Christmas shopping in the 21st century
2nd December, 2006
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What follows is a sensible Christmas shopping guide for the 21st century.
This Year's Elmo: Will keep the child amused for about four hours - not consecutive. Will run out of batteries pretty quickly. Will not be seen again after 10th January. A charity goat / well / medical kit: Will be met with dismay by a child and a polite smile by an adult. Will involve making gift card to display the effect of donation. Will actually be useful. A best-selling book: Cannot be enjoyed amid the chaos of the day. Is always just slightly the wrong flavour for the recipient. Involves queueing for an indecent amount of time behind people who enter a bookshop about once a year. Clothes: Should never be chosen by parents or spouses. Must be more expensive than the recipient can afford. Must come with tags still attached and the store's return policy explained. Jewellery: Is good. More is more. Big is best. Trust me. The missus will love you for it... Perfume: Is a supplementary gift, not the main game (ditto massages, facials and "pamper" sessions). Always costs more than you think it will. Movie DVDs: Are fraught with controversy unless they are specifically requested. Music CDs and DVDs: Are desperation gifts for when you can't think of anything else. Antiques: Cannot be bought for the amount budgeted. Often look kitsch in the shop and plain awful outside the shop. Romantic weekends away: Must not be purchased as package deals unless you really like cheap champagne. Should not be anywhere with the word "Grande" in it. Don't count unless they're accompanied by a slap-up feed. Electrical goods: Should be limited to those with entertainment value. Irons do not count. Wine: Is fine so long as at least some of it is immediately drinkable. Should not be so fancy as to freak out recipient. Is pointless if the recipient would have preferred a bottle of Bundy. Kitchen gadgets: Must be given in bulk. Need to have price tags and return policies attached. May last about as long as Elmo. Real estate: Oh, be sensible. Gift baskets: Are almost always padded out with lots of packets of water crackers. Look as though you didn't try very hard. Sporting goods: Are usually just slightly the wrong thing. Are expected by kids on every other day of the year. Are terrifyingly expensive. Mobile phones: Involve an hour-long purchasing process that will sap all goodwill from you. Mean a new expense for the recipient. Are really annoying after about a week of ownership. Money: Is curiously tricky. Can make you look out of touch, miserly or like a show-off. Gift certificates: Are fantastic but giver must not accompany recipient to the shop. Must be accompanied by a supplementary gift (see perfume). Must be presented in thoughtful card. Gifts hand-made by children: Should only be given to grandparents. Cannot be given in consecutive years. Really don't translate outside the family. Underwear: Must be the right size otherwise the whole day will end in disaster. Should never be polyester. Not acceptable if just normal old undies. Battery-powered toys: Are hilarious gifts only if the recipient is someone else's child. Should be very noisy if they are going to take up residence in another house. Will break at least once within an hour of being unwrapped. 24th December: Is the wrong date to start thinking about any of this unless you are prepared to throw pots of money at the problem. Do not give the following under any circumstances: Parenting manuals, gym memberships, self-help books, framed picture of self (even naked), pets, religious instruction, advice. |
