Young Andy Murphy from the Southern Shore always wanted to be a Roman Catholic Priest. It was his lifelong dream. So when he graduated, became ordained, and came back to his hometown to celebrate his very first Mass, he was quite excited, and twice as nervous.

He was so nervous, in fact, that about an hour before the scheduled Mass, he went to Monsegnoir O'Rourke for advice on how to control his nervousness.

"Ahh my boy," said the Monsegnoir. "Its a good sign that you're nervous. I was quite nervous too at my first Mass. Its quite normal.
But, there is a little trick that you can use to overcome it."

"Oh, please Monsegnoir, tell me, what is it?" asked Father Andrew, as he was now known.

"Well," explained the good Monsegnoir, "you know how in school when you would be practising your sermons and practising Mass, you would always have a glass of water close at hand?"

"Yes," replied the young Priest.

Monsegnoir O'Rourke leaned closer to Father Andrew and whispered, "just make sure its not water in the glass, use vodka instead. It'll calm your nerves and everything will be just okay."

Father Andrew took Monsegnoir O'Rourke's advice and went on to celebrate his first Mass. Following the Mass, he proceeded to the Monsegnoir's office for a review and critique of his preformance.

Monsegnoir O'Rourke wasn't there, but a note was tacked to the door, which read:

Father Andrew,
Glad to see my advice worked. You did not appear nervous at all. However, there are a few details I feel I must point out to you.
First of all, it is not proper to leave the alter five times during Mass to refill your glass.
Secondly, there are TEN commandments, not TWELVE.
There are TWELVE Disciples, not TEN.
Thirdly, Our Lord and His Apostles should not be referred to as J.C. and the boys.
Fourthly, The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost is not Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
The Cross is not the BIG X!!!
The Grace at The Last Supper was not "Rub-a-Dub-Dub Thanks for the Grub. Yeah God!!!"
Next Saturday, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
And last but not least, David slew Goliath. He did not beat the shit out of him!!!