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- The Blind Ref – Sees himself as the friend
of the fast-flowing game. Appears to have lost his whistle and lets anything pass. Beloved
by the hard men of the game.
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- The Whistling Ref – The chronic
whistleblower wears his Acme Thunderer as if it were a permanent brace on his teeth. Much
hated by supporters, he blows up for every minor misdeed, fragmenting the game with a
thousand irritating stoppages. Beloved by the soft men of the game.
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- The Homer Ref - Believes that every savage foul
by the home team is nothing more than an enthusiastic tackle. Knows that the visiting team
are a bunch of animals and acts accordingly. Is usually nervous, timid inconsistent and
agitated. Suffers from the worst disease that can afflict a referee: the desire to be
loved. For some mysterious reason, usually has lily white legs.
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- The Headmaster Ref – Treats all players as
naughty little schoolboys. Gives them patronizingly sarcastic glances at every
opportunity. When warning them, insists that they "Come here!", beckoning
derisively. Given to much finger-wagging and stern lecturing. Particularly hated by all
players.
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- The Flashy Ref - Immaculate costume. Always knows
where the TV cameras are positioned. Uses flamboyant gestures and often acts out fouls in
mime. Appears to have had ballet training and is said to wear hairspray.
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- The Smiley Ref – Has seen it all before and
believes that humor is the best way to defuse potentially explosive situations. Is usually
one of the older men and is given to much athletic sprinting to prove that he is not.
Nearly always smiles when he gives a severe warning – even when swearing at hotheads
in their own language. The players’ favorite.
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- The Perfect Ref – Firm but fair. Restrained
but decisive. Unmoved by emotional outbursts and the baying of the crowd. Unimpressed by
special pleading, and can tell a trip from a dive at fifty yards. A rare species, but not
yet extinct.
The Soccer Tribe
By David Morris |
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 But I was going for the
ball! I promise!
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