The WRW's Weekend Event
Shooting rumps on saturday, or something like that.
If you missed the event by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
_______
WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
SHOTGUN Saturday Night
April 3rd, 1999
==============================================================================================================================================
(Scene opens with the behind the scenes crew looking for Dwarf #8. He has not shown up yet, and his match was scheduled to be first. The crew says "hell with this" and go about their regular business. Then the matchups for the night are shown on the screen. First, there are pictures of Proctologist and Ratgirl Diane Kronson, and a brief description of the tournament thus far. aixelsyD, The Dwarf, Oingo Boingo and Oldberg have all advanced to round two. syD will fight the winner of Procto/Ratgirl. Oingo and Oldberg will have a three way against the winner of Crash Test Charlie and Mister Speck, which is another match that will happen tonight. And Stubby's opponent will be chosen tonight, and the first round will conclude and the second round will begin next week. The winner of Stubby/mystery opponent will face the Dwarf. Stubby and the Dwarf hold claim to one of the greatest matches in WRW history. Could we see them fight again? A quick bracket update...
syD vs. Proctologist/Ratgirl
Dwarf vs. Stubby/mystery opponent
Oingo Boingo vs. Oldberg vs. CTC/Speck
This will lead to a three way match for the World Heavyweight Championship. A picture of the World Title Belt pops up on the screen and then fades out to the announce team for the evening.)
Paul Z.: Hello, everybody, and welcome to our April Fool's edition of SHOTGUN. I'm your beloved president "Cerebral" Paul Z. I am here with The Running Man and The Hoosier Daddy, and we are set for all kinds of tournament action. We were supposed to have an opening match between Dead Man Not Walking, who has become the ultimate heel, and The Dwarf #8 I think his name is, but the Dwarf #8 is nowhere to be found. So we'll have the match right now, and maybe the Dead Man can win a match.
("99 Ways to Die" by Megadeth plays)
Mike "Hoosier Daddy" Forti: Here he comes!! It's Dead Man Not Walking!!! Man with Wheelbarrow is trying to get the crowd to cheer, but DMNW has just crossed that line too far. The fans dislike him immensely, and it is showing. They are just bombing him with concessions. Get that man in the ring.
PZ: Exactly. Where'd Runner go?
MF: He said he had to potty.
PZ: Oh OK as long as he isn't down.
MF: Yeah that freak.
PZ: Well, DMNW is laying in the ring now, and we are waiting for that eighth dwarf to get down here.
(The lights go off)
PZ: This can't be good.
(Crowd chants "Heigh Ho Heigh Ho Heigh Ho Heigh Ho")
PZ: Well, the crowd knows what they want to see.
(A blueish light fills the arena. It's just enough to see what is going on in the ring and around it.)
PZ: Damn, what now?
MF: I don't know. I'm scared. Hold me.
PZ: What the hell? Get off of me.
("Heigh Ho Heigh Ho" by Marilyn Manson begins to play. The crowd goes crazy.)
PZ: This has to be it. He must be in the building. There he is!!! On the rampway!!! He is here. He's dressed all in black. Dead Man Not Walking must be shaking in his boots. What an eerie sight. The new Dwarf steps to the ring and climbs the stairs. He gets into the ring as the lights come up and the bell rings.
(Oh yeah, Ding Ding)
MF: We need to move our broadcast booth to ringside this sucks being this far away.
PZ: I'll see what I can do. Dwarf picks up DMNW and hits a huge bodyslam. Now a big high vertical suplex...into a brainbuster and Dead Man is down. Dwarf picks him up and whips him to the ropes DWARF DROP!!!!!!!! A cover...
-----1
-----2
-----Pulls him up!!
PZ: Why would you do that?
MF: There's why.
PZ: Another DWARF DROP!!!!! another cover...
-----1
-----2
-----Pulls him up again!!
PZ: Whips DMNW into the ropes and A THIRD DWARF DROP!!!!!! Another pin!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: About god damn time. He's pulling the mask off IT'S THE DWARF!!!!! Where's the Eighth Dwarf??? The Dwarf took his place in this contest. Dwarf scores another victory and continues his winning streak going into the next round of the tournament.
(Lights go out again except for that blue glow that pervaded the opening sequence of the match)
PZ: Oh damn. This ain't right.
(Marilyn Manson's version of "Heigh Ho Heigh Ho" creeps back in)
PZ: Oh shit. Want me to hold you now, Mike?
MF: Naw you fag.
PZ: Sorry. There he is!!! He's on top of the entrance way!!! It's Dwarf Number Eight!!!! He is waving his arm. What is he doing that for?
MF: Check that out!!
PZ: Oh my god there are a bunch of dark figures dropping from the ceiling!!! They are in the ring.
(Lights go out)
PZ: Now we can't see anything, and all we can hear are screams coming from all around the arena. Little kids are screaming. This has to stop.
(Lights come back up and all people are gone in the ring except the original Dwarf, who is laying face down)
PZ: Oh my god. Here comes Snow White!!
MF: Show Your Tits! Show Your Tits!
PZ: Dammit, there's something horrible in the ring and that's all you can think about?
MF: Yeah, pretty much.
PZ: I can't believe what has just happened here. I can't believe Running Man is still in the bathroom. Snow White looks frustrated with the Dwarf. She picks him up on her shoulder and carries him back to the dressing room area. Who were all those people, and what is their tie with that eighth dwarf?
MF: It was the seven dwarves I'm telling you.
PZ: That may be. Maybe we'll see in the coming weeks. Whoever it was, they beat his ass. They seemed to be at the beck and call of that new WRW athlete. I don't understand yet. Let's go down to the ring for our next contest, and we have World Title tournament matches for the rest of the evening. The first one is going to be Proctologist taking on "Ratgirl" Diane Kronson. Where is Tourette's Boy? I didn't even notice he hasn't been here tonight.
("All You Can Eat" by the Fat Boys plays)
PZ: The crowd is going insane for the big fat ass RATGIRL!!!! We haven't seen a Kabash from Kronson in weeks. Maybe the Proctologist will see one tonight.
MF: Last time she hit a Kabash in this building it caused massive property damage. I don't know if we want to see it.
PZ: Of course we do. She's in the ring now doing her usual calistenics. The ropes are shaking violently. And here comes BUTTer girl, so that can only mean one thing.
MF: Yeah, the miss ugly america pageant has come to the WRW arena. Her body isn't even that good looking.
PZ: I heard that. She's kind of let herself go. I guess when you look at that face in the mirror everyday...there's no way to get a perfect body because you'll always have that ugly ass head on top of it.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: This match is underway, and i honestly don't see the Proctologist with a chance in this match. His finisher, the Rectal Exam, relies on jamming his hand in a place that justifies the move's name. First of all, he'll have to swim through all that ass meat. Then, I don't know if he'll want to get that close to her. Finally, she may enjoy it too much.
MF: Only one way to find out. And now they're hooking up.
PZ: Ratgirl puts Proctologist into a headlock out of the tie up, and she's going to whip him to the ropes. She sends him in and cleans his clock with a clothesline. She hits the ropes to get a bounce, but BUTTer girl trips her fat ass, and Kronson tumbles to the mat. Proctologist is up and he is poised to hit some offense on the fat one. He drops a knee on her turtle looking can't get up ass. And another. She is down and grabbing her head. He makes the cover...
-----1
-----2
-----Roll out
PZ: That was close.
MF: Dumb bitch don't know when to quit. She can't even get up.
PZ: Yeah, that's OK. We've still got a classic match going on here to see who gets one step closer to the World Title. Proctologist is helping DK get up now, and he tries a SCOOP SLAM!!!! He falls backwards....
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: Nooooooooo that was close. He found a fold in her stomach and snuck that shoulder out. Both athletes are getting up now.
MF: Did you just call KrocoKronson an athlete? Hahaha.
PZ: All my freaks here in the WRW are athletes. Except Joe Bob-Bob Joe. He's a corpse.
MF: So is DMNW.
PZ: Yeah, but he's won a match before. Proctologist is trying to wear down this huge beast with a chokehold, but he's just hanging off of Kronson's back. She falls back into a corner, crushing the Proctologist. She hits a Stunner!!! A LEGDROP holy shit his head almost came off. She leaves her massive hamhock on his neck as the ref counts...
-----1
-----2
-----2.99999999999999
PZ: Damn this is crazy. She just can't keep this guy down. She picks him up and slams him down. She's climbing to the top!!!! This may take a while!! She is on the top rope, and it's sagging almost to ring level.
MF: Who is that???
PZ: It's Fire Hydrant Boy!!! He's waving at Kronson, and she's waving back!!! They're back together!!!!!!! Wait who is this coming out with FHB??? It's a woman!! It says "Stank Ho" on her pants, so maybe that's her name. DK is going insane now. FHB gets closer to the ring. DK climbs down from the top rope and the Proctologist rolls her up from behind...
-----1
-----2
-----Kick out
PZ: Damn, that was close. Kronson is back on her feet and she isn't happy. She runs at Proctologist and he moves out of the way. She hits the turnbuckle hard. She tumbles backwards and Procto gets on top...
-----1
-----2
-----Roll out again
PZ: Neither of these athletes will stay down.
Running Man: Nobody gonna hold me down, oh no, I got to keep on running...
PZ: Hi Runner!!
MF: Bye Runner.
PZ: Damn, that was quick as hell. FHB is kissing STANK HO!!!!! Ratgirl is going bonkers. She tries to slide out under the bottom rope but she's kind of hung up. Proctologist brings her back into the ring and she hits THE COOKIE CUTTER!!!!! A Pin...
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: Noooo not again a kick out at the last second. This is a kick ass match. FHB is up on the apron now. He's saying he's sorry to DK. Proctologist grabs the ref, and FHB hits the BIG SACK KICK on Ratgirl!!!! She doesn't have a sack, but she's down anyway!!! Proctologist on top!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Finally this one is all over. Proctologist advances to the next round with the help of Fire Hydrant Boy, or as he calls himself, the straight pimp Silky. He's in the ring now, and he's standing over Ratgirl, who is laying there semi-conscious. FHB is yelling at her and telling her that Stank Ho is his new girl. Proctologist has his fingers in his mouth, which is usually a prelude to the Rectal Exam. He steps up behind FHB, and the pimp turns around. Procto pushes his hand forward for a Rectal Ex...Noooo. He's putting his hand out for a handshake!!!!! FHB doesn't shake his hand...
MF: I don't blame him. Do you know where that hand has been?
PZ: I have an idea. I guess I sympathize. But FHB looks Proctologist in the eye and nods his head. He steps through the ropes to leave. FHB grabs Stank Ho and they go to the dressing room. What now??? Is Proctologist the next member of the Specially Educated Coffee Squad? Was this a one match alliance? I don't know, but let's take a peek backstage at what's going on as Crash Test Charlie and Mister Speck are preparing for their match coming up in a few minutes. There's Charlie in his dressing room. He's eating cheese curls and watching reruns of Saturday Night Live. That's the way to prepare. That's the american way.
MF: America sucks.
PZ: Come on now. Go move to Russia and say Russia sucks. Bet you won't say it again. There's Mister Speck with his entire crew of flunkies. That chick's got mad cleavage, though. They're all throwing plates in the air, and Speck is shooting them with his phaser. Somebody better clean that shit up when you guys are done. Let's go to the ring for the lottery to see who faces Stubb Rock next week for the final tournament opening. Running Man is on location in the ring with the big ass bingo thing with the names in it so let's go to him.
RM: Hello, everybody. I'm Dave Dives, better known as tha mutha fuckin' Running Man, and this is the drawing for the last spot in the World Title tournament. I will now invite all of the entrants into the lottery down to ringside. First up, former World Heavyweight Champion...SQUIRTS!!!! Jobber extrordinaire, Billy Ray Leprous!!!!! Aww screw this I'm mad down. The man who will face Stubby in the tournament is....The NORM!!!!!! Goodbye.
PZ: So a bombshell is dropped. Stubby's brand new friend The Norm will face him in the first round. This is a shocker, and I can only hope that this does not destroy their freindship.
MF: Exactly.
PZ: Now, let's get to the final match of the evening.
("Crash" by the Dave Matthews Band plays)
PZ: Here comes the man that apparently has gotten the boot from the Nation. He has been replaced by the Dwarf and Snow White. Here he is...Crash Test CHARLIE!!!!! Hold on...I've just been handed a note. At the upcoming PayPerView, Macaroni Sculptures, on April 17th, a huge celebrity will be at the LittleAss Arena in downtown Buffalo, New York to sing the national anthem. Wow we're spreading like wildfire all over the entertainment industry.
(Puff Daddy, Ma$e, The Lox, Ralph Tresvant, Bobby Brown, Bell Biv DeVoe, Foxy Brown, TLC, Salt n' Pepa, Token white people 98°, MC Hammer and Missy Elliot perform The Theme from Star Trek)
PZ: And his opponent...MISTER SPECK!!!!
MF: This is going to be the greatest match in the history of WRW. I guarantee it. All you folks out there stay tuned because I assure you that this match will rock your ass!!!!
PZ: Where's Mister Speck?
MF: Huh?
PZ: Mr. Speck isn't coming out. I don't know where he is. Mike, go check it out.
MF: Fuck that I'm comfortable.
PZ: Alright we'll just wait then. Here he comes, no that is just one of his flunkies. He's got the microphone.
Flunky: Hello everyone. The Klingons have invaded!!! They have siezed our commander Mister Speck and Captain Pic'Nose!!! It was a horrible sight, I tell you. Beam me up, somebody. I said beam me up!!
(he realizes he's not being beamed up and he leaves)
PZ: What the hell. Now we have Klingons and shit invading, this is a bunch of crap. Isn't there a camera man back there? Get those siamese twin camera people back there.
(camera pictures from the back start coming in. Speck is being tended to by everyone in the area. He is down and unconscious.)
PZ: I don't know what has happened, but it looks right now like CTC will get the bye. Let's see if we can't find out what happened.
Flunky #1: I can't believe you let this happen.
Flunky #2: Who me? I didn't do jack. He shot his damn self.
#1: I know, but you could've thrown that plate a little better.
PZ: HAhahahahahahahahahahaahha he shot himself. Oh my god YOU'VE BEEN SPAMMED. I'm gonna give Crash Test Charlie the bye in this one.
(Charlie goes crazy)
PZ: I'm about to take off, because I am drunk as hell. Can't beat $1.25 Labatt's though. That was a deal and a half.
MF: I know that's right. The chicks were fine, too.
PZ: Yes, as Thomas Jefferson once said, "It's all good." For the Running Man and the Hoosier Daddy, and Tourette's Boy somewhere in rehab, this is "Cerebral" Paul Z. saying have a good easter.
(Scene fades into a tape which happened the day following last week's edition of shotgun. It shows four cop cars surrounding a crane in the middle of a field...the field where the tag title match was held. The crane has on its hook suspended above the ground an object much resembling the spaceship that made an appearance during that match. The cops are questioning Captain Pic'Nose about it and he swears to god that they had nothing to do with the crane being there. Mr. Speck then begins to accost the cops, who then cuff him. They release him under his own recognizance, citing that "He'll probably shoot himself in the next week, anyway." No charges were filed. My name's Friday. I wear a badge.)
=========================
Copyright ©1999 PaulZAss Productions WRW No Rights Reserved
Other WRW pages
RolePlay, Retard!
Champions
Upcoming Events
WRW Roster page
WRW Chat Room
Vice President's Gazette Page
This page hosted by 
Get your own Free Home Page