HRDG Classic Emails


Hey fellas, I was clearing out my e-mail at work and I found this long lost unfinished Millennium Prediction I was working on in December. I never got around to finishing it, but it made for some interesting reading....


Well, it appears that some of my New Year's Predictions from last year were way off. To see the recap of last year's predictions, go to the website (www.hrdg.org). Since the past year, we have added a few members and lost a couple too.

So, in the spirit of Christmas in the office (i.e. no one is doing shit), here are my revised Millennium Predictions for everyone...

Harmon
Well ,I was way off last year thinking that he'd get arrested for embezzling money from Racal Recorders. The new century brings some good news for Harmon. After a wonderful wedding ceremony to Amy in Marietta, Harmon and Jeffers settle down in the ATL. After buying his Lincoln LS in a few years, Harmon gets bored with life in the computer industry. He thinks back to when he attended the WWF Raw in Atlanta in February and decides to pursue a career in professional wrestling as Kane's smaller and more bad ass cousin (going as the ring name of Abel). After that angle flops, Abel is transformed into HHH's little brother HH (Hi-Ho). HH and HHH go on to several years as WWF Tag Team Champions with Stephanie McMahnon-Hemsley and Amy Jeffers-Harmon as their managers.

Kent
Last year, I predicted a 3-some would bring an end to the Big Dog. Boy, was I way off. As it turns out, it was a 3-some (of a different sort) in Charlotte that caused Kent to quit his job at AK (does that stand for Another Killing?) Steel and pursue an entrapaneural endeavor. Proprietor of a Strip Club. Yup, that's right fellas. In collaboration with Larry Flynnt's Hustler Store, Kent owns and operates Big Dog's Boom Boom Room. Mel, his ever faithful and supportive wife, helps Kent out as head of scouting and developing talent for the Big Dog's Boom Boom Room. There is no truth to the rumor that Kent gets freebies in the Champagne room. With Viagra more and more readily available, it's quite an up and coming future for Big Dog indeed.

Roy
Even though Dave admitted to all of HRDG to pulling our leg about an arranged marriage to an Indian supermodel, Dave can't hide from us his tragic future. It's all over the national news. After moving out of his pad in the middle of a corn field to a place closer to B-more, D-Roy goes back and gets his MBA. While in school, he's partying it up at the inner harbor he is out with his friends when he meets a lovely lady at a local bar. This local bar happened to be the same one he had shitz over the summer after an O's game. Unbeknownst to D-Roy, the bar happened to be owned by B-more's very own Rayenthal Lewis. Since Dave broke rule number one (No man EVER shits in a bar bathroom), Rayenthal scopes out the joint looking for D-Roy. Rayenthal finds D-Roy upstairs in a corner breaking rule number two (No man EVER gets a random hand job in a bar from one of Rayenthals beotchs). Poor, poor D-Roy. If he could ever keep his pants on, life would have been much longer.

Kempner
Okay, so Kempner doesn't end up as UC's basketball waterboy. Instead, Kempner is the shittiest diaper engineer P&G has ever had. And that's a good thing. Kempner designs and tests a revolutionary new diaper that is 1000 times more absorbent than any other diaper. It's codename is the DP-69. Unfortunately, Kempner didn't come up with the product numbering system and as he's introducing the product to the P&G board he busts out laughing and calls it the Donkey Punch 69. He's promptly fired and loses the patent on his diaper. That's okay, his wife, Dani, gets him a job at a major sporting goods manufacturer designing bowling pins. He's quite successful at it for some reason.

Joe B
Well, Joe B DOES graduate college...at some point. But he decided that engineering isn't his calling. He drops out of the Engineering School 2 classes short of a degree and transfers to the College of English. Joe works through the English classes in about 8 years and becomes one of those weed smoking English students (as apposed to a weed smoking Engineering student). The difference between Joe and the rest of the hippies is that he constantly wears wife beaters. He's one of those "cool" English TA's. Finally, Joe graduates with his English degree (just as he's starting to collect social security) and publishes his first of 500 Punisher War Journals. Unfortunately, like most forms of art, Joe's War Journals are a literary masterpiece AFTER Joe dies penniless...still wearing a wife beater. 500 years from now, people STILL read Punisher War Journals and say..."that is messed up"

Weaver
Good news and bad news for Weaver. After unable to secure a Chem E job after graduation, Weaver takes a job at a McDonald's as a night manager in C-butts. Realizing he misses Sharon too much and waiting for her to graduate, Weaves quits his job at McD's and becomes night manager of the Taco Bell on Court Street. Sharon and Weaver get married after she turns 21 (in about 5 years right?) and Sharon is quite successful (whereas Weaves still works at the Bell). Unfortunately, he gets fired from his job b/c he hits on a 12 year old townie saying "You wanna take a ride on the Starship Weaver?" Luckily Sharon loves him and takes him back. Weaver spends the rest of his life under house arrest (Sharon's orders) as Mr. Mom. We all knew who wore the pants in that relationship anyway.

Lehmann
Boy were we all wrong about Lehmann. Next October, Mark stuns HRDG by coming "out" of the closet. As it turns out, our constant rips on Lehmann being gay made Mark reevaluate his sexuality. Even though he's known to bust back to back nuts in a beotches moowff, it turns out he's gay. Not wanting to face this truth head on, Mark starts hitting the bottle pretty heavily and drops out of school. He constantly hangs out at the O'Hooleys drinking fruity drinks all day long. He blows the bartender for freebies when no one is looking. To make matters worse, he is eventually thrown out of O'Hooleys for being too mean to the customers. That makes Mark a mean, belligerent, gay, drunk, townie. How do like them apples?

Bart
Man was I TOTALLY off last year when I thought Bart to be the next Ron Jeremy. As it turns out, with the change of the new year, Bart turns over a new leaf on life. Turns out the reason we haven't heard from him is that he is religiously devoted to his VERY attractive girlfriend, who happens to be a preacher's daughter. Bart loses he tongue ring (and cock ring probably) and marries his new girlfriend (who happens to be the big V). Bart and his new V don't have sex, kiss, or hold hands until they are married. Bart is the model faithful husband who joins the PTC against pornography and indecency in television and radio. What a swell guy Bart turns out to be. A true pillar of society. Although, personally, I liked the porno star Bart much better.

JReed
Another person we haven't heard from in a while is JReed. As it turns out JReed has been fooling us all along. As the new year unfolds, we learn the truth about JReed. It seems that JReed has been living a double life. In one life he is Gerald Reed, computer programmer for a respectable company. He has a social security card, pays his taxes, and he's his landlady carry up her groceries. The other life he goes by the computer hacker name of Neo. He is guilty of virtually every computer crime there is a law for. One of those lifes has a future. The other one does not. JReed...or Neo, as he likes to be called, mysteriously disappears in and out of telephone booths throughout Columbus. Witnesses say he dresses in all black and tools around with a bald headed black man named Morpheus. If seen please contact your local federal agents.

Zman
The end of this year, saw Zman apparently graduate from Ohio University. Much congratulations to him. The next millennium sees Zman build on that momentum as he makes his transition from college to the rest of society. Seeing how much of a difference Zman can make to society, he decides to move out to Cali and make a run at a political office. Zman joins the Green Party and quickly rises up within the ranks and becomes one of our best and brightest congressman. He is charismatic, and laid back and nothing seems to phase the guy. He spearheads one of the most powerful and influential congressional committees. Of course, it's the one about legalization of marijuana. Zman, a true American hero.

Phildo
Well, Phildo is heard from again. After moving to Kansas City after graduation, Phildo settles down with Komar. Unfortunately, their romance doesn't last long. Being the freak that Phildo is, he proposes video taping him and Komar one night in bed. Like a dumb ass, mixes up the homemade porn with the rented porn from Massive Video (it's a chain now, for those who remember Massive Video). Well, one thing leads to another and the video ends up being the best underground porn ever. Komar freaks out and pulls a John Bobbit on his ass. Poor Phil.

Tyrell
The Love Train certainly earns his nickname in the future. Ty gets enough courage one day to call in to the Jim Rome show. Romey racks him and it goes into Tyrells head. Tyrell becomes obsessed with Romey and starts stalking him. Tyrell is finally arrested for stalking. Police find disturbing naked pictures and a Jim Rome shrine in Tyrells house. At the trial, Tyrell loses it and calls the judge, the Pimp in the Box. In prison, Tyrell earns his Love Train moniker, only for a different reason....the sisters love to ride that train.

I never got around to the following guys (my apologies). I filled in the basics if I had any...

Pledge
Was going to drop out and become an owner of DP Dough and start a chain. The mascot would be a fat kid with man breasts (modeled after the owner). The new "Big Boy" ranks up there with Hot N' Now, Jack N the Box, Taco Johns.

Pete
After playing winter ball with playaz of his own color, Pete goes to an open try out for the CBA. Pete makes the team, and gets called up to the NBA in a John Starks roll (even though everyone knows Pete doesn't have a 'J'). On opening night of his first NBA game, Pete takes a nap before tipoff. When he wakes up he finds himself in his office in Cbutts. He still has no game.

Tyler
Couldn't come up with anything for Tyler....sorry big guy!! I drew a blank.

Justin
Something along the lines of getting arrested for 1.) Drinking in a dry county in Kentucky and 2.) Statutory rape of a 9 year old girl (who you secretly married).

Guido Again, something along the lines of finding a chick on Yahoo I.M. and not liking her. She stalked you and forced you to marry her. You also end up being governor of Ohio b/c of your undying love of the state. (that one was lame).

Saballa
On his last night in Athens, while getting head from a random girl, Molls walks in and turns on the bedroom light. The reflection off your dome blinded her for life. Bad news= Molls is blind. Good news= she never knew. You become a Hair Club Member for life and live with Molls happily ever after. Ain't that sweet.

Corey
Only thing I could come up with was getting put in jail for knocking up a 5 year old Zanesville girl. Again, couldn't come up with much.

Lutz
Lutz and Machie open a bar. Lutz goes to a dentist for the first time. Machie starts her own national organization....MADL (Machie Against Drunk Lutz). Couldn't come up with anything else.

Jaylin
Couldn't come up with much either. Moved to Cali and joined the LBC as "lil' Bom-bay" Arrest for a 187 on an undercover cop. Commited to a mental hospital b/c he says 2 Pac was the leader of his gang.

Me?...I go public with an IPO of HRDG and open at $69 a share. We trade under the symbol HRDG and I make millions until everyone realizes that HRDG
1.)doesn't do shit except talk smack
2.) causes terrible productivity returns
3.) is too regional (localized in shitty Ohio with random sites in Charlotte, Atlanta, and Bmore)
4.) spends all of it's revenue on excess perks (i.e. beer)
I die penniless and married to Pledge's sister!! Woo-Hoo!!!

Out..

BS





This page last modified 2-25-01 by the Juice. Please come back soon and visit us.


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