Here are some Halloween jokes...
20 Fun Things To Do On Halloween
1.Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand,
etc.)
2.Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump
out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at
them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3.Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big
letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about
time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4.Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come
to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act
like it's a surprise party.
5.Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out
what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring"
sound.
6.After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7.Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or
say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8.When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street,
and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9.When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and
scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the
house, screaming until they go away.
10.Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them
any candy.
11.Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep
asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12.Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes
within 50 yards of your house.
13.When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the
glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14.Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a
moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15.Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that
the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16.Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a
two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17.Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars
in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few
seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18.Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19.Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch.
Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20.Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the
door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when
you're finished.
Funny Halloween Tombstone Sayings
Justin Tyme
Yetta Nother
Barry A. Live
Dawn Under
Ted N. Buried
Yul B. Next
Bill M. Later
Lefty B. Hynde
Kerry M. Off
Fester N. Rott
Reid N. Weep
Sue D. Bum
Jess Gough
Barry M. Deep
U.R. Gone
Otta B. Alive
Mummy B. Ware
Will B. Back
Berry D. Hatchet
R.U. Next
Dr. Izzy Gone
Emma Ghost
M.T. Tomb
Halloween Survival Guide
*When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
*If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.
*Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
*Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
*If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
*When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
*As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
*Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
*If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
*If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
*Do not take *anything* from the dead.
*If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
*Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
*If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
*If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
*Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
*If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10.You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY
Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton: Any supermodel.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."
Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.
FUNNY PICTURES
