BOWIE: Well, speaking of a bright future, let's go RIGHT UP for our next match!!! *DING* *DING* *DING* COLLINS: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall ... coming down the aisle from Oxford, England weighing 265lbs .. Lord BY-RONNNNN!!! ["Ride of the Valkyries" by Elgar plays elegantly across the PA as a well-dressed man in black loose-fitting trousers with a blue sash and a Lancashire red rose on the left thigh makes his way down the aisle. His nose is high in the air and he doesn't acknowledge any of the quiet fans. The man cradles a brass-topped cain. As soon as he enters the ring he executes a French bow. The crowd still doesn't react much to him.] BOWIE: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight a match between two more newcomers to FWLI action. Lord Byron vs. "The Cruiser" Eddie Carpenter. That's Lord Byron in the ring. What do you know about him, Lance? HEART: More than these peons at ringside do or they'd be applauding him right now. This man is full of class, dignity, talent and... BOWIE: Apparently himself... Lord Byron's telling the ringside fans to stand up and respect him appropriately! HEART: And they should. This man won a silver medal for Britain in the Olympics some years back. BOWIE: Which year was that? HEART: 1990 I think. BOWIE: 1990 was not an Olympic year, Lance. You're making this up! HEART: I am not. That's what Byron told me. He won Olympic silver. I just got the dates confused is all. BOWIE: You get a lot of things confused, Lance. All right ladies and gentlemen, one of our two competitors is in the ring right now. In a moment we shall see the arrival of his opponent, "The Cruiser" Eddie Carpenter. HEART: Have you met his sister Karen? Great voice for such a thin woman. BOWIE: Will you stop, Lance! ["Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor starts up, the crowd begins to pop appreciatively.] BOWIE: All right, things getting a little livelier here now! HEART: You'd almost think Hulk Hogan will be coming out. BOWIE: If this were way back in 1983 maybe. HEART: True, who'd pay to see him today? BOWIE: Our televised competition, Lance. COLLINS: And his opponent... from EASTON, PENNSYLVANIA ... WEIGHING 240LBS ... "THE CRUISER" EDDDD-DIEEEEE ... CARRRRRPENTERRRRR!!!! [An athletically-built man in a garish purple, pink and red polk-a-dotted unitard comes down the aisle, hi-fiving the fans. He looks energetic and friendly. The crowd pops as he makes his way to the ring.] BOWIE: All right, "The Cruiser" Eddie Carpenter set to lock up with Lord Byron. The fans seem to like "The Cruiser" already, Lance! HEART: I don't know why! Just because he slaps a few greasy unwashed palms? Jeesh, these humanoids are pathetic! BOWIE: Uh Lance.... HEART: Yes? BOWIE: You can't call the fans humanoids. HEART: Why not? That's what they are! BOWIE: I think that's the intellectual property of WCW or something. HEART: Watching Complete Washouts? You're right. Them and their competition are probably watching right now trying to steal our ideas and personalities! BOWIE: I can't imagine you being copied by anyone, Lance... Let's get to the action. HEART: Somebody get me a monitor. I want to see if anybody resembles me on any other wrestling show. This is serious! BOWIE: Just drop it, Lance. In the ring now Byron and Carpenter lock up... Byron the bigger and seemingly the stronger of the two ... they feel their way around the ropes... into the corner and out again ... HEADLOCK BY BYRON!!! And "The Cruiser" looking for a way to escape! HEART: Yeah, by grabbing a handful of hair! BOWIE: AND BYRON SLAPS CRUISER WHILE STILL MAINTAINING THE HEADLOCK! HEART: You tell him, Byron! Nobody messes with the hair of a gentleman! BOWIE: Carpenter gets his feet set...BELLY TO BACK SUPLEX! HEART: And Byron quickly outside the ring! BOWIE: And the fans are letting him have it. Listen to the boos, Lance! They don't like him! HEART: Because they got no class! They think horse manure is an expensive cologne! Ha! Steal that line whoever BOWIE: Will you stop! Byron back in the ring...once again these competitors lock up...Byron a little more cautious now.... HEART: He's feeling him out! That's all! BOWIE: He certainly felt that back suplex! HIPTOSS BY BYRON! HEART: See, Byron's an intelligent wrestler! He takes the time to figure his opponents out! BOWIE: And the crowd still booing him. They really don't like him! HEART: Morons! BOWIE: Cruiser back up... HIPTOSS BY CARPENTER! ... and now the crowds are cheering, Lance! Byron up... BODY SLAM BY CARPENTER ... Byron up ... ANOTHER BODY SLAM BY CRUISER ... Byron up again ... AND RIGHT BACK DOWN!!! And Lord Byron crawls to the outside again to regroup! HEART: Wouldn't you after three body slams? He lost his head for a minute there. Now he wants to get it back under control! BOWIE: He'd better or this match will be over soon! HEART: Don't count him out yet, Bowie. There's still a lot of match left to go! BOWIE: Byron back into the ring... he's favouring his back slightly... BYRON WITH A HANDFUL OF HAIR ... come on ref! BYRON YANKING CARPENTER INTO POSITION ... WHIP TO THE BUCKLE, LANCE! AND LORD BYRON'S GOING TO WORK WITH A SERIES OF CHOPS AND EUROPEAN UPPERCUTS ... OOOH, DID YOU SEE THAT? HEART: That last uppercut nearly knocked Carpenter out of the ring! Chop him again! Let me hear that sweet chin music! BOWIE: Again, Lance, I think that's somebody else's intellectual property or something! HEART: Dammit, what am I allowed to say then? It's not my fault everybody has to come up with catch phrases to spice up average wrestling. I've been at the forefront of sports-entertainment for over fifty years! BOWIE: You have not and I think that's somebody else's line, too, Lance! HEART: Oh forget it, let's just get back to the match! BOWIE: IRISH WHIP BY LORD BYRON ... NO! REVERSAL! AND IT'S BYRON TO THE BUCKLE... FOLLOWED IN BY CARPENTER...BIG CLOTHESLINE IN THE CORNER! HEART: Get out of the ring, Byron. This man's feeding off the crowd's energy now! BOWIE: ANOTHER IRISH WHIP BY CARPENTER ... AND ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE! Eddie Carpenter is really asserting himself here tonight. He wants to make a big impression, Lance! HEART: He's pandering to the crowd! Byron, get him! Take this piece of garbage out! I can't even look at him in that outfit! No wonder he's got the advantage! Byron can't even look at him! BOWIE: Carpenter's outfit is flashy no question about it! Pick up by Carpenter into a ... BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX! So far Lance we've seen more wrestling out of Eddie Carpenter than your so-called Olympic medalist! HEART: He got the drop on Lord Byron, like a claim jumper, by Byron is a man of class, distinction and breeding. He won't lose his head in there! BOWIE: HE JUST DID!!! DID YOU SEE THAT CLOTHESLINE BY CARPENTER??? HE KNOCKED BYRON OUT OF THE RING! HEART: Yeah, Byron's down, but he's not out. And now Carpenter's coming out after him! He should just stay in the ring! BOWIE: Carpenter showing a bit of brawling tactics, stomping on Byron outside the ring. HEART: And why are the fans cheering him? BOWIE: Carpenter setting up to shove Byron back into the ring... IRISH WHIP BY BYRON... CARPENTER WENT INTO THE RINGPOST, LANCE! HEART: And Carpenter brought this upon himself. Lord Byron fetching his cane... knock his block off! BOWIE: And Byron threatening to flog Carpenter with his cane! Get in there ref! Disqualify him! HEART: He hasn't hit him yet! BOWIE: And Byron sets aside his cane and rolls Carpenter back into the ring. He's through the ropes now. BACKBREAKER BY BYRON! HEART: He's mad, bad and dangerous! BOWIE: What are you talking about? BYRON OFF THE ROPES... SPINNING NECKBREAKER! HEART: You see, now Byron's coming back. I told you not to count him out! BOWIE: AND BYRON OFF THE ROPES... DROPS THE ELBOW! HEART: He's measuring him! BOWIE: AND BYRON OFF THE ROPES ... ANOTHER ELBOW FINDS THE MARK! HEART: Take him out, Byron! BOWIE: Lord Byron certainly keeping young Carpenter grounded! HEART: You might say he's nailed to the floor! BOWIE: And Byron again off the ropes for a third elbow ... HE MISSED!!! EDDIE CARPENTER ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY JUST IN TIME!!! HEART: And Carpenter's on his feet! He just whipped Byron into the ropes.... Oh no! BOWIE: OH YES!!! TILT-A-WHIRL SUPLEX BY THE CRUISER! Carpenter coming off the ropes again... elbow drop ... missed! Both men scrambling to their feet ... Eddie Carpenter has Byron waistlocked ... BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX! HEART: Is Byron still conscious? I don't see him moving out there. BOWIE: I don't know. Carpenter up top ... MOONSAULT!!! That's it! Cover that man! Where's the count??? HEART: Foot's on the ropes! Lord Byron still had some presence of mind! BOWIE: A desperation move on the part of Lord Byron. Eddie Carpenter picks up Lord Byron whips him into the ropes ... no reversal ... BYRON DUCKS HIS HEAD!!! HEART: No, that was too soon! BOWIE: Telegraphed manoeuvre! And Carpenter's got him in a front facelock. He's hooking the leg...setting up for a cradle-suplex! HEART: NO! Byron's got him in a small package! BOWIE: 1...2... NO! REVERSAL BY CARPENTER! 1... 2. .... HEART: NO! Byron's reversed it again! BOWIE: 1... 2... ANOTHER REVERSAL BY CARPENTER!!! 1... 2... HEART: And Byron's reversed it again! They're rolling around like a ball in there! BOWIE: AND BYRON'S GOT CARPENTER BY THE TIGHTS! 1... 2... 3!!!! NO REF HE HAD THE TIGHTS! COLLINS: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match in a time of 7 MINUTES AND 13 SECONDS ... LORD BYRON! [The crowd boos as Byron executes a French bow. "The Ride of the Valkyries" plays over the PA!] BOWIE: Well, Lord Byron steals a victory in his first FWLI match! HEART: Stole a victory? No way! Those were some beautiful, thinking manoeuvres by Lord Byron to get the pinfall! See, when the match was wrestling, Lord Byron took it. BOWIE: He had a handful of tights, Lance! HEART: I'm not sure he did. I didn't see that. All I know is that this is the FWLI where some big boys play and Lord Byron just proved he's one of the big boys! BOWIE: Lance, I hate to tell you this, but you can't use that, either. HEART: Oh then just forget I said anything, all right?