No? Okay then. Me neither.

So welcome to my second weblog. Every week I will attempt to dazzle you with a seductive glimpse behind the scenes of the art, literature, music and film worlds. Or I may just do a profile of Toadie from Neighbours.

Sure, the cynics may suspect this blog is simply a way for me to indulge my pathological attachment to pop culture. And they'd be right. But happily, it also can be a place to vent our communal anger at Channel 9 for taking Friends and Sex and the City off air mid-season.

But ill-will towards Channel 9 aside, this blog also will be a place where I'll try to answer the most pressing television questions. Like, whatever happened to Brains from The Henderson Kids? And Boris from Boris's Breakfast Club? And why did so many kids want to be on Now You See It when the main prize was only ever a dictionary?

Like it or hate it, television influences many aspects of our lives, from how we speak, what we buy, how we dress to how we see the world. With that in mind, and by special request from my girlfriend, here are the seven key lessons "the box" has taught us about ladies in love.

Lesson 1: Love never dies. So even if you are kidnapped, held hostage on a desert island, get amnesia and discover that you were once a European princess (and then you make your way back to Salem, only to discover that your husband has remarried a crack-head police officer)...it's not the end of the world. Bo Brady will want you back. And everyone knows that Grandma Horton hates girls with track marks.

Lesson 2: It helps if you have similar interests...even if it's bug collecting. In episode 25 of The Brady Bunch, 13-year-old Marcia Brady decides that she wants to go steady with Harvey Klinger - a fervent bug collector. To win Harvey's heart, Marcia begins collecting bugs (reasoning that love is more likely to last if you have something in common). Of course, by the end of the episode, Marcia has split with Harvey and is dating a guy called Lester. So what we really learn from this episode is that Marcia is attracted to guys who are named like serial killers. By episode 75, Marcia goes to the prom with a high school senior called Charlie Manson. Harvey went on to become a butterfly collector and adopted the moniker Buffalo Bill.

Lesson 3: Just because you work in advertising and he's your housekeeper, it doesn't mean the relationship won't work. It's all about equality and respect. The Germaine Greer-inspired show, Who's The Boss? saw Angela Bower (the high-powered, single mother advertising executive) fall in love with her hunky male housekeeper (and ex-baseball player) Tony Micelli. While this crazy twist on gender roles made for good laughs (with Tony in an apron and Angela with a briefcase, chuckle chuckle), it did show us that blokes from Brooklyn do make great pasta.

Lesson 4: If your fiancé becomes paralysed in a freak accident, don't panic. He'll get up out of his wheelchair and miraculously walk down the aisle on your wedding day.

Lesson 5: No matter how much you have in common (like your parents), never be tempted to date a sibling. It will only end in tears - and perhaps police intervention. As proven in Sons and Daughters when Angela Hamilton (Ally Fowler) and John Palmer (Peter Phelps) fell for each other, not knowing that they were twins, separated at birth by their mother, Pat the Rat.

Mental note: if your mother walks around the house in shoulder pads referring to herself as "Pat the Rat", it might be time to leave home, head to the deed-poll office and get the first bus to Erinsborough. The password to getting into Ramsey Street? "I'm your cousin from Brisbane".

Lesson 6: Just because you own a wardrobe of fancy clothes and pout a lot, doesn't mean you'll get a date. Just look at Ginger Grant who spent seven years slinking around an unchartered desert island and the professor never looked twice at her. That's because it takes more than a good Marilyn Monroe impersonation to win a man's heart. It takes money. Millionairess Mrs Howell was the only woman on Gilligan's Island to get a decent pash during the whole of the series.