jokes2

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man 
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a 
glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more 
drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) 
but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the 
bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny 
squeaky voice "I`d like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a 
lemon, and squeezed away.  Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the 
rind to the little man.

But the crowd`s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the 
little man "What do you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a 
weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

A good ol' boy walked over to a good looking girl in a bar and said
"Howdy!  How'd y'all like to come on over to my house and we can have a
real good time?"

"I'm not too sure," she replied, "where exactly are you from?"

"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."

"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will
screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."

He replied in a very indignant tone, "CHICKENS?!"

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". 
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar 
and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and 
says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like 
you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten years, 
ten years I`ve been married to my wife, and today I go home a little 
early to suprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed 
having sex with her." The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"

The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender for six 
shots of vodka. The bartender, handing him the glasses replies, "Man, 
you must have had a rough day." The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my 
younger brother was gay."  Bartender answers, "I'm sorry to hear that." 
The man gulps down the vodka and leaves.

The next day, the same man comes in and orders another six shots. The 
bartender says, "Have another bad day?"  Man replies, "Yeah, I did. I 
found out that my older brother was gay". Bartender says, "That is too 
bad."

He comes back to the bar a third day and orders another six shots. The 
bartender asks if he has had another bad day. The man nods his head 
while guzzling them down. Bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone one like women 
in your family?"  The man answers, "Yeah, my wife."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down.  He starts dialing numbers like a 
telephone, on his hand and talking into his hand.  The bartender walks 
over and tells him that this is a very tough neighbourhood and he 
doesn`t need any trouble here.  The guy says, "You don`t understand; I`m 
very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of 
carrying the cellular." The bartender says, "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The
bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.  "That`s   
incredible", says the bartender "I would never believe it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I`m really very hi-tech.  I can keep in touch 
with my broker, my wife, you name it!  By the way, where is the men`s 
room?"   

The bartender directs him to the men`s room. The guy goes in and doesn`t 
come out for the longest time.  Fearing the worst given the tough 
neighbourhood, the bartender goes into the men`s room.

There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall... his pants are   
pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his ass.

"Oh my god", said the bartender. "Did they rob you? How much did
they get?"

The guy turns and says, "No, no,... I`m just waiting for a fax.."

some clinton stuff

Q: what's the newest game at the white House?
A: Swallow the leader.

Q: what's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 1500 people went down on the Titanic.

Q: What's the first thing Bill saysto Hillary after sex?
A: I'll be home in 20 minutes.

Q: that's the first thing Bill said after the Lewinsky
allegations?
A: Oh, now she opens her mouth.

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Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see
one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?"
exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill,
Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?"
the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it.,'
responds Clinton.

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Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season
The umpire walks up to the VIP section and Says something.
Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her
over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpire shouts,
"No, Mr. President! I said, "Throw the first PITCH!"
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Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
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Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down
the steps of Air Force Ore with two pigs under his unit At the
bottom of the steps, be says to the honor guardsman, "These
are genuine Arkansas Rator-Back Hogs. i got this one
for Chelsea and this one for Hillary." The guadsman replies
"Nice trade Sir."
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One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior
decorator into the Oval Office. He Said, "Chelsea is very
upset, because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire
White House; I want something done shout it immediately!"
"Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies.
"I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
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Clinton's Response when asked why he tried to find Monica
Lewinsky a position

"One good job deserves another"

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The big clue to Clinton's latest scandal

The tip off was when the female interns were issued knee
pads with the Presidential Seal.
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Additional titles for Monica Lewiosky's book

a. I Am a Sucker for Presidential Power
b. Eating at the White House
c. A Blow By Blow Description of Working at the white House
d. I Blew Clinton's mind
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Clinton had Hillary's permission to fool around.

the President had complained to Hillary that some of the
whitehouse inters were getting on his nerves
and she said "Screw em."
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Lenwinsky APPOINTED TO GOVT. POST

(AP)ln recognition of her service to her country, President
Clinton today appointed Monica Lewindy as "Head of State."
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When asked about foreign affairs, Bill said,

"I'll screw her no matter where
she is from."

Q: What is 6.9?
A: Good sex interupted by a period.

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home
to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass.
Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing
new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the
tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would
like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his
composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to
Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and 
dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to 
Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And 
I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when 
you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at 
you."

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told 
by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His 
choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 
years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night 
the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his 
employees he would lay off. 

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the 
one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the 
two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I`ve got
a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack 
off." "Oh, jack-off" Mary says, "I`ve got a headache."

Q: What is the ultimate definition of courage?
A: Two cannibals having oral sex.