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Losing 'it' on screen is a drawn-out affair
14th October, 2005

Let me be the first person to come out and say it: Virginity is about to need a good PR agent. In recent years those poster kids for celibacy - Katie Holmes and Guy Sebastian - have made "not doing it" seem nearly cool. Or at least a valid choice in this sex-crazed 21st-century world. For a while abstinence was practically "the new black". But any inroads the "keep your legs crossed" camp has made into Coolville are about to be destroyed with the release of the movie The Forty Year Old Virgin.

To get its laughs, the film relies on the old stereotype that male virgins over the age of 25 are geeky, hirsute, loser types with a fondness for collecting Star Wars memorabilia. When this movie hits cinemas virgins will lose credibility faster than INXS.

The film centres on 40-year-old Andy Stitzer (Steve Carell - best known as Brick in Anchorman) who works in an electronics store and is living a tame existence with his comic books and pushbike. (Because not wanting to have sex clearly goes hand-in-hand with not wanting to get a driver's licence.)

It's during an after-hours poker game that Andy's work colleagues (David, Jay and Cal) discover Andy's little secret - Andy's never "done it". Gasp! Cue the crazy highjinks as Andy's pals make it their mission to get this virgin deflowered. And deforested - Andy's stomach is reminiscent of a yeti.

One of the more recent Hollywood films to focus this intently on virginity and how to get rid of it was the 1999 hit comedy American Pie in which four teenage boys pledged to each lose their virginity to a girl or a dessert before the high school prom. The film spawned two sequels (American Pie 2 and American Wedding) and led to an increase in the purchase of apple pies.

Earlier, there was Tom Cruise, his underpants and an empty family home in the 1983 hit movie Risky Business. Cruise played Joel Goodsen, a well-behaved teenage boy who finds himself in a spot of financial difficulty while housesitting for his parents. Naturally, rather than get a job, he turns his parents' home into a brothel with the help of Lana the Hooker (Rebecca de Mornay). And, as market research, Joel decides to lose his virginity along the way.

In the '80s, any TV sitcom's attempt to deal with sex led to it being labelled "A Very Special Episode". Which meant that no sex would happen, thanks to a lecture from a parent, an understanding gym coach or a never-before-seen school friend turning up to school assembly, baby in tow, to talk about how hard it is to do homework when your kid is screaming for a bottle.

Interestingly, our '80s and '90s TV show virgins had more willpower than today's crop.

Doogie Howser, MD remained virginal until the show's third season. Dawson Leary stopped talking about it and finally did the horizontal rumba in season five. But the prize - as far as I'm concerned - for the TV character with the greatest staying power is Beverly Hills 90210's Donna Martin who held out until season seven (Although I'm sure that the thought of having sex with David Silver would put anyone off.)

But forget Donna. The show's most awkward virgin was actually Andrea Zuckermann (the egghead). In a humiliating move Andrea offered her virginity to Brandon at a fête. Brandon, I'm pretty sure, declined with the words: "Dude, you're like 40."

Cut to present day. On The OC, Seth Cohen could only hold out until season two before he finally did the funky monkey with Summer. In true Seth fashion, he later critiqued his own awkward sexual performance saying: "There were some faces I made in the middle that I wish I could take back."

And we can't talk about TV virgins without mentioning Seinfeld and The Virgin episode when Marla the Virgin (Jane Leeves, who is better known as Daphne on Frasier) ended up being traumatised by a chat with Elaine. Scared of being labelled "anti-virgin", Elaine tried to be helpful by giving Marla the truth about male post-coital habits:

"Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality, it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there. The smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is it about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly."

Except Doogie Howser, I bet.

Happy Realms of Light

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