It's that time of year again. For the bi-annual
Heisman Trophy race. Who will join such storied
members as Joe Brown (Spring 2000 Heisman winner) and
the always exciting and consistent Pete Call (two time
winner). Well, we are only a few short days away from
crowning the Fall 2000 Heisman Trophy winner.
The History...
Before we take a look at this year's field, let's
discuss a little history behind the Heisman. Well no
one knows for sure where the Heisman originated from.
A formal competition existed all the way back to the
Fall of 1998 between Pete "No Game" Call and Brian
"the Don" Schommer. No Game won the inaugural Heisman
during a hard fought contest after The Don got a
girlfriend and withdrew. It was an always
entertaining adventure during meals at Bromely.
After that year, the history books are unclear as to
who the winners (and participants) of the Heisman
were. Rumors circulated that No Game had such a
strangle hold on the Heisman, that he refused to give
it up. The next fully documented winner was the
surprise Spring 2000 winner Joe "The Punisher" Brown.
The Punisher made such a HUGE impact on the first
night of the Spring 2000 race (hitting on a lesbian I
think), the rest of the field was playing catch up.
The full field even included some wanna-be playaz,
like the always annoying Dan Rose "Dick Nose." The
field (including a not wanted Dick Nose) could not
overcome the lead of The Punisher. A strong 11th hour
attempt by the Don and No Game toward a certain OT
whore were dashed and The Punisher walked away with a
surprise, but on all accounts, well deserved Heisman
victory.
The Rules...
So what IS the Heisman race exactly and how does one
"win" (or lose, depending on how one looks at it). A
simple explanation is that the Heisman goes to the
playa who has the biggest strike out with the ladies
over a set period of time. The Heisman race has
evolved over the years. In past years, there was a
points system involved and no voting occurred.
However, do to the complexity of the points system and
the number of playaz involved, the points system was
scrapped to a voting system.
So here is how the contest works. Each participant
tries his best to hook-up with a female in the Athens
area during the duration of the contest. The means to
hook-up may be a random female, or an already known.
The participant works his "game" as best as he can to
shag a broad. The more time and effort he puts in to
the hook-up (i.e. the more time spent talking with a
random at a bar) the more the Heisman voting committee
will approve. Now if the participant is denied, cock
blocked, passes out, gets kicked out of the bar,
slapped, kicked in the jimmy (big points), or
generally loses interest in the attempt of the
hook-up, this constitutes a serious Heisman
consideration (especially getting kicked in the
jimmy). This case MUST be documented and observed by
at least one of the other participants. If however
(by some stroke of luck) the playa actually succeeds
in the hook-up and closes the deal, the participant
may (and will) lose the Heisman, but I'm sure he'll be
happy with his "consolation prize".
So to sum it up to all you ignorant playaz out
there...try your best to hook-up with as many schlors
as possible this weekend. If you succeed in the
hook-up, great. If you don't, a good story always
comes out as to why and you may be in the race for the
Heisman. The better the story, the better the chance
at the Heisman. Anything goes in the Heisman race, so
it's always an interesting weekend.
All members will vote after the weekend to award the
Fall 2000 Heisman trophy winner.
The Participants...
This year's field is the largest in history, making
this probably the closest and most interesting race in
history. The field has it's fare share of dark horses
and front runners going into the weekend, but one
thing can always be expected of the Heisman
race...it's full of surprises. Let's meet this year's
field (in no particular order).
Ryan "Seven Head" Saballa
Ole' Seven Head (cause he's got more than a
forehead)talks quite a bit of smack and has been quite
smooth with the ladies in the past, even with a steady
girl. Seven Head never lets his girl get in the way
of being a playa. Let's just hope that at last call,
when the bar house lights come on, that the reflection
off that shinny dome doesn't blind his potential
hook-up, giving Seven Head the Fall 2000 Heisman.
Pete "No Game" Call - Fall 1998 Winner
No Game comes to the race as an early front runner.
His lack of game has approached legendary status. At
one time it was rumored that No Game received $20
worth of game, however No Game proven time and time
again, these rumors false.
Andy "Pledge" Huizenga
When he's not pooping, eating, or beating off, Pledge
is part of the Infamous Club 72 Crew. At Club 72,
there are innocent, naive, freshman schlors
everywhere, which puts the Pledge in prime location to
make a serious run at the Heisman. But will beating
off so much hurt his libido and he drops out? That
and a potential in-stone booty call to a certain Red
may make his Heisman bid short lived. However, he
could always be hitting on a woman, and have to go
poop, killing a potential hook-up. Definite Heisman
darkhorse.
Mark "Belligerent, Gay, and Drunk" Lehmann
Don't let the name fool you, The Belligerent Gay Drunk
can quite frankly bring it. He's got the stamina of a
marathon runner (any man who can be sucked off limp
and come back for seconds has quite stamina). The
real test will be if he keeps
his...well...belligerence, gayness, and drunkeness in
check so he can make a real run at the ladies. If he
doesn't keep it in check, he really has no shot.
Joe "The Punisher" Brown - Defending Heisman Trophy
winner.
The Punisher is always a prime candidate for the
Heisman. Although it will be difficult to one-up his
performance last spring, The Punisher and his Stick
will be sure to stirr up the women near the pool
tables. With summertime hook-ups quite plentiful,
it'll be interesting to see if his good game will
continue into the Fall. Then again, this is Athens we
are talking about, and there are A LOT of lesbians to
hit on.
Brian "The Don" Schommer
Okay, the fact of the matter is right now I'm sick as
a dog. I didn't go into work right now b/c I think I
got traveler's explosive diaharea (either that or
malaria). Seriously, since I've composed this I've
nearly shat my drawaz and gone about 6 times since
this morning. I seriously don't think if the
situation doesn't improve, I could be in for a very
non-Heisman weekend...simply for a lack of trying. I
MUST get better so I can drink. I don't see myself
hitting on freshman ladies (trying to keep my Ripken
streak alive) and stopping in mid grind at the club,
running to drop some runny bombs in THAT toilet. I'd
rather die. I may be out of the race. Enough said.
Brian "DJ B-Dub" Weaver
B-Dub, another one of the Club 72 Crew, may not make a
good run at the Heisman this year. Since he wears the
skirt of the relationship, it's hard to imagine that
B-Dub will have enough slack in the lease to make a
stake at this Fall's title. However, don't count out
ANYONE in the Club 72 Crew. He can always pull out
the "Hi, I'm Brian. I live here. Wanna suck my cock?"
Ty "Van Smack" Thompson
Van Smack, the self proclaimed Pimp-In-The-Box, hopes
to truly be a Pimp in some Box this weekend. However,
it'll be interesting to see if Van Smack is all smack,
or has some substance when he layeth the smacketh
down. Van Smack can be an early front runner if he
puts his smack to work.
Hobart "THE PIMP" Edwards
Quite simply, this is THE PIMP's world. We just live
in it. This boy has more game than most of the playaz
in the field. His 3-somes (or near misses),
volleyball orgies are stuff of legend. However, in
the Heisman race, having this much game will hurt THE
PIMP. He may not win the Heisman, but THE PIMP surely
pull something of legend this weekend.
Chris "Guido" Preto
Guido is another early favorite. Guido, the Love
Sponge, has gone through more ups and downs in his
love life than Monica Lewinsky on the President. He
has Ripken-esque streak broken earlier this year only
to start working immediately on breaking that streak.
While his moves with the ladies may not be the
smoothest, he has had his share of run-ins
(tougne-ins) with randoms. One thing is unclear for
Guido...can all the pre-season work and training in
the 'Nati translate into success in A-town. Success
with older 'Nati beotches doesn't always translate
into success in A-town.
Greg "Shemp-Daddy" Kempner
Shemp-Daddy is another one form the 'Nati crew. While
in college, Shemp-Daddy did fairly well with the
ladies, scoring an occasional OT female or two (or
three?) He's had his fair share of bad ones though
which brings us to the question of standards. Will
Shemp-Daddy forgo a gorgeous woman that will most
assuredly earn him a Heisman, or will he go for the
easy hook-up regardless of her (it's) looks. My money
is on another Dani-esque performance.
Deborshi "Skippy" Roy
Skippy has what's called "closet" game. He may look
and act like he has his head on straight, but put
together with his sidekick, Slappy, on weekends like
this, and anything is possible. The Persian Prince is
the only person known to have a random handjob in a
bar...twice. With game like that, Skippy is a hard
worker with the ladies, but as hard as Skippy works
the chances are higher that he could get Heisman
consideration.
Brian "The Green (Tooth) Menace" Lutz
It's hard to imagine the Green (Tooth) Menace will do
very well in this year's Heisman race. A quick look
at the facts will prove this. First, he's recently
hitched, which may be difficult to try anything.
Second, The Green (Tooth) Menace has a unfavorable
history come Heisman weekend. With his lack of
bathing (and tooth brushing), random nakedness, and
more dedication to alcohol than the ladies during last
Fall's race, it's hard to imagine The Green (tooth)
Menace can do well this year.
Kent "Big Dog" Fuller
The Big Dog has always had a certain love of the
ladies. He is one of the founding founders of that
playaz move...the whiplash headspin. We should call
him the Exorcist for the way his dome turns around on
a swivel when a fine lady walks by. Big Dog has game,
that's no doubt, he has no problem talking to any
lady. However there are two things working in his
favor. First, he's only got a short time frame to
make his Heisman case. Second, oh yeah, he's married.
Justin "Crustin the DUI Clown" Fields
Crustin the DUI Clown is one of the new cumers to the
Heisman field. Not much is known of Crustin the DUI
Clown's game, other than what is told through other
candidates. He likes big boobed women, which is a
definite plus. However, a hurting factor may be his
relationship dilemma with the ladies. With a solid
hook-up available on the back-burner (with a name
reminiscent of her bra size), it's hard to predict how
well Crustin the DUI Clown will do.
Brian "Hormone" Harmon
Hormone is another one with plenty of game.
Unfortunately, due to an early season injury (called
engaged in the ATL) will not be able to compete in
this year's Heisman. Maybe next year...oh wait, he's
engaged.
Phil "Phildo" Ross
Quite simply, Phildo is a figment of our imagination.
I used to know a Phildo way back when, and the guy was
smooth as hell with the ladies. Nothing would phase
him. Heisman would not be in Phildo's resume...he had
too much game for that. The man we once knew as
Phildo now has a woman, and that quite simply puts him
out of Heisman contention. Phildo is still Phildo, so
you never know?
Zach "Z-man" Coldwell
Z-man may be the coolest guy I know. Nothing phases
the guy and he never seems to get upset with too many
things. Those are two traits of a sure fire Heisman
favorite...will to take the rejection associated with
earning the Heisman. However, Z-man is just as happy
chillin' than trying hard with the ladies. Z-man
doesn't see the benefit of trying hard and it never
bothers him. He's a great guy and will definitely
show at the bars this weekend, but I doubt come
Sunday, the Heisman will be his.
Jay "Gaylin" Lin
Don't let the name fool you, Gaylin is not gay...it's
true. It's true. Gaylin works well with the ladies
(as long as he keeps his legendary temper under raps).
I would consider him a good candidate to win because
of one thing. Gaylin constantly refers to himself in
the third person...oh, it's true. it's true. I can
see him talking to many a lady and her being instantly
turned off by "Gaylin thinks that you are the best
damn piece of poon-tang Gaylin has ever laid eyes
on..it's true, it's true." So I got to put Gaylin
near the top of the contenders list. And that, my
friends, is true.
Gerald "Birthday Boy" Reed
The Birthday Boy may have a good opportunity to walk
away with the Heisman this year. Yeah, we all know
he's got a woman (no ring, though), but let's consider
these facts. He has a birthday during the weekend and
will be VERY wasted (he BETTER that is). Having the
birthday excuse is an easy way to break the "ice" with
the ladies. (i.e. "HI, It's my birthday. Wanna
fuck?") Plus, Birthday Boy has just joined the ranks
of the full-time employed in the computer industry.
This makes him a VERY good catch for the ladies...with
phat coin and a steady job in a great industry. The
question remains, will the lady prevent him from
making a good Heisman run?
Chris "Hickster" Hickey
The Hickster smokes weed. Blunt. Chronic. Mary
Jane. How does this effect his Heisman chances? I
say positively. From all indications, he's got some
hottie roommates and good connections with the ladies.
When he's "groovin'", I'm willing to bet there is
nothing that this cool cat won't try. (Including 16
year old girls whom he works with in Chi-town) I put
him as a solid mid packer. He may step up this
weekend, but he's going to be tough to read.
Corey "The Rookie" Raub
The Rookie is the newest addition to the Heisman race.
Back in the day, there wasn't anything The Rookie
wouldn't try to hit on the ladies. He was a regular
Superman, leaping tall porch fences with a single
bound just to get closer to the ladies. However,
rumor has it that The Rookie has been seen roaming the
local Athens middle school looking for potentials.
Maybe his name should be the Candyman. However, any
man who stoops to that level, can certainly be
considered a viable candidate. A definite
consideration to win the Heisman in his first attempt.
Ty "Incest is Best" Wallace
Insest is Best has a good record with the OT ladies.
Scored with quite a lot of them. He always keeps
himself in relatively good control around them and
seems to have the upper hand, never with a loss with
the ladies. But that may be his downfall. To win the
Heisman, you have to take chances and go for it.
Incest is Best may, in fact, be too smooth for the
Heisman. I don't see a Heisman for Incest is Best,
but I don't
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