Jokes...

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker meet on Christmas Eve:

"What do you want Vader? "

"I know what you're getting for Christmas Luke" Darth booms.

Luke asks, "How do you know? "

and Darth Vader replies "I have felt your presents".

Q: Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?

A: Because Ken comes in a different box.

Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?

A:They both capture the moment.

A keen country lad start work as a salesman at the world's biggest department store.

His first day was long and arduous, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly confronted him and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new Range Rover."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Since your weekend's knackered, you might as well go fishing.'"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. The plane takes off and levels out at 30,000 feet and the staff start serving drinks. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, bitch!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky, bitch!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"

Within minutes, he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a cocky bastard."

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their sons while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, that last year he was able to give his good friend a new home as a gift.

The second man, not to be outdone, brags about how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend a new Jaguar as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large portfolio of shares as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out he replies."For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a new house, a Jaguar, and a big pile of shares."

A man is woken by the telphone, early one morning. "How the hell should I know. Maybe you should phone the weather centre!" He shouts at the caller.

"Who was that?" asks his wife.

"I don't know. Some stupid idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who used to get angry about us sucking our thumbs."

A guy was sitting at the FA Cup in the very best seat available. The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the game?"

The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"

"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

A man walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The man becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The man looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."

Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

Pinnochio's girlfriend complained that he was giving her splinters during their love-making. He went to the carpenter who made him and asked what he could do about. "Sandpaper my boy", the old carpenter said, "Use some sandpaper". A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again and asked, "so how are you getting on with the girls now, Pinoke?". "Girls? Who needs girls?".

A small fellow gets into elevator, looks up, and notices a huge guy standing beside him.

The large fellow extends his hand and introduces himself: "7' tall, 350 lbs., 20" penis, 3 lb.left testicle, 3 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small fellow immediately faints.

The big guy shakes and slaps him awake and says "Are you OK?"

The small man says "Excuse me, would you repeat what you said?"

The big guy replies, "I said, 7' tall, 350lbs., 20" penis, 3 lb. left testicle, 3 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown!"

The little guy says "Thank God!! I thought you said Turn Around.

Paddy goes to the builder's merchants and asks for 3,500,000 bricks.

"What on earth are you building, Patrick?" asks the bloke behind the counter.

"A barbeque." replies Paddy.

"Three and a half million bricks for a barbie! Are you sure?"

"Yes, I live on the fourteenth floor"