For starters, in a sign of complete and utter madness, none of the commercial networks is showing A Very Brady Christmas. Which means we don't get to relive those special flashbacks when Mike had a gentleman's perm, Carol had the body of a Stepford wife and the hairdo of a crack addict and "Thindy" went to Thanta to ask for her mummy's voice to come back so she could thing in church on Cwistmas Day. It's little wonder Susan Olson - the actress who played Cindy - declined to be involved in this 1988 Christmas special since the character of Cindy Brady had the IQ of Spam.

So what are the commercial networks scheduling for us to watch this Christmas season?

Well, let's see, Christmas is a non-ratings period so I'm guessing they're going to dump on us all those dud programs they bought from the US and don't really like. Non-ratings periods are the television equivalent of "re-gifting". So we're looking at shows such as One Tree Hill, Summerland, Veronica Mars and the fifth series of The Bachelor.

On Christmas Day, we'll be subjected to random Christmas episodes of shows no one cares about, such as Home Improvement, Saved By the Bell or Some Mothers Do Have 'Em.

Actually, I chanced to watch the first episode of The Bachelor, which airs Thursday night on Channel 9, and I have to be honest and say it's a ripper. Talking about re-gifting - in the first rose ceremony, our bachelor, NFL player Jesse Palmer, stuffs up by saying the wrong name and giving a rose to the wrong girl. Before you can say, "dumb as a box of hammers", our Jesse asks for his flower back.