Froggy's World - Alms for Oblivion (Weblog)

White-knuckled coward goes off the rails
21st November, 2007

There was that time, when my sister and I were small, when we went on a small persons' ferris wheel. We had only completed a couple of revolutions when I began frantically signalling the operator to abort the ride and get us back on the ground.
   "Too much for her?" asked the operator nodding towards my sibling.
   "Yeah, she's a woos," I lied.
I don't do theme park rides and feel ill when I watch other people being hurled through the air in the name of amusement. This phobia is clearly understood by all who know me, which is why I was able stand back and watch my wife being catapulted skywards at the speed of sound at Movie World on the Gold Coast aboard a ride that had something to do with Batman. The poor thing, normally fearless, was several shades paler when she rejoined me and was wearing a less than convincing smile.
   "Enjoy that?" I smirked.
   "No," she said. "I need to sit down."
While she and her younger sister were having their spines compressed on the Batman ride, I had witnessed the open-mouthed, wide-eyed terror of those on Superman's Escape, a rollercoaster-type ride that looked particularly nauseating.
   "Let's go on that!" said my sister-in-law.
   "On what?" my wife asked.
   "That!" she said, pointing at Superman's Escape as it streaked overhead at the speed of light.
Male pride is a terrible thing. It can blind the reasoning of normally rational souls, induce temporary insanity and commit them to a course of action they would normally avoid on pain of death.
   "Would you mind doing Superman?" my wife asked. "I'm still recovering from Batman."
   "Pardon?" I said.
   "Take her on the ride. Please, sweetie."
   "You must be out of your mind," I said. "Willemses don't do rides. Generations of us have vomited, blacked out or both at the mere mention of rollercoasters."
   "But you're a man," she said.
At that moment, I knew I was doomed. I could live with being regarded as a knee-knocking, vertigo-stricken coward by her but when a teenage girl is looking at you and imploring you to accompany her on a ride, it is a different matter. My standing as a male was being called into question. I could make a totally unconvincing joke of it and refuse, or allow my ego to overrule my common sense and join the queue for Superman's Escape.
"Let's go," I said and trudged towards the line. As we waited, I listened to announcements warning that the ride subjected your body to more than four times the force of gravity and that if this prospect bothered riders, they should reconsider their decision. This was not particularly helpful. I had time to pray and make some fairly sweeping promises with regard to my future behaviour, and then it was our turn.
I sat in the seat and pulled the safety harness down over my head. "Don't hold on to the harness. Hold the hand grips," said a metallic voice. "Don't lower your head. Sit straight against the headrest." A second later my eyeballs were being pushed back into my skull as we rocketed out into the sunlight. I closed my eyes and when I opened them we were hurtling towards the ground. I shut them again and felt my cheeks sucked sideways by the gravity forces as we flicked through a loop.
I don't know how long the ride lasted because my brain froze as images rushed past my eyes and my body was forced down into the seat. Then it was over. The punters piled out and ran chattering to the exit while I sat and tried to gather the strength to move. I got out but my knees were shaking.
   "How was that?" asked my wife as I leant against a wall and gasped for breath.
   "Peachy," I wheezed. "Just peachy."

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