Some news to start off this page of jokes... 


Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female
hormones.  To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 cans of
beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively
without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think,
and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of
dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have
a dog?"
 
"Yes." replied the man.
 
"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
 
"I left him home." he answered.
 
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see
 the dog. That's the rules."

The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the
checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier. "Yes," he said, "but
I left him home."
 
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food.
That's the rules."

The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He
walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."

The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is
it?"

The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet 

An English professor wrote the words,
  "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard 
  and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
 
  The men wrote:      "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
  The women wrote:    "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." 

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his
sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to
be getting a clear picture of the problems. 
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're
having sex?" 
"Well, yes, I did once." 
"Well, how did she look?" 
"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!" 
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once
during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her
face that time?" 
"She was watching us through the window." 

A couple married forty year was taking a second honeymoon in the same place
as teir first. 
The wife says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years
ago!" 
The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he
immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug They make love like never
before. She was SCREAMING and GYRATING and SHAKING uncontrollably; and when
it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she FAINTED! 
After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite
astounded says: "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years
ago--or ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember." The women, gasping for breath,
finally able to speak, says: " FORTY YEARS AGO THAT FENCE WASN'T
ELECTRIFIED!" 

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for
the night. 
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy
saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of
them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe.
Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a
lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. 
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So... how was
I?" 
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf." 

Once there was a boy named Odd.

Odd was the butt of jokes his whole life, because
of his name, even
though he grew up to be a successful lawyer.

When Odd was old and about to die, he said, "People
have been teasing me

my whole life, and I don't want them doing it after
I am dead, so I
don't want my name printed on my tombstone."

After Odd died, people saw his blank tombstone and
said, "That's odd!"

Two drunks were well into their cups at their
favorite watering hole,
when one spotted movement along the top of the bar.

"Whazz that ?" he asked.  "A bug ?"

"Izz a Ladybug." his friend replied.

"Damn," the first man gushed, "you have good
eyesight !"

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

A man is driving up a steep, narrow, mountain road.   
A woman is driving down the same road.  As they pass 
each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, 
"PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and  replies,
 "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the 
man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the 
middle of the road.

Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.