Today - once you've had a few Beroccas - you get to become a Brand New You; a more erudite, more worldly version of yourself. A you who wouldn't dream of buying a t.A.T.u CD.

Haven't made any New Year's resolutions yet? Or you made them when you were very, very drunk last night and can't remember what they were - although you suspect the words "pashing" and "hornbag neighbour" were involved?

Then feel free to follow my lead and adopt a few of my resolutions for 2005.

This year, when it comes to entertainment and the arts, I publicly pledge the following:

1.) I will read more quality literature. I will endeavour to read more books written by late-19th century dead women. I will read this year's Booker Prize winner. And the Miles Franklin winner. Or at least carry them with me on the train, so I look like I'm reading them.

On the other hand, I will stop telling people that I've read Anna Karenina, East of Eden and No Logo. I have not read these books and frankly, am unsure about how to fake my way through conversations about them without drinking copious amounts of red wine beforehand and using the word "sympathetic" a lot.

2.) I will stop referring to Marcia Hines as "Moprah" in the hope that it takes off and can be attributed to me.

3.) I will stop referring to my girlfriend as "Miss Spunkbubble Chickadee Num-Nums". Even though she likes it.

4.) When I am with other people watching TV and footage of Pope John Paul II (flanked by two aides) comes on the screen, I will stop saying out loud that it reminds me of Weekend At Bernie's.

5.) I will go to the theatre more often.

6.) When I go to the theatre more often I will not take a chicken with me.

7.) I will stop referring to McLeod's Daughters as "sluts in dirty singlets". Especially since I stole this joke from someone else and have been passing it off as my own for 18 months.

8.) I will stop singing Bootylicious in karaoke bars.

9.) Actually, I will stop going to karaoke bars. Instead, I will hang out at the library and memorise lots of poems so that I can recite more than just The Tiantiwontigongolope by heart. (Although on a Thursday night after a few beers, this poem has proven popular with my fellow '70s and '80s children.)

10.) I will stop peppering my day-to-day conversations with Dr Phil-isms. When I find myself cornered by friends wanting relationship advice, I will no longer wheel out "the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour".

Instead, I will turn to my friends and quote Just Shoot Me's Dennis Finch and say: "Oh, I just remembered. You're boring. And my legs work."

11.) I will stop watching Doctor Zhivago when I'm alone, drunk, and depressed. I will stop pressing pause whenever Keira Knightley comes on the screen.

12.) I will not abuse my power as a social engineer and try to score myself freebie tickets to be in the audience of Australian Idol. Again.

13.) I will stop writing to Channel Nine asking them to bring back Sale Of The Century with Troy McClure as the host.

14.) I will cull my friends by dropping anyone who claims they didn't "get" This Is Spinal Tap.

15.) I will be genuinely happy when I hear that colleagues have been given a senior research position at an internationally renowned company.

I will not call them offering my congratulations and then contemplate sending them an e-mail virus.

16.) I will apply higher standards to my diet of reality television and no longer watch programs that involve rose ceremonies, bug-eating contests or moped races around restaurant kitchens.

17.) I will stop pretending to have misplaced my Gavin DeGraw CD when my friends ask to borrow it.

18.) I will stop being a Neighbours Judas - denying any knowledge of current Ramsey Street storylines in public when the reality is I spend more time with the Kennedy clan than I do with my own family who, frankly, are a little boring by comparison.

19.) I will stop referring to Casey Donovan as "Mumbles".