The club celebrates the season’s end with its annual piss up at Donnelly’s this weekend..

The second half of FBSFC weekend double header went a little better than the first - but I must admit this eight game losing streak is starting to get embarrassing!

More "brain cramps" on the pitch lead to this loss:

*Three times we kicked the ball over "three lines" - we've played thirty indoor games and we can't even get the basic rules right - it's just pathetic.

*Defenders changing while the ball is in our end of the pitch....it's so sad it's funny. This alone cost us two goals against.

The few bright spots on the forward line included John DeSantis who lead the team with two goals and Sean Rice knotted another of those "between the legs" jobbies. Jimmy played another solid game.

The bright spots on defense included Mark Rattray who scored with the old "Hail Mary" lob from centre that went off a few heads before dropping into the back of the net. Classic Scottish finishing! Brian Warren hustled well and nearly scored his first of his career.

Then we get to Mr. Ian "Mango" Richardson... it all started to go downhill from the warm up. He lost his soccer ball and broke down in tears prior to the game. He barely had time to dry his eyes before he scored his franchise leading eighth career "own goal"... - a record that will never be broken (but I'm sure will be added to).

So here we are with one game to go...our record is at one win and eight losses, the playoffs are out of reach and we are guaranteed last place in the division. A far cry from our Cinderella season last year that brought us to the finals.....how did we get here? I can only lay this at the feet of the new big signings that emptied FBSFC transfer fund..........it must be them..I blame it on Dave Lowe and Zaim Jasaraj !!!!

Editor’s note: Due to unforeseen circumstances, the Club’s regular reporter is taking an immediate leave of absence due to his second game ball absconding this season without his consent, before the match had even kicked off on the weekend. In respect of the mourning period, donations can be kindly made in Ian Richardson’s name and sent directly to the FBSFC "buy a boy a ball program".

This week’s article will be written by Ian’s 6 year old cousin Clem. This article has been edited for grammar, spelling and punctuation, however the content has been left unchanged and the opinions and thoughts do not represent those of the FBSFC Board of Directors or its shareholders.

Why I hate Fat Bhoy Slim Football Club – By Clem B. Ferguson

Today was my third game this season I attended to watch my former favorite soccer team – Fat Boy Slim FC. Up until a few games ago, these "fat chaps" as my Gran likes to call them were the best team I knew. This is because they had something many teams do not. Style. My friend Steve says style is what gets you the girls and the big contracts, he says if he can’t play for the Fat Boys when he gets big he wants to run an airline. I don’t think he will, cause he smokes and my Aunt Betty says that smoking makes you short and gives you "weenie problems". I don’t know what that means but this season FBSFC have lost their style. That’s the first reason I won’t support them anymore.

The second reason I don’t like Fat Boy Slim is cause they score goals sometimes and take the lead but "choke when it counts" as my friend Brian likes to say. I think Brian is gonna be a Fat Boy some day as he runs sometimes and knows how to get back off the ground when he gets knocked over, which is a lot. Brian likes "rye and coke". His Dad lives with another man now and they watch "dog shows" on TV and not sports but Brian says it makes him stronger to know the truth. Brian says the really good teams don’t choke but FBSFC always seem to get ahead and then fall behind again, that’s why they are not very good this year. I don’t like teams that choke. It’s not good and its certainly not the mark of a team that made it to the finals last year.

Another reason I might have to support another club next season is that FBSFC talk too much about what they "should be doing" but never do it. This is like choking but different, cause I sometimes hear the players talk on the bench and when they sign autographs after the game in the bar upstairs. My "Big Brother" Don who takes me to games says the guy that always does this is the FBSFC Skipper Mark. But he says its ok cause Mark is Scottish and they’re always getting told what to do by the English and that’s why he’s sometimes seen as a "Nancy know it all". He scored a great goal last week though. It went in off some other guy but he claimed credit for it. Another Scottish tendency says Don. I think they should stop talking and just do it. They should have to tape their mouths during the game and just point to where they should be.

I don’t like the Club anymore cause they stink. My Friend Sean says they stink like a soiled nappy. This means a baby "pooped" in it. Sean smells like eggs. He’s Irish Catholic and grew up in a household of 14. He has lots of brothers and sisters and they always fight. Sean says that FBSFC should have the fighting spirit in them if they wanna be a good team. He thinks they should draft more Irish players, and they should sing Irish songs after the game. Acting like the Irish would not make them stink anymore. This is what they should do, be more Irish.

Those are some of the reasons I won’t support this club anymore. They have one more match this season to become good again. Some players I like to watch though. They usually play a good game. I like Mike K. He runs fast and he never seems to go anywhere. He should wear a "bib" cause he dribbles a lot! Ha Ha!.

I also like the older man with no teeth. He’s like a vampire, cause they never age. Vampires are cool. The new guy Zaim is a good player too. He has a video camera and tapes games like a spy! Spies are cool like vampires. I like Barney, he plays like a tank. He bumps into people a lot and they fall over. It’s funny. Barney has a cool name, too bad FBSFC didn’t have a Fred, like Fred and Barney. Another new guy is Dave, I never see him on the pitch. He is like a ghost. The team doctor plays sometimes. He has scabby knees. He should put big band aids on them to play better. Andrew is another new guy, he has family that served in Vietnam. The other players call him "MIA". Justin is always late but when he plays its always good. He has real talent but doesn’t concentrate on the pitch. The team’s other keeper is great. His name is BIG RON. He is injured. He falls on his knees a lot and yells at the other players. It’s funny. He should come back REALLY SOON. Kevin is a player that is blessed with the ability to play many sports.. Unfortunately soccer is not one of them. He yells to. He has issues. Sean N makes me laugh, He acts tough all the time and goes to the penalty box when he gets mad at other players. Julian is a good player but he is too bossy. I like when Julian pretends he is a magnet and sticks to other players. Jimmy the young guy scores goals. The other player with no teeth says "that’s the only scoring he better be doing". I don’t know what that means. My very favourite player is John. He has attitude, yells at the ref, drives a cool car, eats chicken wings and listens to cool music that makes me wanna drink beer.

Some players I like but don’t play very much are Jez, Bernard and Kieron. I hope they come back soon.

Maybe I like FBSFC more than I think. They are crappy but they are good guys to know.

THE END

It became very apparent to Soccer City's overflowing crowd early on that FBSFC's players lacked the most basic of motor skills and suffered from constant brain cramps - a deadly combination that could have led to serious injury and very, very bad soccer. Here are just a couple highlights to illustrate the point:

-Don Clendenning's first touch of the ball went something like this: ball goes into corner..Don decides to go get it (brain cramp)..Don falls down (lack of motor skills)..Don kicks ball to opposing player...Don falls down..Don stops shot...Don falls down..Don falls down...Don makes it back to net -a job well done.

-Barney Hill also showed his lack of basic motor skills as it took him nearly thirty seconds to open the gate during a change "on the fly" - all you could hear was: click, click,click,click,click as Barney tried in vain to figure out the locking mechanism on the gate (brain cramp).

-At one point Diablos were given a free kick in our end...the Diablos player placed the ball and backed up to take the free kick - out of nowhere Sean Nejat runs up and kicks the ball all the way down the length of the field. Why? We may never know....This was just a small sampling of the antics of this team...it was just the worst.

A little bit of soccer was played between this FBSFC's slapstick improv:

Diablos dominated early and scored often..FBSFC got things together a little after being down 3-0 - but just couldn't put the ball in the nett (see: Sean Rice missing the ball completely with the whole side of the net empty). Jimmy scored a nice goal but it just wasn't even close to enough.

Only four players played well at all - Stefvvvghiiie Sexton got his "magic" back, Hall Huff had a good game (in a rare appearance) and Mark Rattray and Dave Lowe were solid in the back.

With three games to go FBSFC need to win two of them against teams that killed us already this year..it looks like an early exit - but hey, that also means the pint fund will be emptied sooner!!

In a special report filed by an anonymous source in the West Bank, several FBSFC players were seen hurling tiny stones at each other prior to the match in an attempt to create some animosity towards each other as they "put their game faces on". This was allegedly a request from the Club Director of Sponsorship and Catering Mark Rattray in an attempt to secure a sponsorship deal for next season from the "Jewish and Palestine Friendship organization of Brampton".

In a move that should financially secure FBSFC for another season, Chairman Sean Rice stated after Sunday’s loss, that he had secured a lucrative endorsement deal with Fox Television for his players to star in the next "Boot Camp", airing in the fall at SoccerCity.

Unbeknownst to the majority of the players in attendance on Sunday, the Club’s future Drill Instructor donned a referee’s jersey to "test the waters of obedience". D.I Ref berated the gang of dis-orderlies for close to 45 minutes before relenting and finally letting the cat out of the bag. "I am these boy’s Momma’s come the fall, and if their game play is evident of their physical ineptitude I’ll have their pansy ass’s for lunch!!!!!!". Steve Sexton was seen quietly smiling to himself, even commenting to a reporter that he was happy that his "ass was finally gonna be had".

In related Steve Sexton news, the Club’s Ombudsman was stripped of his "Magic" moniker as it was handed to former Club Coach and general all around useless defender Ian B. Richardson. Henceforth, Steve Sextons new nick name will be "the guy that is still reading fashion magazines, and also lost his magic to Ian". Chairman Rice was impressed with the defender Richardson’s ability to actually get to the ball quickly without having others dance around him for a change.

Defender Justin McCarthy also became the first defender to notch a goal for FBSFC this season after a rolling ball accidentally made contact with Justin’s foot as he was attempting to abscond from his responsibilities on the pitch. McCarthy refused to comment after the goal as he was too busy being intubated with oxygen by the Club’s medical staff.

Chairman Rice recuperating from an alleged alcohol poisoning incident by an unknown assailant at his spacious mansion on Saturday night, turned in an electrifying match as he potted 2 goals. Asked to comment on his situation the night before the Chairman commented "Sambuka, Goldschalagger and Guinness are not the 3 Musketeers that I wanted to dance with last night. What I did discover however is that porcelain is as comfortable as my goose down pillow made by the impoverished love children of Temptation Island".

Brian Warren is quietly campaigning for the "player we never see on the pitch" award of the season as many questions have been raised regarding his ability to count to 60. Speaking on behalf of anonymity, an FBSFC "keeper" was overheard remarking that Brian was not overly impressed with the fact that he was being asked to stay on the pitch for up to two minutes at any given time, and as a result has taken drastic measures to reduce his own playing time.

FBSFC striker John Desantis turned in an outstanding game between the posts as he became the glue that holds the club together as Club MVP Ron Nolet takes some personal time for himself while learning Yoga and Tai Chi at Chairman Rice’s Wellness Spa.

As the club passed the half way point of the season, Finemaster Ian B. Richardson and Chairman Rice called a news conference to release the team’s financials to date. To date the Club has amassed a staggering $256.00 in fines. Leading the way once again in financial penalties is Club Finemaster Richardson with several players closing in on him. The Top 5 "fined" players are:

1. Ian B. Richardson - $21.00
2. John Desantis - $19.00
3. Sean Nejat - $19.00
4. Sean Rice - $17.00
5. Andrew Corrie - $17.00

Honorable mention also goes to Dave Lowe, Barney Hill, Kevin Bracken, Mike K. and Steve Sexton as they all remain within the hunt for the audacious "FBSFC Fine Award 2001".

The club now takes a welcome break for the next two weeks as they prepare for Easter (even the Anglicans and Muslims). The schedule picks up with the club still praying for a playoff spot…

It was Oscar night at Soccer City - and FBSFC stole the show! This is a performance that will not be soon forgotten. Highlights included  Don Clendenning's tribute to "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"as he flew though the air on many occasions and hurt his back (maybe from bending down to fish the ball out of the net too many times). Hal Huff acting out his "Gladiator" fantasy on the pitch as he took out player after player....and don't forget Brian Warren's run that took on the big boys in a stirring tribute to "Erin Brockovich". The only failure was the forwards attempt  to create any "Traffic" in front of the opposing teams net.

Seeing that it was Oscar night FBSFC decides to do a little acting of their own as they came up with a unique "big plan" - a path to victory that was pure genius.

"Our idea was to let them jump out to a seemingly insurmountable lead...let them lull themselves into a false sense of security and then come storming back in dramatic fashion to win the game in the last minute." explained Chairman Sean Rice.

"We started out beautifully - we let them tic-tac-toe around us and score in the first minute...it was hilarious how Urban Chaos fell for it. Don Clendenning showed his acting skill by flopping around on shot after shot - even faking injury at one point."

"I started to think that we were over acting and that they would figure out our "big plan"...I mean it was really hard to hold back - and as they got up 6-0 at half time I had to really choke back the laughter - we had them right where we wanted them. Brian Warren got greedy at one point and made a great run and nearly scored - he nearly blew our cover as he showed a little of the energy we had been saving."

"Then we made our fatal mistake ....talking on the bench we decided to start making our run at them with five minutes to go - but we just could pull ourselves out of our roles as "crap players" and our comeback never materialized." The Chairman explained.

"I get so deep into a role that I just live it - I can't just snap my fingers and come out of it..." explained Steyvvie Sexton

"It was some of the best "method acting" I have ever seen -  They are artists in the true sense of the word. The fact that they did not come back to win is a small point in the big picture. The performance was spellbinding - thespians beware of this troupe - they are awe inspiring!" claimed critic Leonard Maltin.

My issue is that we have used this plan so often that we may end up being "type cast" as crap footballers....so perhaps we should try something different.....maybe darts.

FBSFC Chairman Sean Rice has now placed "Leprechauns and St. Patrick" into his "Big book of things/people that have done me wrong". Several players apparently suffered from delusions of "green beer" and "a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow" on the pitch, as the Sprockets handed the club its worse loss of the season.

The club obviously suffering from massive hangovers, had their game play driven to a new level of "crappiness", quite the change in pace from their normal level of "crap play". Upon consulting several dictionaries no word could be found to describe the lack of ability displayed on Sunday by the few players that managed to climb out of bed for the early morning match. As a result, Club "Alpha Captain" Mark Rattray sat down with pen and paper (and pint) after the match and wrote to Webster’s Dictionary petitioning for a new entry. While not confirmed, it is believed that the following description is a word for word account of Mark’s letter.

"That bloke I slept with last night, the guy from Air Canada that reads British Men’s magazines was FBSFCrap in bed".

An official response from Webster’s was not available at press time.

The bad news continued to grow for the club that has only mustered 1 win this season, while putting together 3 straight losses. Keeper Ron Nolet, cured by team physician Hal Huff’s magic rock prior to the match, lasted only 10 minutes before blowing out his knee again after running into several of his own defenders that were seen milling around in the box discussing the significance of St Patrick.

Ron was replaced by Club Chairman Sean "I’m not changing shirts with him" Rice and did an outstanding job in goal even managing to stop a penalty shot. It is apparent that Mark Rattray has now taken over the role of "most inept defender", a role coveted by Ian Richardson, after handing the ball in the box on more than one occasion. Rumors continued to swirl around the club that Ron Nolet’s injury was a "Brian Warren type of injury" after Ron was seen laughing and joking on the bench with several players after the incident.

It was reported that Nolet’s stunt was more or less a way of auditioning for SURVIVOR 3 after Ron remained shirtless for the entire match and was seen rubbing sticks of wood together and smudging charcoal on his chest. Ron’s angle will be the "Big guy that doesn’t like to fish and is always yelling at the other contestants to "come back" and "pick up the extra man"".

FBSFC ace striker John Desantis will return next week after a one game suspension. His scoring prowess was missed on the pitch, however several players wives were amazed at his ability to "Coo and cuddle" with some of the toddlers of the players. Reports of John opening a FBSFC day care are unconfirmed.

This is a warning for all FSBFC babies and their mothers. Do not come to any matches. Ever. That is, until the team no longer sucks. It is too risky for the wee ones – especially with their sensitive tummies. I can say for certain that it was the absolute lackluster performance that contributed to poor Margaret Rice’s upset tummy. Every time the Sprockets scored, she was so upset that she spit up all her milk. Again and again and again. With every goal came projectile milk. The Chairman’s wife Darlene was so concerned that the team’s apathy for the their game was hurting her baby, she was forced to relocate to Wingers so that Margaret could no longer witness the carnage on the field. Plexiglass and netting can keep the ball out of the fan’s stands, but the only thing that can protect young fans’ general health is to just look away. Or even better yet – don’t come to the game.

FBSFC has a week off as they prepare for another loss on March 18 to Stackpole Sprockets, a team whose fine standing in the table doesn’t do justice to their stupid name.

Sean Rice remains in the scoring lead with 3 goals. Ian Richardson leads all defenders with one goal (against his own team – AGAIN).

On a final note, FBSFC captain Justin McCarthy was called "safe" on the last play of the game while sliding headfirst into the Barbarians goal. Justin was quickly signed by the NY Yankees and has given up playing "indoor soccer" at this point in his life.