Hey fellas, I was clearing out my e-mail at work and I found this long lost
unfinished Millennium Prediction I was working on in December. I never got
around to finishing it, but it made for some interesting reading....
Well, it appears that some of my New Year's Predictions from last year were
way off. To see the recap of last year's predictions, go to the website
(www.hrdg.org). Since the past year, we have added a few members and lost
a couple too.
So, in the spirit of Christmas in the office (i.e. no one is doing shit),
here are my revised Millennium Predictions for everyone...
Harmon
Well ,I was way off last year thinking that he'd get arrested for
embezzling money from Racal Recorders. The new century brings some good
news for Harmon. After a wonderful wedding ceremony to Amy in Marietta,
Harmon and Jeffers settle down in the ATL. After buying his Lincoln LS in
a few years, Harmon gets bored with life in the computer industry. He
thinks back to when he attended the WWF Raw in Atlanta in February and
decides to pursue a career in professional wrestling as Kane's smaller and
more bad ass cousin (going as the ring name of Abel). After that angle
flops, Abel is transformed into HHH's little brother HH (Hi-Ho). HH and
HHH go on to several years as WWF Tag Team Champions with Stephanie
McMahnon-Hemsley and Amy Jeffers-Harmon as their managers.
Kent
Last year, I predicted a 3-some would bring an end to the Big Dog.
Boy, was I way off. As it turns out, it was a 3-some (of a different sort)
in Charlotte that caused Kent to quit his job at AK (does that stand for
Another Killing?) Steel and pursue an entrapaneural endeavor. Proprietor
of a Strip Club. Yup, that's right fellas. In collaboration with Larry
Flynnt's Hustler Store, Kent owns and operates Big Dog's Boom Boom Room.
Mel, his ever faithful and supportive wife, helps Kent out as head of
scouting and developing talent for the Big Dog's Boom Boom Room. There is
no truth to the rumor that Kent gets freebies in the Champagne room. With
Viagra more and more readily available, it's quite an up and coming future
for Big Dog indeed.
Roy
Even though Dave admitted to all of HRDG to pulling our leg about an
arranged marriage to an Indian supermodel, Dave can't hide from us his
tragic future. It's all over the national news. After moving out of his
pad in the middle of a corn field to a place closer to B-more, D-Roy goes
back and gets his MBA. While in school, he's partying it up at the inner
harbor he is out with his friends when he meets a lovely lady at a local
bar. This local bar happened to be the same one he had shitz over the
summer after an O's game. Unbeknownst to D-Roy, the bar happened to be
owned by B-more's very own Rayenthal Lewis. Since Dave broke rule number
one (No man EVER shits in a bar bathroom), Rayenthal scopes out the joint
looking for D-Roy. Rayenthal finds D-Roy upstairs in a corner breaking
rule number two (No man EVER gets a random hand job in a bar from one of
Rayenthals beotchs). Poor, poor D-Roy. If he could ever keep his pants
on, life would have been much longer.
Kempner
Okay, so Kempner doesn't end up as UC's basketball waterboy. Instead,
Kempner is the shittiest diaper engineer P&G has ever had. And that's a
good thing. Kempner designs and tests a revolutionary new diaper that is
1000 times more absorbent than any other diaper. It's codename is the
DP-69. Unfortunately, Kempner didn't come up with the product numbering
system and as he's introducing the product to the P&G board he busts out
laughing and calls it the Donkey Punch 69. He's promptly fired and loses
the patent on his diaper. That's okay, his wife, Dani, gets him a job at a
major sporting goods manufacturer designing bowling pins. He's quite
successful at it for some reason.
Joe B
Well, Joe B DOES graduate college...at some point. But he decided
that engineering isn't his calling. He drops out of the Engineering School
2 classes short of a degree and transfers to the College of English. Joe
works through the English classes in about 8 years and becomes one of those
weed smoking English students (as apposed to a weed smoking Engineering
student). The difference between Joe and the rest of the hippies is that
he constantly wears wife beaters. He's one of those "cool" English TA's.
Finally, Joe graduates with his English degree (just as he's starting to
collect social security) and publishes his first of 500 Punisher War
Journals. Unfortunately, like most forms of art, Joe's War Journals are a
literary masterpiece AFTER Joe dies penniless...still wearing a wife
beater. 500 years from now, people STILL read Punisher War Journals and
say..."that is messed up"
Weaver
Good news and bad news for Weaver. After unable to secure a Chem E
job after graduation, Weaver takes a job at a McDonald's as a night manager
in C-butts. Realizing he misses Sharon too much and waiting for her to
graduate, Weaves quits his job at McD's and becomes night manager of the
Taco Bell on Court Street. Sharon and Weaver get married after she turns
21 (in about 5 years right?) and Sharon is quite successful (whereas Weaves
still works at the Bell). Unfortunately, he gets fired from his job b/c he
hits on a 12 year old townie saying "You wanna take a ride on the Starship
Weaver?" Luckily Sharon loves him and takes him back. Weaver spends the
rest of his life under house arrest (Sharon's orders) as Mr. Mom. We all
knew who wore the pants in that relationship anyway.
Lehmann
Boy were we all wrong about Lehmann. Next October, Mark stuns HRDG by
coming "out" of the closet. As it turns out, our constant rips on Lehmann
being gay made Mark reevaluate his sexuality. Even though he's known to
bust back to back nuts in a beotches moowff, it turns out he's gay. Not
wanting to face this truth head on, Mark starts hitting the bottle pretty
heavily and drops out of school. He constantly hangs out at the O'Hooleys
drinking fruity drinks all day long. He blows the bartender for freebies
when no one is looking. To make matters worse, he is eventually thrown out
of O'Hooleys for being too mean to the customers. That makes Mark a mean,
belligerent, gay, drunk, townie. How do like them apples?
Bart
Man was I TOTALLY off last year when I thought Bart to be the next Ron
Jeremy. As it turns out, with the change of the new year, Bart turns over
a new leaf on life. Turns out the reason we haven't heard from him is that
he is religiously devoted to his VERY attractive girlfriend, who happens to
be a preacher's daughter. Bart loses he tongue ring (and cock ring
probably) and marries his new girlfriend (who happens to be the big V).
Bart and his new V don't have sex, kiss, or hold hands until they are
married. Bart is the model faithful husband who joins the PTC against
pornography and indecency in television and radio. What a swell guy Bart
turns out to be. A true pillar of society. Although, personally, I liked
the porno star Bart much better.
JReed
Another person we haven't heard from in a while is JReed. As it turns
out JReed has been fooling us all along. As the new year unfolds, we learn
the truth about JReed. It seems that JReed has been living a double life.
In one life he is Gerald Reed, computer programmer for a respectable
company. He has a social security card, pays his taxes, and he's his
landlady carry up her groceries. The other life he goes by the computer
hacker name of Neo. He is guilty of virtually every computer crime there
is a law for. One of those lifes has a future. The other one does not.
JReed...or Neo, as he likes to be called, mysteriously disappears in and
out of telephone booths throughout Columbus. Witnesses say he dresses in
all black and tools around with a bald headed black man named Morpheus. If
seen please contact your local federal agents.
Zman
The end of this year, saw Zman apparently graduate from Ohio
University. Much congratulations to him. The next millennium sees Zman
build on that momentum as he makes his transition from college to the rest
of society. Seeing how much of a difference Zman can make to society, he
decides to move out to Cali and make a run at a political office. Zman
joins the Green Party and quickly rises up within the ranks and becomes one
of our best and brightest congressman. He is charismatic, and laid back
and nothing seems to phase the guy. He spearheads one of the most powerful
and influential congressional committees. Of course, it's the one about
legalization of marijuana. Zman, a true American hero.
Phildo
Well, Phildo is heard from again. After moving to Kansas City after
graduation, Phildo settles down with Komar. Unfortunately, their romance
doesn't last long. Being the freak that Phildo is, he proposes video
taping him and Komar one night in bed. Like a dumb ass, mixes up the
homemade porn with the rented porn from Massive Video (it's a chain now,
for those who remember Massive Video). Well, one thing leads to another
and the video ends up being the best underground porn ever. Komar freaks
out and pulls a John Bobbit on his ass. Poor Phil.
Tyrell
The Love Train certainly earns his nickname in the future. Ty gets
enough courage one day to call in to the Jim Rome show. Romey racks him
and it goes into Tyrells head. Tyrell becomes obsessed with Romey and
starts stalking him. Tyrell is finally arrested for stalking. Police find
disturbing naked pictures and a Jim Rome shrine in Tyrells house. At the
trial, Tyrell loses it and calls the judge, the Pimp in the Box. In
prison, Tyrell earns his Love Train moniker, only for a different
reason....the sisters love to ride that train.
I never got around to the following guys (my apologies). I filled in the
basics if I had any...
Pledge
Was going to drop out and become an owner of DP Dough and start a
chain. The mascot would be a fat kid with man breasts (modeled after the
owner). The new "Big Boy" ranks up there with Hot N' Now, Jack N the Box,
Taco Johns.
Pete
After playing winter ball with playaz of his own color, Pete goes to
an open try out for the CBA. Pete makes the team, and gets called up to
the NBA in a John Starks roll (even though everyone knows Pete doesn't have
a 'J'). On opening night of his first NBA game, Pete takes a nap before
tipoff. When he wakes up he finds himself in his office in Cbutts. He
still has no game.
Tyler
Couldn't come up with anything for Tyler....sorry big guy!! I drew a
blank.
Justin
Something along the lines of getting arrested for 1.) Drinking in a
dry county in Kentucky and 2.) Statutory rape of a 9 year old girl (who you
secretly married).
Guido
Again, something along the lines of finding a chick on Yahoo I.M. and
not liking her. She stalked you and forced you to marry her. You also end
up being governor of Ohio b/c of your undying love of the state. (that one
was lame).
Saballa
On his last night in Athens, while getting head from a random girl,
Molls walks in and turns on the bedroom light. The reflection off your
dome blinded her for life. Bad news= Molls is blind. Good news= she never
knew. You become a Hair Club Member for life and live with Molls happily
ever after. Ain't that sweet.
Corey
Only thing I could come up with was getting put in jail for knocking
up a 5 year old Zanesville girl. Again, couldn't come up with much.
Lutz
Lutz and Machie open a bar. Lutz goes to a dentist for the first
time. Machie starts her own national organization....MADL (Machie
Against Drunk Lutz). Couldn't come up with anything else.
Jaylin
Couldn't come up with much either. Moved to Cali and joined the LBC
as "lil' Bom-bay" Arrest for a 187 on an undercover cop. Commited to a
mental hospital b/c he says 2 Pac was the leader of his gang.
Me?...I go public with an IPO of HRDG and open at $69 a share. We trade
under the symbol HRDG and I make millions until everyone realizes that HRDG
1.)doesn't do shit except talk smack
2.) causes terrible productivity returns
3.) is too regional (localized in shitty Ohio with
random sites in Charlotte, Atlanta, and Bmore)
4.) spends all of it's revenue on excess perks
(i.e. beer)
I die penniless and married to Pledge's sister!! Woo-Hoo!!!
Out..
BS
This page last modified 2-25-01 by the Juice. Please come back soon and visit us.