-Yeah there it is on the horizon. I see all of the things that I have missed. Why? Why did I not see it. I can't see much now. There was time that all things were clear. A star studded night in the dark filled with anger. Anger of disappointment. The lack of strength. The missing of a will. Or the power to the will. I missed all of it. I missed god. He hit me and thru me in the dirt. He slammed me on my back and for the first time in a long time I cried. I lay there talking to josh wanting him to know what it felt like, but he could not know what it was like to run. To run until you could not run any longer. It was all that I had for sure. The fact that I would be tired. The sweet song of sleep. But I haven't learned. I'm back in my shell my hole my hell. I want to be here. But then I don't I want to look at some one and smile with out any anger any pain any thing to hold back the real me. To get along with the people that I love. Where are they. Does any one really have what I want. I want to talk to god and not be mocked for my weakness. I want some one to look past all of the faults that are in my life and just give me instruction and help without wanting any thing back. I want god to come and live with me. Who am I to compare my pain to yours. My suffering is nothing. I looked and there she was telling me what I never wanted to hear. The pain coursed through my veins and the anger welled up. Not at her but at me. Oh I hated my self I wanted to tell some one so I again asked josh to burden himself and listen to me. She said all that I needed to hear. God woke me up. He hit me where it hurt the most. My love and lack of her. I thought I needed it, but God said no wait. I'll tell you when. Don't listen to your friends listen too God He'll never steer you wrong. I know. -Jim's Vahrenkamp August 10th, 1998