SHOTGUN<br>January 23,1999
The WRW's Weekend Event
Shooting rumps on saturday, or something like that.
If you missed the event by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
I hope you love Scooby Doo, because I do.
I hope you love Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, because I do.
I hope you love Space Ghost's Cartoon Planet, because I do.
I hope you love hoes, cuz we don't here at...
_______
WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
ShOTguN SatUrDAy NiGHT
March 27th, 1999
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(Scene opens with Paul Z. taking a big whizz with his pants around his ankles. He notices the camera and yells for the camerapersons to remove themselves from the lavatory. They leave, and go back to the broadcast location, where Mike "Hoosier Daddy" Forti is seated waiting for the action to begin.)
MF: Hello everybody and welcome to the last installment of SHOTGUN for the month of March. I'm the Hoosier Daddy and as soon as Paul Pissboy gets back here, we can kick this event off.
("I Touch Myself" begins to play in the background. Impotent Ernie begins his walk to the ring.)
MF: Nevermind, we're starting things off already. Here comes Impotent Ernie in our opening contest. I'll go down on Tourette's Boy. Oh I mean down TO Tourette's Boy. Whoops how embarassing.
TB: Fu** Shit Dammit Cocksu**** Mother Fu**** Impotent ERNIE!!!!!!
(Crowd cheers)
TB: His opponent, Shit damn *twitch* whore whore whoreWHORE Oingo Boingo.
PZ: Hey man, they started without me? That sucks. I'll have to fire some folks.
MF: Ha.
PZ: Don't laugh, you may be first.
MF: Sorry.
PZ: This first match is a first round contest in the World Title Tournament. It is known that the winner of this match will go into a three way with Oldberg and another person, who is also not yet determined. The stipulation in this match...the first man to score with a chick wins. The two men will go all through the arena...
(Ding Ding)
PZ: ...looking for a chick that will kiss them. The one who succeeds will advance to the next round. Immediately Oingo spots a lovely girl in the front row and goes after her. Ernie has the better idea. He has picked from the crowd a big Chewbacca looking chick. OHHH Chewwy just slapped his ass!!! Oingo gets slapped as well!!
MF: Oingo just called Ernie a choad.
PZ: That didn't sit well with Ernie, and now he's chasing Oingo around the ring. Now both men are in the ring. Ernie swings and misses, and Oingo slaps on the full nelson!!
MF: Actually, that looks like a 150% nelson. He's using all three arms.
PZ: Yes, you are right. What should I call that?
MF: The 150% nelson.
PZ: No, that's dumb. Full nelson and a half?
MF: OK whatever. He's out of it now.
PZ: Of course he is. What am I blind? Ernie is down, and Oingo is going up top. TRIPLE CLOTHESLINE...NOOOOOOO Ernie moved out of the way, and Oingo Boingo splattered on the mat. Ernie is back in the crowd now. He's found a little girl.
Impotent Ernie: Please kiss me on the cheek little girl.
Little Girl: How much do you got?
IE: Excuse me?
LG: How much are you willing to pay?
IE: Nothing.
LG: Then you're on your own, pal. I'm sorry.
IE: You don't want to kiss a superstar like me. Got Viagra?
LG: Daddy, this man is upsetting me.
Daddy: ARE YOU BEING MEAN TO MY DAUGHTER?
IE: No I was just...*WHACK*. Ouch.
PZ: Now Ernie is down. That girl's dad just whipped Ernie's ass.
MF: Oh no. I know who that is and I'm out of here.
PZ: What? OH MY GOD Diane Kronson is in the house!!!!!!!! She's running down to ringside, and she's all set to give a big smootch. I haven't seen that much lipstick since Max Factor had their Tammy Faye Baker lookalike contest at WalMart. Both men scatter, and she's right behind Ernie.
MF: Isn't Oingo Boingo fighting again later?
PZ: Oh damn, I forgot. Yeah, he's got his shot at the fag belts with Fly Girl. Oingo stops for a breather, but Ernie isn't so lucky. He's still got Kronson right on his tail. Why don't he just give up and win the match. All he needs is one smootch on the cheek or something. Kronson is starting to tail off a little bit. She drops to her knees in exhaustion, and Ernie stops to catch his breath. Oingo is still looking for a chick to kiss him. He's gotten to his own mother!!!
MF: This one's over.
PZ: No!! His own mom won't kiss his three armed ass. Haha. That's not really his mom. Sorry. He's running around frantically looking for someone to kiss him. Ernie is back up. Kronson is dead, I think.
MF: No, she's heaving. I can see it from here.
PZ: OK she's not dead. Oingo is heading back down to the dressing room area. He's looking for Fly Girl!! Great idea.
MF: Yeah, only she probably won't kiss him either.
PZ: You may be right, but he's looking nevertheless. Now Ernie sees what is going on on the RumpoTron. He's looking for Kronson!! Oh no OH GOD NO!!! Ernie has found Kronson. He's holding his nose and cuddling up to the beast, but she's unconscious. Now Oingo Boingo has found Fly Girl's dressing room. He grabs Fly Girl in a tango and dips her. A Big KISS...
(Ding Ding)
PZ: This one is over, and Oingo Boingo has won the match. Impotent Ernie needs medical attention, though.
MF: Hell yeah. I need medical attention from just watching it.
PZ: Screw this, let's get back into the ring for our next tournament match up. It pits the Cardboard Belt holder aixelsyD against the enigma Harlowe T. Quimby. Harlowe has shown the most potential out of any athlete in the WRW, but he just gets some bad breaks and loses all the time.
MF: Yeah I know. His interviews are funny as hell, but sometimes I forget he's in the league.
PZ: I expect him to pick up his game in the coming weeks and try to take the world title. But tonight he has his hands full with the Little Bus Cardboard Belt holder, aixelsyD.
("I Touch Myself" plays over the loudspeaker as the crowd cheers)
PZ: Here he comes, baby.
TB: The following contest is a best of three falls match. The winner will be the man that pins his opponent twice. Coming to the ring, the Cardboard Belt Champion, aixelsyD!!!!
("Loser in the End" by Queen plays)
PZ: And here is Harlowe. One of my favorite athletes in the league, when he is active. He keeps skipping shows, though.
TB: And his opponent, from Sanderlund, Ontario...Harlowe QUIMBY!!!!!!
PZ: As soon as Harlowe gets in the ring, we'll get this started.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Nevermind, Harlowe told them to ring the bell already. He's just standing outside of the ring?!!? What the hell? The ref is counting him out...
-1
-2
-3
-4
-5
-6
-7
-8
-9
-10
PZ: He takes the first fall of the match. Now Harlowe has to get the next two falls to win this match. He must be just trying to prove himself to the WRW championship committee. I don't understand this. Harlowe was defeated by Billy Ray Leprous, and now he thinks he can beat aixelsyD two falls straight? I don't see it happening. He's in the ring and this match is underway again. The two lock up, and Harlowe backs syD into the corner. He gives a clean break, and then syD kicks him in the stomach. syD tries a swinging DDT out of the corner, but Harlowe just shrugs him off.
MF: syD looks like he's being handled thus far.
PZ: Now Harlowe picks syD up, and hits a vertical suplex on the man. He floats over for a cover...
-----1
-----2
-----Kick out
PZ: A kick out after a two count. I didn't think he'd have the champ there. syD is slow getting to his feet though. Harlowe runs with his arm out for a clothesline and connects!! syD is back down again. A quick legdrop and syD is in rough shape. Harlowe isn't going for the cover. He hits another legdrop. Now he picks syD up, and a swinging neckbreaker!! Now a pin...
-----1
-----2
-----Kick out again
PZ: Wow he just squirmed out. Harlowe's going back up top. Goes for a big sunset flip but overshoots his target and hits the mat hard. syD is trying to take advantage of the situation. He is picking Harlowe up off the mat, and hits a bodyslam. He drops a big elbow. And another. And a third elbow. syD is trying to regain his composure here. He drops a knee to the face. A cover...
-----1
-----Kick out
PZ: Only a one count. Harlowe pokes him in the eyes. OH A low blow!!
MF: That ain't right.
PZ: I know. Harlowe's pointing to the crowd. It's gonna be time for Family Values.
MF: Here he comes, the irish whip to the ropes.
PZ: Family Val...No it's reversed THE REMEDIAL WRAP!!!!! HE HIT IT!!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: It's all over. Harlowe didn't even score one pinfall.
TB: Here Fuck Damn Fuck Fuck taint Ass ASS Whore Douchebag AIXELSYD!!!!!!
PZ: God, it was funny the way he was before, but now he needs to go back on his medication.
MF: Yeah, I can't even understand what the man is saying anymore. A bunch of swear words and then somebody's name. Get him his pills.
PZ: Our following contest of the evening is a return match for the World Fag Team Titles. This match originally took place at Brainless in Seattle, but the challengers say they were cheated out of the gold. Now we have a match in the middle of nowhere. We don't even know where this is taking place. Our camera man was blindfolded and he was taken out there with the competitors earlier today. They've been kept apart for some time now, and it's after dark so let's get it on.
MF: Yeah, there are pick up trucks and hicks a plenty out here. This truly IS the middle of nowhere. I feel like this is going to look like Deliverance.
PZ: I'd also like to thank Spanky McGillicutty, our loyal ref, for presiding over this match tonight. This will be a falls count anywhere, anything goes, no DQ match for the World Fag Team Titles. Your first competitors, the reigning World Fag Team Champions, Anna Rexia and The Epileptic Warrior!!!!
(They walk to the middle of the field, which is only lit by a small camera light and the moon.)
PZ: Their opponents, the challengers, representing the Specially Educated Coffee Squad, Fly Girl and Oingo Boingo!!!!!!
MF: This is going to be rough. We won't even be able to see half of the action.
PZ: That's OK.
(Ref kicks a tree)
PZ: Well, I guess that was the bell, so let's get started. This isn't even going to be a tag match, as all four athletes are fighting right now.
MF: Oingo went right after Anna and now he's calling her fat. She's bawling over near that tree now. We are absolutely nowhere near civilization. It's creepy, almost.
PZ: Yes. And dark. Crazy dark. Oingo Boingo is chasing Anna Rexia now, and they have left the area. It's just Fly Girl and The Epileptic Warrior battling now. They are swinging big branches at each other. Neither athlete has the upper hand here. They are dueling like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, except they have sticks instead of light sabers. We can hear yells from the other two, but the ref has decided to stay here. This is a falls count anywhere match, but we wouldn't know if a pin happens with Oingo and Anna. But that is the ref's decision.
MF: The yells have faded off into the distance. Those two are gone for good. Warrior knocks the stick out of Fly Girl's hand and now he's beating her ass.
PZ: Fly Girl keeps gaining her feet, but she just gets knocked right back down again. Finally she blocks the stick and pulls it from the freak. She's hitting him with it now. He's on the ground.
MF: Damn, I think he's out. She's got him if she wants to win the belts.
PZ: She's climbing the tree THE SUPERFLY!!!!!!!! A pin...
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: NNNOOOOOOO Just before three a laser shot at her and knocked her off!!!! What the hell is going on???
(Bright blinking lights accompany a loud buzzing noise as what appears to be a space ship moves in in the sky)
PZ: God dammit, I knew this would happen having a match out in the sticks. This sucks. Now they're going to get abducted and shit.
(The craft stops and hovers, and a door opens on the side where two figures are seen)
PZ: Well here we go. The aliens are dropping down on commando lines to the ground. Oh My GOD it's Mr. Speck and Pic'Nose!!!!! The blinking lights have stirred up The Warrior. He is up and flailing his arms!! He's already knocked the hell out of Fly Girl. She is down. Pic'Nose says he has an announcement to make, as Warrior is killing Fly Girl.
Pic'Nose: We, The Trekkies, have a new leader. I believe that......you may know him Coffee Squad. This man will lead us to all the titles that the WRW has to offer. Here He IS!!!!
PZ: There's someone dropping down on another commando line. IT'S FIRE HYDRANT BOY!!!!!!!! Oh My GOD he's stabbed his team in the back!!!! The straight pimp Silky has jumped ship!!!! He's got a phaser, and the Trekkies applaud as he lines up his shot on Fly Girl. HE SHOT THE TREKKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pic'Nose and Speck are down and out. The Warrior is flailing his arms still. HE SHOT THE WARRIOR!!!!!!!!!! The Warrior is down!!! FHB pulls Fly Girl on top of the Warrior!!! A count...
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: YEEEESSSSSSSSSS We have NEW Fag Team Champions of the world!!!!!! What a match that was!! Oh snap, who is this?
(A figure goes running by in the dark)
Running Man: I'm down. You know where the highway's at?
PZ: Hahahahahahaha. Oh boy. Well, we are out of time here at the WRW, and I hope we will see you all next week as we try to sort out this whole thing, and try to conclude the first round of the World Title Tournament. For Mike Forti and I guess the Running Man, I'm Paul Z. Go Fuck Yourself.
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Copyright © 1999 PaulZAss Productions WRW No Rights Reserved
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