Humpday<br>January 27,1999
The WRW's Middle of the Week Event
HUMPDAY HIJINX
If you missed the event by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
I hope you love Scooby Doo, because I do.
I hope you love Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, because I do.
I hope you love Space Ghost's Cartoon Planet, because I do.
I hope you love hoes, cuz we don't here at...
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WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
Humpday Hijinx
February 3, 1999
This program is rated "B" for Ben Matlock, Bailiff, and Bucket of Prunes
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(Scene opens with Man with Wheelbarrow preparing Dead Man Not Walking for his match with the Champion of Champions; The Epileptic Warrior. He is taping up DMNW's wrists and hands, and putting on kneepads. Then Oldberg starts to walk by the door of the room. The phone rings. It is Paul Z., and he is asking if DMNW is forsaking the WRW for another career direction. "DMNW has been absent from the events all too often lately." He tells Man With Wheelbarrow all about the plans they had. "DMNW vs. FHB for the title of 'franchise' of WRW. Movie deals. Sprite commercials..."Image is nothing...Obey your thirst." Spots for the WRW's newest business venture...10-10-WRW...the new long distance calling program. Finally, an agreement with the World Heavyweight Champion, where he would job to DMNW for a hefty sum. It's all gone, now. All that DMNW has built has been torn down just as quickly. The fan base has disappeared. Merchandise sales have dropped off the charts. Not one DMNW hat sold in two weeks. What have you been doing with DMNW? You would've been taken care of, too, Man. Now what? You think you can rebuild the empire you once had? If you want a prayer of getting back on this track, you'd better pull off a huge upset over Epileptic Warrior tonight. Am I clear, Man? This is an industry of hot commodities. You're getting cold real quick." With that, Man With Wheelbarrow slams the phone down and finishes taping up DMNW. He tries to leave the room, but Oldberg is in the middle of the doorway. He knocks Oldberg down and storms down the hallway. The scene then goes to the broadcast station.)
Paul Z: Hello all. Welcome to our second ever edition of Humpday Hijinx. I am here for our first match with Running Man Dave Dives. After that, the Hoosier Daddy will be in the house, taking the place of the runner. He'll be down by then, so he'll be outie. I am "Cerebral" Paul Z., your beloved commish, and I'll be your guide this evening through some really demented shit. Then, we have a special treat for you, as I go to court against Fly Girl to defend the honor of the WRW.
Running Man: Oh DAMN. Look at the time. I gotta go right now. I'm mad down.
PZ: OK. Looks like I'll be flying solo for a little while tonight. I'll go to Tourette's Boy for our opening match. Take it away.
TB: The following match is a no disqualification, falls count anywhere, hardcore battle to the finish match, scheduled for one fall, with a thirty minute time limit.
PZ: Hells yes. There's going to be a winner here tonight.
TB: First. Coming to the ring, led by Man With Wheelbarrow...
("99 Ways To Die" by Megadeth plays over the sound system)
TB:....the return of....DEAD MAN NOT WALKING!!!!!!
(Some fans cheer, but most are unsure what to make of him since his absence. One fan throws his popcorn at him as he rolls by.)
TB: And his opponent...
("Shake, Rattle and Roll" by Bill Haley and the Comets plays)
TB: One half of the World Fag Team Champions, and the reigning Champion of Champions...The EPILEPTIC WARRIOR!!!!!!
(the Warrior gives high fives on the way to the ring. The fans are cheering as he walks to the ring. Man With Wheelbarrow dumps DMNW into the ring.)
PZ: Man, Dead Man Not Walking just doesn't seem himself tonight. There are sounds of horror going through the crowd. They know something is wrong.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: This match has started, and DMNW is having problems. The Warrior is just looking at DMNW and shaking his head in disgust. He walks over and makes a cover...
-----1
-----2
-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Oh man, what a travesty we have witnessed tonight. These fans are raining cups and popcorn containers down on DMNW. He put up absolutely no fight at all. He turned his back on his fans with his little vacation, and now his fans are returning the favor. What a sad day for the fans of the WRW. Dead Man Not Walking just gave up in that match.
MF: Hey Paul.
PZ: Well if it ain't the Hoosier Daddy. What's up, Mike?
MF: Awww, nothin'. Did I ever tell you about my mom?
PZ: Not that I remember.
MF: Damn. So what's the next match?
PZ: As far as I know, it's Oldberg vs. Grandpa Muenster, but that Oldberg takes about a week to get to the ring. So why don't we find out.
TB: The following bout is scheduled for one shit, with a twenty minute time limit.
MF: He swore again!! He's back!!!
PZ: Nope. This match is really scheduled for one shit.
MF: Shit.
PZ: Yeah.
TB: Now making his way to the ring...
("Patience" by Gums n' Hoses is played in the background)
TB: From Milwaukee, Wisconsin...weighing in at 88 pounds...GRANDPA MUENSTER!!!
(He comes out throwing cheese head hats to the crowd. They have his name and logo on the side. A couple fans down here have brought cheese graters to support their favorite WRW stuporstar.)
TB: And his opponent...
(Oldberg comes out on a Lark Motor Scooter. He zooms to the bottom of the ramp. His walker is in the back. He stops at the bottom of the ramp, where two fans jump over the guard rail with cigarettes in hand. They take a big drag and blow it in Oldberg's face. He just about passes out, then wakes up and drives his Lark to the ring.)
PZ: Wow, I don't really know what to expect from this match.
MF: What kind of match is it?
PZ: Damn, don't you do your homework? What happened to your gazette last week, anyway? It's a Bucket of Prunes Rectal Warfare Match. There are several buckets of prunes, as you can see, surrounding the ring on the apron. We will go in rounds. When a man has eaten an entire bucket of prunes, we wait for the other man to finish. Then, we go to a new bucket. We keep going like that until one man shits his pants.
MF: Holy...
PZ: Yep. You got that right. Let's get this one going.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: I feel so bad for referee Spanky McGillicutty. He's in a bad spot with this one. He's bringing in the first bucket for both men, now. He's setting it down in front of them. They each have a bucket now, and they are into the first one.
MF: This is insane. We have too many matches that seem to rotate around feces.
PZ: I agree, but I try to satisfy all challenges. Muenster looks like he doesn't even like prunes. Look at his face! Ha!
MF: He's gonna throw up before he shits.
PZ: Yeah, probably. These guys are about halfway through their bucket of prunes, and neither one is showing signs of cracking. Although Muenster does not look happy. They are just about done with that first bucket.
MF: They're empty. Get 'em out of here. Bring in number two.
PZ: I couldn't have said it better myself. The second bucket is in there, and they are both tearing up those prunes. Both of these gentlemen are quite continent for old guys.
MF: Yeah. I'm very impressed. I'd have shit the bed already. Wait, Oldberg is slowing down. He don't look so good.
PZ: Who is this coming to the ring? I've never seen that guy before in my life. I have no idea who it is.
MF: He's got the mike, so let's listen.
Mystery Man: Hello, everybody. Take my wife, please.
PZ: Oldberg can't even hear this guy. He's busy eating his prunes like a madman. Muenster is eating, but kind of listening to this young man as well.
MM: So did you hear about the old man who ate too many prunes? He had an explosive evening. But seriously, folks.
PZ: This kid must be some kind of comedian. He's awful, though.
MM: I went to the doctor, and he said I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion, so he said "Yeah, and you're a bunghole, too." I kid, folks. I'm a kidder. I'll be here all week.
PZ: I don't understand what's going on. I guess deaf ass Oldberg doesn't either. He's halfway through his third bucket, Muenster has barely touched his.
MM: So this midget walks into a bar, and says "Ouch, my head!"
PZ: Oh there he goes!!! Muenster's lost it!!!!
(Ding Ding)
MF: This one is all over, and damn, I mean all over.
PZ: Yeah. That's nasty as hell.
MF: But we now know what that young man's strategy was, even if we don't know who he was. He got Muenster to laugh, which caused him to tighten his stomach up and release some stuff all over the ring area.
TB: Here is your winner...OLDBERG!!!!!!!!
(He's still eating the prunes)
PZ: Somebody get Oldberg out of there. Take the prunes away from him. While they clean up the ring, we're gonna go to an interview from earlier this afternoon featuring the 27th wonder of the world, Dennis Rodman.
*******************
Running Man: So, Mr. Rodman, it seems as though you have been shunned from the NOF, which inhibits you from doing your job...guarding the Little Bus Cardboard Belt.
DR: Yeah. I mean it's hard work being both the NBA's leading rebounder, as well as the guard of the belt. But I take pride in it.
RM: Obviously. So what is in your immediate future?
DR: I don't know. I can't believe that I am not being allowed into the Nation of Fornication. I've fornicated with some of the finest women in showbusiness. Carmen, Madonna, Paula Abdul, the list goes on. Who has that aixelsyD freak done besides family members? Probably nobody.
RM: Yes, I see. We've noticed that you've been seen with Stubbman lately. Are you in kahoots with him somehow. Possibly plotting to get him that belt back?
DR: No, absolutely not. I am not above shifty tactics, but to take a title from someone who has worked hard for it is not what I'm about.
RM: So do you have an alignment with anyone right now?
DR: If I have to give an answer, I'd have to say no. But I do have friends out there. And I've got Carmen, so everybody can shove that up their butthole.
RM: Some short, to the point comments from Dennis Rodman. Sounds like he's here to stay. This is the Running Man for Dennis Rodman, saying peace in the middle east.
******************
PZ: Well, we're back, and this is an odd sight. We are seeing Impotent Ernie in a Viagra Bottle costume coming to the ring. He is followed closely by Crash Test Charlie, Levar Burton, and the Little Bus Cardboard Belt Champion, aixelsyD. This entire entourage has joined him for this match. It has been well publicized that Ernie is the possible next recruit for this gang. Now they're coming down to the ring to watch him fight.
MF: Damn, that's a lot of people.
PZ: Yep. And here's the Star Trek theme, so that means Mr. Speck is on his way to the ring. Yes, and he is with his manager, Captain Pic'Nose. He's got blood just pouring out of his nose.
MF: He was pickin'.
PZ: And a grinnin'. Anyway, this match...hey, I just thought of something. The tie between these two groups is Levar Burton, who played Geordi LaForge on ST:TNG. Remember?
MF: Naw, I don't watch that shit.
PZ: Oh, me neither, I just know his name and how to spell it by talking to him for a minute. Oh well, he's there, and he and aixelsyD have been having a little disagreement lately as far as new members of the NOF and such. Maybe this fight is more even than it appears.
MF: Could be. Why isn't the ref taking away Speck's phaser? That is just a little bit illegal. I kennot doo it keptin.
PZ: I knew you watched Star Trek.
MF: Shut up. I'm looking for nuclear wessels.
PZ: Haha. Gay boy.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: The ref should send all these guys outside the ring back to the dressing room. This is too many people to have ringside during a match. Wait, nevermind, aixelsyD just grabbed Pic'Nose and took him back to the dressing room. There's two people outside now, that's better. Ernie is on top of Speck.
MF: Hope he doesn't pop wood.
PZ: Yeah, I know. He's dropping some huge shots on the top of Speck's head. Speck is in a bad way already. Now Speck pushes Ernie off, but Ernie has him in a scoop.. and a slam to the canvas. Drops an elbow. The Cover.....
-----1
-----2
PZ: Kick out after two. Ernie drops Speck with a kick to the chest. This is a very impressive debut by Impotent Ernie. He picks him up in suplex position, and drops him back. That was deafening. Another cover...
-----1
-----2
-----Kick Out.
PZ: Speck has to mount some offense, here, or he's gonna be looking at a losing record after his first match.
MF: There he goes! He's reaching for his phaser!!
PZ: Nope. Ernie kicked it out to the floor in a hurry. None of that tonight. Ernie is putting him up top. He hits a bodyslam off of the top!! aixelsyD is coming back to ringside!! What did he do with Pic'Nose?
MF: I don't know, but he must be stuck somewhere. Maybe in a closet or something.
PZ: And the match conitinues. Ernie hits a bulldog on Speck. He's got a pin...
-----1
-----2
-----No.
PZ: A close count again by the ref on Speck. He's just barely hanging in there. I'd still like to know where Pic'Nose is. Now Ernie is giving the signal for his finisher!! This'll be it when he hits...
(The lights go out)
MF: What the fuck, Paul? Forget to pay the electric bill again?
PZ: Shut up, Dickhead.
(A mechanical voice is heard saying "Set to Spam")
MF: What the hell is that?
PZ: It sounds like that trekkie freak's phaser. I think it did at least.
(A green beam is shot into the ring from the floor. It hits someone or something in the ring.)
PZ: Did that beam hit somebody?
MF: It had to, it stopped.
PZ: I hope it didn't hit the ref. His medical coverage is a beeeatch for me.
(Lights come back up)
PZ: Both Ernie and Speck are down!!! That beam hit Ernie. Levar Burton is nowhere in sight, now. Holy crap.
MF: Watch your mouth. What's gonna happen now?
PZ: The ref has to count.
Ref: -1
-2
-3
-4
-5
-6
-7
PZ: Speck is moving!! He lays on top of Ernie!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: It's over!! Mr. Speck has won the match, but what happened?
MF: I think I know what happened, but it's not for me to say.
PZ: Ok, whatever. We're gonna go to a commercial, but when we come back, I'll be at the courthouse waiting for the trial of the century to take place.
*************
It's coming
(Someone makes monkey sounds)
Saturday
(More monkey noises)
March 13th
(Louder noises)
Join us in the home of the Mariners, Seahawks, Sonics...
(Louder and more disgusting)
And for one night...the home of the World of Retard Wrestling...
(Sounds are starting to have a kind of "wet" quality)
For our next Pay Per View Event....
(Diane Kronson is now shown in place of the black screen that was there before. She is making nasty ass monkey sounds and breathing heavy like she just climbed two stairs.)
WRW's Brainless in Seattle.
Bring a friend.
***************
Doug Llewelyn: Hello, and welcome once again to the People's Court. I'm Doug Llewelyn, and today we have the case of the Fly Who Weighed Too Much.
(People's Court music plays in the background)
DL: Here is our plaintiff, Fly Girl, a World of Retard Wrestling athlete who is suing her employer because of his blatant disregard for her welfare. She was denied the World Loserweight Championship of the WRW because she was half a pound over the weight limit. She is suing for control of the WRW, along with five dollars for a bus ride home and punitive damages.
(Music restarts)
DL: Here is our defendant, "Cerebral" Paul Z., the owner of the World of Retard Wrestling promotion, based in Buffalo, New York. He claims that it was known to all WRW competitors that only athletes under 115 lbs. would be eligible for the World Loserweight Championship. The Plaintiff assured Mr. Z. that her weight was beneath the limit. When she won the match to win the championship, it was found by the defendant that Ms. Girl was half a pound above the weight limit. Let's go into our courtroom and see how this story progresses.
Rusty the Bailiff: The People's Court is now in session. The honorable Judge Joseph A. Wapner presiding.
Judge Wapner: Please be seated. I know you've been sworn, and I have read your complaint, ma'am. You say that your employer showed malicious intent by stripping you of the World of Retard Wrestling Loserweight Championship...is that correct?...Loserweight?
Fly Girl: That is correct, your honor.
JW: And...your weight at the time was 115½ lbs.
FG: Yes, your honor, or so said the official WRW scale.
JW: I see. And the weight limit for this division is how much?
FG: One fifteen, your honor.
JW: So you were over the limit. Why don't you explain to me why I shouldn't throw this case out right now.
FG: Well, you see your honor, it all started when I was accosted by Mr. Zylinski about a week prior to this event. Actually, I would feel much better if my lawyer, Ben Mattrock, was here.
JW: Ben Matlock? He's your lawyer? Oh boy. Where is he?
FG: I told him to be here at five O'clock sharp. I don't know where he is.
JW: If he doesn't show up shortly, I will dismiss this case. Am I understood?
FG: Yes, your honor.
JW: Mr. Zylinski, tell me your side of the story.
PZ: Well, your honor, it goes like this. She was too heavy to be our Loserweight Champion. We are very strict on our weight limit rules. She was simply too heavy, case closed.
JW: Who are you to decide whether she is too heavy or not?
PZ: I am the owner of this league. I brough out my scale, weighed her, and took the belt away. Why don't you bring out the scales of justice right now?
JW: Fly Girl, do you have any objections?
FG: Ummmm. I guess not.
JW: Very well, then. I'll be right back with that scale. We'll take a five minute recess.
****
5 minutes pass
****
Rusty: Please rise, this court is again in session.
JW: Be seated. OK, here Rusty. Go take this over to Fly Girl and tell me what it says when she stands on it.
Rusty: It says 97 pounds.
JW: Wow. That is something.
PZ: Come on, your honor, she has one of her arms on the podium.
JW: Rusty, move the scale away from the podium. Ms. Girl, please stand on the scale. What does it say now, Rusty?
Rusty: It says 118 pounds.
FG: Your honor, if you will, is my weight on this, the third day in March, on trial in this court today?
JW: I suppose not.
FG: Then why does it come to this? I ask you, your honor, have you ever gained three pounds in as many weeks?
JW: Yes, no doubt.
FG: Then isn't it possible that I could've done the same?
JW: Yes. This evidence is dismissed. You are a very intelligent young girl, Ms. Girl.
FG: Varrooooom.
(Into the courtroom walks an obese, bald man, wearing an open button down shirt with a PJ Harvey t-shirt on underneath. He is carrying a briefcase.)
Man: Your honor, this is a travesty of justice!
JW: And whom, may I ask, are you?
FG: That's my lawyer, Ben Mattrock or something like that. What do they call you, Pinfield?.
JW: That's not Ben Matlock.
BM: No, sir. My name is Ben Mattrock.
JW: Do you have a degree in law, young man?
BM: No sir. I was educated in law at the school of hard knocks, much like the recent hit "Hard Knock Life", by Jay-Z. It was a mellow groove, with the baseline lifted right out of American television history from the musical "Annie".
JW: Well, that does not make you a lawyer by any means.
BM: I have tried several cases in my career and won them all. I may not have a license given by the BAR association, but just as the Beastie Boys' had in 1986 with their hit Def Jam label album, I have a License To Ill.
JW: You make absolutely no sense. It's just mindless babble.
BM: So it's babble, is it? That's exactly what critics said a couple months before Nirvana's "Nevermind" album, featuring the grungelicious hit "Smells Like Teen Spirit", went platinum six times over.
JW: This is not about albums going platinum. This is about people being done wrong by their employers, or in this case, not being done wrong.
BM: Aaaahhh. That is something I know well. The saddened guitar wails of Twiggy Ramirez in the song "May Cause Discoloration of the Urine or Feces" off of the 1995 release 'Smells Like Children' gave the impression of deeper workings and artistic struggles between the obviously troubled bass man and his cohort, one Marilyn Manson.
JW: That is neither here nor there, Mr. Mattrock. You are avoiding the questions I am asking you. Was your employer shown malice when her title was revoked?
BM: My good, good friend Dickie Barrett, lead singer of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, always says that one does not disrespect another until they talk about the music. Just as the multi-platinum release "Let's Face It", released by his band in 1997, he said that he wasn't happy with it because some critics canned it when it was first released. It is a great insult to an artist to have their music disgraced by a critic.
JW: Case dismissed.
BM: Oddly enough, in the Van Halen classic video "Hot For Teacher", a young Tim Robbins, who would later star in such phenomenal films as "The Shawshank Redemption" and "Jacob's Ladder", made his screen debut as "Waldo", a troubled young geek who is battered and abused by his classmates. He had the last laugh, as he scored with many, many women. This was similar to his last laugh to his fellow actors when he claimed awards for his films, which included "The Hudsucker Proxy", where he starred with John Goodman and Archibald Hymen.
Rusty: Mr. Mattrock, you're going to have to leave now.
BM: (singing) "I'm goin' hungry....yea yea...I'm goin' hungry...yea yea...I'm goin' hungry...I don't mind...stealin' bread....."
Rusty: Please, Mr. Mattrock. You have to go now.
BM: It reminds me of the soft, yet intense, blood curdling pulses of the lead guitar, as the piano drifted in with those simple, penetrating chords in the Skyliners' 1958 hit "Since I Don't Have You." I got laid for the first time while that song played on my dad's old eight track player in his old Pinto. I can still recall the feel of the gear shifter up my ass because that car was so small.
Rusty: Alright. That's it. Speaking of getting laid, you're gonna get some love when you're in confinement. That's where you're going right now.
BM: Oh yes. That reminds me of the 1993 Death Row Records release of Snoop Doggy Dogg's "Doggystyle" album. It also reminds me of the release of Dr. Dre's "Dre Day", where a line claims "Luke's bending over, so Luke's getting fucked." It was a classic. Hey, let go of me. I've got so much more to say. Hey, where are we going?....
Rusty: Come on, we're putting you away.
(Paul Z. has made it back to the broadcast location already. He speaks about the trial of the century.)
PZ: Damn, that kid just wouldn't give up. He should've quit while he was ahead. I guess he never was ahead, was he? hahahah. Anyway, this has been a great day in WRW history. WRW 1, Fly Girl 0.
MF: Ha ha that stupid bitch. Serves her right.
PZ: Well, we'll see you on Saturday for our next installment of SHOTGUN. Tell your mama. For Mike Forti and the Running Man, I'm Paul Z., saying good evening.
(Scene fades out with Rusty the Bailiff consoling Fly Girl following her devastating loss. He tells her that she will live to fight another day, and that she should lose a pound or so so she can go after the Loserweight Belt legally. She cries as the scene fades to black. Monkey noises are heard in the background.)
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