persuaded her to spend some time designing a web page, which she did. It's located at: www.bt3.com/jessie/
The last three years of Mum's life were not particularly special, living, like most people of her age, on memories. Even with me at home. But we tried to work things through together, to make things less stressful. We almost made it ...
She passed away peacefully in Birch Hill Hospital, 29 September 1999, but after a 3 month period of pain, bewilderment and anguish, being moved from home into hospital, ward to ward, back home for a week, into a nursing home, then back into hospital again.
She so looked forward to getting back home, and to some degree of normality.

Mum, hopefully you're at peace at last. You've earned the rest. Thanks for everything.


Barrie Turner. (proud to be her son) 4 October 1999.

A few thoughts ...
(self-centred, but it's just the way things are for now ...)

Reading the above again brings it home to me just how much she meant to me. Speaking to people since her cremation reminds me how much respect she had from others.

My judgment, therefore the rest of this text, is coloured at the moment by the circumstances of mum's passing away. I've no doubt that, in time, I'll be able to put down on paper just what she meant to me, and some memories from our life of 34 1/2 years together. But, for the time being, it's pretty miserable reading.

For the last few years, certain events had made life a little less than ideal for mum. We didn't have a holiday away from home for three years due to illness. Cooking and  cleaning and those interests I've already mentioned were her life. On the odd occasion I felt unwell before the weekend shop, I didn't understand how much it meant for her to get out of the house and go a little drive.

She thought of other people before herself ...

I've few regrets about the way I treated mum. Though like most sons, I didn't listen to her enough. During the final few months, I pushed her perhaps that little too much to do the things I thought she should. I lost my temper with her on occasion. She knew, and luckily for me she told me she knew, that I had her best interests at heart. I'm just sorry I was so insistent ...

A little while before she became ill, I made her throw away the favourite jacket in which she did all her household duties. Although washed regularly, it was stained and tattered with age, and she didn't want to do it, feeling more comfortable wearing it than anything new. I'd tried to get her to bin the thing for months beforehand, without success. I thought at the time that we'd accomplished something. Only now do I really realise ...

The onset of the illness was totally unexpected. Our doctor changed mum's medication and this made her bedridden within a day. I looked after her for just over a week before we both came to the conclusion that it wasn't working. She was admitted to hospital. I'm not going to elaborate on that painful period. Her only reason for carrying on was to get out of hospital and back to our home together.

When mum came out of hospital there were three visits a day from home carers. I was out at work during the day but came home a couple of times at lunchtime to see how she was doing. It wasn't enough. She seemed to be improving in both health and confidence until she had a fall. The fall, even with me seconds away to help get her on her feet, destroyed her confidence to such a degree that it was thought necessary to place her in a local rest home for a period of two weeks to help get things going again.

The time in the nursing home was supposed to get her used to life out of hospital.  It was something that was discussed with her, and she gave her full agreement. It didn't work.

I saw mum around midnight on a windy and rainy Wednesday September 29 1999. The nurse said she'd been reasonably active given the circumstances that day and had passed peacefully away in her sleep. She'd been talking to the doctor earlier, and the staff had no reason to think she'd deteriorate any further.

I'd only missed four days visiting out of the three months she was hospitalised or in the nursing home. On the day she passed away, I didn't visit the hospital ... we'd had an argument the day before and I thought it best we settle things down ...

Could things have turned out differently had I visited that day? I'll never know.

As I said, I've no real regrets, but I would have done differently had I known ...

The weather on the day of the cremation was as good as anyone could wish. Cloudless blue sky and warm out of doors. One of Mum's major interests was the weather. She'd listen to, or watch most forecasts throughout the day, and kept a record in her diary for years of the daily weather conditions. I'd bought her an indoor weather station with a barometer some time previously and she used this to keep a track of how things were going.

I got her ashes a week after the funeral. I'd wondered whether to have them scattered in the Garden of Remembrance, as with Dad, but decided to hold onto them for scattering in a number of locations that meant something to mum, or even just that she'd visited ...
I got them home and put the box on her pillow. I'd say goodbye in the morning, and getting home from work, say hello. Before going to bed, I'd have a little chat, just like we used to ...

Then a couple of days after, it hit me that it was just a box of ashes, and mum was dead.
A hurdle I had to pass over?

I can still talk to mum at any time I feel like it, and it feels good to believe, to know, that she's listening in.
Memories are so precious, but are no substitute though for the real thing.

Just the little things make my memory of her so so special ...
I've been told that she thought so much of me, and that my birth was the proudest time of her life.
I'm going to try my best to ensure that pride is justified.

Missing you mum, but determined.

Barrie.

Please visit that web page I mentioned?
I have a better version of the picture there on my desktop.

Thankyou again for reading.

A few additional thoughts, January 1 2001 ...
(still as self-centred as ever, naturally)

Well, the changeover to any New Year is a time for reflection on the past, and, of course, thoughts of the future. I recently got a new PC, changing from an Apple Macintosh for a number of reasons not important here. What may be important is it's a desktop PC rather than the succession of laptops I've had for the past few years. A few nights ago, I was in my accustomed place in the corner :o) and with the television on in the other corner. Something, I don't know what, made me think mum was talking to me, just like she used to. I looked in the direction of where she used to sit and ... of course you know the rest. Ok, ok, so she'd usually be informing me that I'd spent far too much time on that thing and I should get some jobs done. She, as usual, was right. Now I know *how* right. Strange, isn't it, how the mind works at this time of year? [raises glass: to mum] Hic. :o}

So, anyway ... the year 2000 wasn't quite the success story I wanted it to be, but it made me realise that mum contributed more than she ever knew to making me into the better person I always wanted to be. Sort-of. I haven't been quite the *reliable* person I always wanted to be as friends would tell you were they less polite ... more than I deserve, but hey, I'm only human.

Speaking of strange thoughts, I keep thinking whether I miss mum any less with the passage of time. Yes and no.

No.

:o)

A few additional thoughts, November 3 2001 ...
(*still* as self-centred as ever ...)

Two years and one month ago, mum left me. Except she didn't. What she actually did was provide me with a framework to build myself on. So here I am. Saturday night, stopping in, unshaven, [sniffs] er ... so what if I've had pork & leek sausages two days in succession?! :o)

Well, I still miss her as much as ever, but the passage of time *has* eased the pain. Heck, I wonder what she thinks of me writing this now?

So, have I done the things I promised myself I would? Er ... no. Basically I'm a lazy sod at heart and I guess I always will be. I *will* get there though, you'll just have to accept me as I am until the house is free of all this junk, ok?

;o)

This page hosted by GeoCities. Get your own Free Home Page