KUSH'S FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE

"I own this league - you guys all suck"

AND THEN THERE WAS ONE - As we approach the midpoint of the season, there remains only one undefeated (only because he hasn’t played me yet) team - RAGS is 5-0 after humiliating Burnsie last week.

Below is my analysis of each team’s performance to date:

MILES - My 2-3 record is only a temporary set back and I’m confident that I’ll run the table (I guarantee a victory of Lags) and lock up first place and 2 victories later I’ll be polishing my championship trophy and looking forward to the 97 season - can anyone say "three-peat". GM Grade = A+, Coaching Grade = A-

LAGS - What can I say - "It’s better to be rucky than good." His team will be exposed as a pretender and I will completely undress the smug little faggot when I destroy his team in week 11. But due to the incredible number of weak teams - Lags will lock up a play-off berth and maybe even a first round bye. GM Grade = D-, Coaching Grade= B+

SLUGGO - I think you sat too close to Wesco during the draft. Your team (except Farve) sucks - No, I mean it REALLY sucks. How you have a winning record baffles the commish. Don’t worry - you’re going down and you’re going down hard. Look out Sluggo, the toilet bowl is on the way. GM Grade = F+, Coaching Grade = B

WESCO - My how the mighty have fallen! After winning the high points in week 1 you’ve dropped like a rock. I’m nominating you for GM of the year for your excellent trade of Faulk for that stiff Kijana (I’m a back up) Carter and you traded your #1,2 and 3 draft picks to move up to get Faulk. So using a simple linear regression analysis you obtain the following relationship: Back-up running back for a sucky team = a first, second, and third round draft pick; correlation coefficient =0.99. GM Grade = F-, Coaching Grade = D+.

MARK - You have the talent on your team you’re just not playing the right people - get some advice from your clueless roommates. No just kidding - your team really sucks. Another toilet bowl appearance seems likely. GM Grade = D-, Coaching Grade = D+.

BURNSIE - After stealing Moore and Del Greco from Luke your team has solidified. Stop picking up all those free agent stiffs - Harry Green, Tony Banks (well almost), Earnest "nice do" Byner ( whoops, Kush picked him up just seconds before you called), Chris Chandler (sorry, Kush just barely beat you - maybe you should use speed dial) and Hoss three times. I predict BURNSIE’S team will begin its annual freefall through the standings as that cancer Larry Phillips spreads throughout the team. Take some advice - CUT Galloway now!! GM Grade(Meats) = A, Coaching Grade (Burnsie) = D.

KUSH - Tell me it ain’t so - you really picked up Joe Aska?? (BONUS for all GMs : Correctly identify Aska’s position and his team - without looking it up- and the first caller with the correct answer will receive free free agent pick-ups this week. Your offense is potent thanks to the fact that I gave you Terell Davis last year but your defense is giving up way too many points. GM Grade = C, Offensive Coach = C+, Defensive Coach = F-

PRINGLE - As I mentioned before the best thing about Pringle’s team is that !@"$%&#$%#!#@. Kotite finally started using Murrell like the workhorse back he is and your team should improve, but only marginally. Basically - you suck. I have analyzed your team on a position by position basis and I hope this will aid you in trying to field a competent team. Your QB sucks, your running backs are horrible and your wide receivers are worse. You have even ruined the reliable Morten Anderesn at the kicker position and your tight end has been nonexistent - other than that your team is pretty solid. GM Grade = F-, Coaching Grade = F-

DAVE - I felt sorry for him and his team of stiffs so I offered him Jeff George as compensation for his idiocy in the Johnny Johnson trade. But No, Crybaby Dave takes advantage of my good nature and demands Tim Brown. Being the nice guy that I am I give up Brown who then easily becomes the best player on Dave’s team of stiffs and this one player alone will carry Dave to the playoffs for the first time since I can’t remember when. You’re Welcome Dave. GM Grade = F, Crybaby Grade = A+, Coaching Grade = C-

LUKE - Prior to last week, your first 5 draft picks had failed to score a touchdown - excellent draft preparation - did you and Lags use the same copy of the Pottstown Mercury. Best GM move of the year - Picking up and playing Leslie (isn’t that a girl’s name) Sheperd last week. Worst GM move of the year (there was a lot of competition for this award) - Trading Moore and Al "automatic" Del Greco for that stiff Chris Warren. You will have an outside shot at the playoffs but will be eliminated in the first round. GM Grade = D+, Coaching Grade = B

RALPH - Now that Hearst is starting for the bengirls your team should show marked improvement. Excellent pick-up of that day-go kicker for new england - he gave you enough points to smoke Burnsie. As I predicted earlier, Ralph will rise to the occasion and bring home the toilet bowl championship this week. GM Grade =C, Coching Grade = C+

JEFF - I can’t think of anything good to say about your team so I won’t say anything at all. GM Grade = D-, Coaching Grade =C.

Quotable - Some recent musings around the league

Match the Quote to the Quota - correct answers at end of newsletter.

1 "How come Kush picks up every free agent I want just before I call"

2 "When you prepare extensively and thoroughly for the draft (the Pottstown Mercury) - you don’t need to use the waiver wire"

3 "It pays to be a crybaby (i.e. - Tim Brown)"

4 "Farve and 8 stiffs can beat anyone"

5 "I want to play Sluggo on Farve’s bye week"

6 " If I lose next week, I’m trading Terry Allen and Husted for Herschell and a sixpack"

7 "Bledsoe is due"

8 "I’m an Idiot"

9 " If Richie would give Murrell the ball, I could win this thing"

10. "I still have the best team in the league - my record just doesn’t reflect it"

11 " If I had a gun with me down the shore, I would have shot that Douchebag (Luke)"

12. "Some call it parity, I call it mediocrity"

A. Pringle

B. Kush and Miles

C. Miles after giving Tim Brown to Dave

D. Dave

E. Mark

F. Burnsie

G. Everyone

H. Lags

I. Mrs. Pringle

J. Wesco

K. Sluggo

L. POPS

News and Notes From Around the League

Kush, Burnsie and Luke are all vying for the title of "King of the Stiff pick-up off the waiver wire" - Stay tuned for further stiff pick-ups.

If you don’t like Wesco’s team, stick around it will change next week.

GM tip of the week - Call Wesco 3 times a day and offer garbage for Terry Allen - sooner or later you will get him.

As Del Greco goes, so goes Burnsie.

There are three candidates for trade of the year - please call in your votes to the commish.

A. Burnsie - Traded Stiff Warren for Herman Moore and Al DelGreco

B. Kush - Traded Kijana (I’ll never start) Carter for Marshall Faulk.

C. Dave - Traded Nothing for Tim Brown

Final Standings - you can take this to the bank

Miles 10-3

Lags 9-4

Dave 8-5

Burnsie 7-6

Luke 7-6

Kush 7-6

Ralph 6-7

Sluggo 6-7

Wesco 5-8

Jeff 5-8

Mark 4-9

Pringle 4-9

Some losers still have not paid their dues - send your money to our astute treasurer immediately - 50 HARTMAN road reading pa. there will be a $5 fine for each week you are late.

Possible owners party at Dave’s house on October 27 - let me know if you are interested.

Unfortunately I’ve run out of time and didn’t get a chance to say anything nice about the ex-commissioner’s wife - stay tuned for future newsletters.