Q1. I want to be a writer because:

   (a.) writing is like breathing for me and I can't imagine an existence without it;
   (b.) a seven-city, all-expenses-paid author book tour sounds like a great way to see Australia;
   (c.) a life of unbridled paranoia and self-loathing with me spending my days alone (most often on the floor, rocking back and forth in the foetal position), dodging calls from my publisher, Googling my own name and writing fake reviews for my novel on Amazon.com sounds appealing.

Clearly, the correct answer is (c.). You should only have picked (a.) if you're Margaret Atwood. And you and I both know that you're not Margaret Atwood. Or if you're currently hooked up to a respirator - in which case having the heavy weight of a publisher's/critic's/your parents' expectations crushing your chest, making it impossible to breathe, won't be such a shock to the system. Lucky you.

As for the book tours, it's only going to happen if you're Bryce Courtney or prepared to impersonate Andrew McGahan.

Q2. My first published work will be:

   (a.) an autobiography entitled I Feel Full But I'm Going to Keep Eating;
   (b.) a literary masterpiece so gritty and depressing it will spike Zoloft prescriptions and receive heavy praise from The New York Times;
   (c.) light on narrative but riddled with Brisbane street names and locales.

The answer is, of course, (a.).

Everyone knows that non-fiction outsells fiction and "newbie" authors had better make a profit if they want a second book deal. If you're into plugging street names, why waste your time writing a novel? It's probably more lucrative writing the Refidex. At least you won't be forced into doing workshops with bitter primary school kids just so you can pay the rent.

Pens down.

The problem with being a writer is that no amount of common sense is going to put you off. But it's probably a good idea not to spend your advance before you've actually finished writing your novel.