some lists


Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

  1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
  2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
  3. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  4. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  5. Shave.
  6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
  7. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
  8. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  9. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  10. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
  11. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
  12. Ask them to call you Admiral.
  13. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
  14. Bring your golf clubs and start practicing. Don't forget to shout, "FORE!"
  15. Do Tai Chi exercises.
  16. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
  17. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
  18. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
  19. Meow occassionally.
  20. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  21. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
  22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
  24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
  25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
  26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  27. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
  28. Leave a box between the doors.
  29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
  30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
  31. Start a sing-along.
  32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
  33. Play the harmonica.
  34. Shadow box.
  35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  36. Lean against the button panel.
  37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
  40. Bring a chair along.
  41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
  42. Blow spit bubbles.
  43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
  44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
  45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  47. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
  48. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
  49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

How to be a Cool Asian

  1. Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white
  2. Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine
  3. Own a cellular phone .... " " " " "
  4. Have only Asian friends
  5. Speak only in Asian languages
  6. Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're actually going to class
  7. If you're a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA
  8. If you're a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA
  9. Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if you're with friends
  10. Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties
  11. Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties"!
  12. Refuse to dance to anything but techno music
  13. Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly at all other Asians
  14. Dance in circles at all parties and clubs
  15. If you're a guy, BE SURE TO COP CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS YOU LIKE!
  16. If you're a girl, BE SURE TO RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR EACH TIME YOU SEE A HOT GUY!
  17. Wear only designer labels
  18. Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet, make sure that the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel
  19. Own a pair of Doc Martens
  20. Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you know nothing about them
  21. Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet, grocery store owners
  22. BELIEVE IN BARN JACKETS, J. CREW, AND TOMMY HILFIGER
  23. Make sure you install every possible option you can in your car
  24. Own a sports car
  25. Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated
  26. Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school
  27. Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion
  28. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates
  29. If you're a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of a circumsized penis
  30. If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of brown or red for optimal "coolness"
  31. Two words: Manhattan Portage
  32. If you're a guy, don't be embarassed that your penis is small. Instead, simply make sure that its size is inverserly related to the loudness of your car's engine.
  33. If you're a girl, don't be embarassed about your small chest. Instead, make sure that its size is inversely related to the amount of makeup upon your face
  34. If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
  35. If you're a Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a goldfish
  36. Date only the people from your own clique, or even "a cooler one"!
  37. If you're in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly at all interracial couples you see.
  38. If you're a guy, start having insecurities and complain about the "theft" of your women
  39. If you're a girl... well, Asian men never date interracially anyway

Why Asian Women should hang with Asian Men

1) We know martial arts and if we don't it still looks like we do. If you do a couple of kicks that aren't too pathetic ppl will think you are a master. Good deterent.

2) We speak two languages. We can speak to you AND your parents. In other words we can pucker up for you and your parents.
Note: You must be the same asian race for this to apply.

3) We can use chopsticks. In asian restaurants we can split kimchee for you with chopsticks. Try that with a fork and spoon. We can also play table drums for you with chopsticks. How romantic...

4) We like the same music you do. All that new-wave/techo mixed and synthesized stuff.

5) We are all gonna be rich doctors, engineers, and lawyers. That means only one thing for you, "Shopping Shopping and more Shopping" Wheee.

6) We can be your geek on the street(We can help you with all your studying b/c we are naturally geniuses). Or we can be your stud in the pub(We can drink alot and have that squinty eyed, drooping cig, drink in one hand, we are cool, look that will make you want to sit with us).

7) We know what asian babes want. Our moms told us.

8) Our hairstyles are low maintanence. We just need a bowl and scissors.

9) We not only know all about american culture we make a great looking couple.

10) We are just as sensitive, understanding, and intelligent as the next American toughguy.


The Piss List

Morning Missile.
This is only one of the reasons why the morning ritual can be a less than pleasant experience. Actually, pissing any time with a hard-on is a really difficult task, not just in the morning.

Split directions.
You're anxiously waiting to relieve yourself. Then, when it comes out, it shoots out in two different directions! Usually happens after a night of passionate love making which leaves you so tired you don't shower before you go to sleep.

Hey! You pissed on my shoe!
Usually happens in public rest rooms or at road-side "piss stops". Sleepiness, hangovers or split directions (see above) are usually to blame.

Urination spasm.
When you get this weird orgasm-like spasm that happens just when you begin to piss. Sometimes your whole body shakes uncontrollably.

Putting the seat up.
This is actually a hygiene thing. You don't like to touch any part of the toilet before you touch Mr. Johnson. After you're finished you'll touch anything, even elephant diarrhea.

Putting the seat back down.
Ladies, this is really a big pain in the butt. Guys - easy solution! Next time you need to piss, don't put up the seat. When the old lady sits down on that wet (and cold) seat, she won't ever complain about you leaving it up again.

Stage fright.
Once in a while, in a public restroom with a dozen or so guys all whizzing at the same time, the piss just refuses to come out. How bad you have to go really has nothing to do with it, either. Plus, after a few minutes of you just standing there, doing nothing, the other guys start giving you those funny looks...

Those nasty fumes.
Sometimes, when your urine is especially acidic, when it is so hot that steam rises from it, when the color is so yellow it looks like German dark beer, you just wish that you had a pair of nose plugs. And forget turning your head. You'll just smell the fumes from the guy next to you.

Dick trickle.
For some reason, right after you finish pissing and put Mr. Johnson away, no matter how hard you shake, a little more piss decides to trickle out, leaving a cool, moist area in your underwear, and a growing dark spot on your pants. Usually happens right before a first date or an important business meeting.

Those damn zippers.
You don't know real pain until you've zipped your dick up in your zipper. And, you know that you won't be able to pull your zipper back down by yourself, because you know what it felt like going up! On such occasions, you need a close friend with a blindfold, a pair of vice grips, and a handful of valium. A sound-proof room would be nice, too!

Leg splash.
Usually happens whenever you aren't wearing long pants (shorts, a robe or underwear are optional). Caused by your stream hitting the water and splashing all over everything around it! The only thing worse is if your aim is really bad and you start pissing on the seat, right next to your leg.


The Fart List

SILENT BUT DEADLY (SBD) FART:
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.

EGGY FART:
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bun buster.

WINDY FART:
The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.

GROWLING FART:
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.

WORRYING FART:
The kind which seems to be a Fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.

PRELUDE TO A SHIT:
You feel like you have got a large Beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

COMPOST FART:
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.

BEEFY ONE:
Sounds loud, and butch e.g.....g.. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!'. Will smell a bit like a mixture of rotting meat and a dogturd.

PRESENT (a.k.a 'TIME I WASN'T HERE' FART):
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small shit as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.

SQUEAKY FART:
Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.

BUNBUSTER FART:
'BRAAA!' Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.

TROUSER RIPPING SPECIAL:
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.

ESCAPE POD FART:
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and gag. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

BREWERY FART:
You try to push a brewery fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.

SPHINCTAL NAPALM:
Tends to occur a few hours after a 5-alarm chili or nuclear wings. Nevermind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.

STALKER FART:
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but Kowabunga, dude! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticized for poor manners.

BURBLE FART:
Bubbly!

ON THE SPOT FART:
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.

NOT NOW! (a.k.a ANAL CONTROL FART):
You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Murphys law tends to win out in the end.

HYDRATED FLATULATION (a.k.a WET FART):
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.

GNL FART:
Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...

GNL II FART:
You take a gamble that it's going to be a small quiet odor free fart, but it's actually more like an explosion and there is no doubt that you are the stinker.

UNDERWATER FART:
Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelled on rising to the surface, and experienced windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to light them.

GUNSHOT FART:
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. Onereport continues: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the shit out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named."
A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their existance.

TANDEM FART:
Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest last


The Shit List

THE ACID SHIT
When you sit on the toilet straining, then it sprays out so fast that it rebounds off the side of the toilet and gives you a burning sensation on your ass.

THE AEROSOL CHEESE PRODUCT IN A CAN SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your ass while you sit there helpless.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE ALBINO BOMBER SHIT
Also known as the Barium Bullet. Anyone that has had any stomach or intestinal tests done can relate to this. After an upper GI (drink lots of barium, a metallic liquid so they can x ray your innards) you have to be careful it doesn't get all hung up in there. We are talking about a metallic liquid. Once it does come out, you have the cleanest, whitest shit you'll ever see.

THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR SHIT
The shit that is most recently seen in the color green, but other colors are available, and usually shown as a great accomplishment.

THE AMBUSH SHIT
The kind of shit that never happen at home, but usually at a party or while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart - just a little - but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for the rest of the day.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE BOXER SHORTS SHIT
You shit when you did not know you were going to shit. This alway's happens during a period of intense farting. You feel warmth after you think you farted and wind up running to the bathroom pinching your pants legs.

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as the Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE BULLSHIT SHIT
A variant of the Crowd Pleaser shit. This shit differs in that no one is present to view your crowning achievement. Attempts to describe the creation are later met with scepticism and occassionally outright disbelief.

THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE DAIRY QUEEN SHIT
Similar to the Snake Charmer Shit, with the coiling action, but looks more like a soft ice cream from your local neighborhood ice cream parlor. Cones optional.

THE DAVID SHIT
This tiny turd named after the Biblical character. It has a stink that will fell the biggest man or calm a riot.

THE DEAD EYE SHIT
The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that you can't clamp your asshole shut quick enough, and the water ends up splashing up your ass like an enema.

THE DISAPPEARING SHIT
This shit comes out of your ass so perfectly angled that it goes right down the the hole in the toilet.

THE DRINKER'S SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE ENERGIZER SHIT
Also known as a Still Going shit.

THE FIVE-GALLON SHIT
This is when you're really bad-assed sick. You sit on the toilet for twenty minutes while 5 gallons of pure liquid shit is spewing out your ass. This will usually last about two or three shits,before it starts to solidify.

THE FLAGPOLE SHIT
When shit is so long it sticks out of the water.

THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to tumble and swirl and resurface after many flushings.

THE "GEE I WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting out small pockets of air.

THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE "HOW'D IT GET ON THE FLOOR?" SHIT
Followed immediately after heavy drinking, the shit mysteriously misses the bowl and ends up on the floor or in the immediate vicinity.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

THE "I THINK I'LL SHELL MY SUNFLOWER SEEDS NEXT TIME" SHIT
If you've ever eaten the shells when you eat Sunflower seeds, then you know the pain associated with this shit. You'll scream as the little shell splinters embedded in your shit mangle your asshole on the way to the bowl. Make sure to have band-aids nearby... and eat light for the next couple of days.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to The Spinal Tap Shit. The shape and size of the turd resembles two beer cans stacked end-to-end. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny plopping sounds when they hit the water.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE JAGGED SHIT
This kind of shit is so jagged, it cuts you so bad that you need to wipe your ass with Neosporin when you are done.

THE JALAPENO SHIT
Also known as the Saturn V. Burns like hell, feels like your sphincter`s been probed with a red hot poker. Feels just like an ignited rocket booster. Recognized by the telltale stench of burnt flesh.

THE JOHN WAYNE SHIT
Also known as The Duke. This is the leakage from a wet fart that leaves you walking in a "go fer yer guns" posture.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first smashing it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your ass at the speed of light, and splatters all over the toilet.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor.

THE MACARONI SHIT
When shit comes out shaped like elbow macaroni (sauce is extra).

THE MARATHON SHIT
A shit that takes so long that at the end of it you're drenched in sweat and you have to go lie down.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
This usually occurs after eating Mexican or other spicy foods. This type of shit burns so bad, you'd swear your ass hairs were burning off.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

THE PEANUT BUTTER SHIT
The kind of shit that resembles large globs of crunchy peanut butter.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires real patience and muscle control.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE POLITICIAN SHIT
When the ASSHOLE starts to spew a mixture of hot air and shit. Also known for its lack of real substance.

THE PLUG SHIT
Also known as the Champaign Shit. At first, a small piece of shit comes out which acts as a plug. Suddenly, the rest comes out as a high-velocity watery liquid.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage a rocking and bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a piece of toilet paper.

THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT
You shit so much you can swear you lost 30 pounds.

THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE SAWED OFF SHOTGUN SHIT
Shit sprayed forth from the anus with such velocity that it coats the bowl with a latex-like brown paint. The chunks of diarrhea that are solid resemble the pellets found in shotgun shells, much like 00-buck shot.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE SWEAT SHIT
After you have taken a dump, your ass starts to sweat mixing with the unwiped shit causing burning and itching until properly wiped clean hours later.

THE TACO BELL SHIT
In a class all its own. Smells so bad the room must be condemned.

THE TRAPEZE SHIT
The little ball of shit that death-defyingly clings and swings off a singular butt hair.

THE WARNING SHOT SHIT
You sit down and nothing comes. Your short period of waiting is followed by a single ear-splitting fart that announces the arrival of a veritable flood of shit that explodes from your ass.

THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with skid marks.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE WILL TO LIVE SHIT
The kind of shit that tries to wiggle back up your ass when you're almost done and late for an important meeting.

THE YING-YANG SHIT
The kind where one half is almost black and the other half is a milk chocolate brown. Cause unknown.

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