Dear Waitress,
Thank you for being so fast to present my bill. Too bad you seem to have forgotten the change. It's probably back there with the cup of coffee you also forgot. If you'd wanted to keep a tip, you shouldn't have called me "Sir" - especially not when you called my dining companion "Darl".
Dear Hostie,
I know you're a highly trained professional and dismissing you as a trolley dolly is denigrating and insulting. I've had a fair bit of time to muse on those matters as I've sat here with my coat on my lap, without the glass of water I asked for. I guess you've been busy serving the very important men sitting around me.
Dear Checkout Guy,
I don't really care what you did last night. I don't really care that you hate your job. I used to be a checkout dude myself. I do care that those tomatoes were $7 a kilo and you just put the detergent on top of them. Maybe it's not your fault you're distracted - your idiot supervisor has seen fit to ensure seven trillion people are in your queue.
Dear Oversized Pram Pusher,
I don't plan to elaborate on whether it's you or your pram that more oversized. Clearly your ego is. In your overly defensive pose against your imagined oppression, you seem to have forgotten there is an entire society out here trying to get around you.
Dear ATM User,
Press the freaking buttons, you moron.
Dear Doctor,
My time is pretty valuable, too. Admittedly I don't earn in a week what you do in a day but when you keep me waiting an hour past the appointment time, it costs me money, makes me stressed and could cost me my job.
Dear Real Estate Agent,
It's none of your business what I do, how many bedrooms I need or how long I've been looking. I may or may not buy this property. You're being paid by the vendor, not by some other imaginary client, to bring in more likely meat.
Dear Bank,
I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate you more than I can ever express. I hate you.
Dear Post Office,
Thank you for finally delivering something to my mailbox. It was for my neighbour. I would tell you in person when I come down to collect the 15 envelopes you say don't fit in my mailbox but, apparently, the delivery person is a private contractor so there'd be no point anyway.
Dear Cinema People,
No one deserves to be charged $3 for a bottle of water. Why can't you invent silent packaging? And who let in the bloke who keeps wheezing?
Dear Private Health Insurer,
I was forced to become your client by the government. What's with the string of letters about rising charges and falling services? How come I've gone from blue ribbon with full orchestra to wooden stick with tin whistle?
Dear Prime Minister,
Where on earth does your wife buy her clothes? They are quite astonishing.
