No-one looks good in Lycra
5th March, 2008
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Amazing how people see themselves. There's an underlying delusion in most of us that allows us to continue to challenge ourselves, convinced that somehow we'll be okay. That confidence can take strange forms. It allows us to try new fashions that don't always display our bodies in the most flattering light. It allows us to apply for jobs we're not too sure we can do. It means we'll take on new hobbies, hook up with new people and venture out to explore the world.
Sometimes it leads us astray. Sometimes collective confidence can lead a whole society or generation off-course. How else do you explain the 1980s' fluorescent T-shirts? And sometimes it leaves individuals with an inflated sense of their physical, mental, social or financial status. That can be charming: Bill Clinton remains a tall, well set-up bloke with links to power, and his confidence that he's just as cool now as when he was president of the United States could probably still pull him a few chicks, if he were into that sort of thing. Which, obviously, he's not. He told us that once already. Clinton's an example of how a degree of self-possession can be attractive. But too much ego turns a person into a wanker. Say there was a fat cricket player pretty good at throwing a ball around and he thought that made him a sex symbol. That'd be a case of a desperately unattractive person misinterpreting his own publicity. Most people manage to walk a thin line between allowing themselves to try a new experience and making a complete fool of themselves. Except when it comes to blokes and Lycra. You know those action figures you could buy back in the days before such things became undesirable? The little fellas boasted perfect arms, fabulous shoulders, tight thighs, long torsos and nary a rogue roll of blubber on their plastic bodies. Those guys could have worn Lycra. At home. In the dark. With the doors locked. Once. Maybe. Any clothing containing Lycra should be viewed from every possible angle and preferably by a committee. Any doubt and out it goes. Form-fitting exercise gear looks great on about three men in the universe. The rest of us are better off with a comfy pair of shorts and something on top that won't make people laugh. But it's a scientific fact there has never been a male born who was going to grow up and look decent in Lycra. Not even cyclists, especially not those suburbanites who clog up our roadways displaying Lycra-clad bums. Here's news: the sweaty stains seeping through your bike pants are really gross and the budgie-smuggling bit does you no favours. Put on a nice pair of lightweight jersey thingies. And don't shave your legs. The hairless thing really bothers some people. For instance, a smart, independent woman I know recently hooked up with a great bloke. He had a brain, a sense of humour, a decent income, a social conscience. She had all those things, too. They ended up in bed together. Once. She didn't go back for seconds even though she had a great time. Why? "He shaved his chest," she told friends. "And I'm not putting up with anyone more vain than I am." |
