KUSH'S FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE

"I own this league - you guys all suck"

The Office Of The Commissioner

(by John Miles)

Some observations of the recent Fantasy Football draft held at the historic and palatial Knights of Columbus.

Before I begin I would like to personally thank Dave Brennan for taking Johnnie Johnson (cut) off my hands for a 3rd and 7th round pick. I realize as commissioner, I probably should have vetoed this trade but what with all the excitement and everything I kind of lost track myself. I think this trade will insure the defense of my title - thanks for the money, suckers.

Draft Analysis

MARK - The best thing about Mark’s team is that he has only 2 Steelers on it. Bledsoe in the second round - maybe he has better information than the rest of us, Lags notwithstanding. Sanders better score enough points for 3 running backs because Allen (senior citizen) and Floyd (you must be kidding) are not going to be doing much of anything. Let’s hope Ben Coates has a big year because this is the only way Mark has a chance at some money. After an excellent performance last year - Mark will be back where he belongs - in the toilet bowl.

LAGS - Where do I start? Welcome back and thanks for the money and the draft day entertainment. Jerry Ellison in the 3rd round was excellent comic relief for a bitterly tense draft. But Lags, remember ancient oriental saying -he who raughs rast raughs best- I expect a big season out of Ellison as Rhett is in the dog house and all those who mocked you (Kush, Luke, Meat) may be sitting behind you in the standings. Eric Green (quitter) and Fraud Reviez (cripple) are outstanding examples of the extensive and exhaustive research and preparation that have become Lags’ draft day trademark. Lags best draft pick - Raymont Harris in the 13th round - I expect him to crack Lags’ always tough starting line-up by the first game of the season. Lags top 4 players (McDuffy, Mitchell, Watters, and Miller) will carry his team to significant (for Lags) number of victories plus his 2 guaranteed victories over Luke, will position him for a run at the playoffs - but he will fall short as usual. Lags thanks for the dough and promise the league you will be back next year.

WESCO- Gets the award for "Native American Giver" for offering a 1st, 2nd, and 3rd pick for Emmitt and after the trade was accepted declaring he was not interested anymore. After being brutally raped by Dave prior to the draft, he showed amazing recuperative powers and rebounded with an excellent (for him) draft. He has 3 reasonable running backs in Faulk, Allen, and Williams, but his receiving corps sucks even though he believes there will be a lot of Aikman ( his QB and fantasy stiff) to Deion TDs. Last year’s poor draft is still having effects as he kept Elam and Deion (are you kidding) but I predict big things from Wesco this year - he still has a few trades in his back pocket - A sixth place finish and first ever playoff berth before his predictable annihilation in the playoffs.

DAVE - What can I say other than thank you. Dave (yes, he kept a jet) apparently will be using the 2 tight end offense this season with Brady and Sharpe - too bad he doesn’t have a decent running back. His rape of Wesco does not appear to be as satisfying as first thought, as Dave squandered his extra picks including the ones he gave to yours truly. Don’t count Dave out just yet he has some deep sleepers in McElroy (who?), Sherrard and Parmalee and he can possibly sucker Jeff into giving up half his team for that has-been Marino. If you expect little from Dave this year, you won’t be disappointed. Another year out of the playoffs and buying the beer - thanks again Dave.

LUKE - His running backs suck (A-ron Hayden is a stiff and Russell will get all of the TDs)and most of his team is in the NFC central but Brooks and Moore will score a lot of points. Mark Brunnel as quarterback could have been a big problem so I hope he thanks Ralph and Sluggo for the Eric Kramer 3 way trade. Al del Greco was a steal in the 10th round and he should be the leading scorer on his squad. Luke will be a championship pretender again this year - winning a first round playoff game against the surprising Wesco and then he will be crushed in the next round.

MILES - Thanks again Dave. I believe my team is untouchable this year. With the running back trifecta of Smith, Martin, and Bettis, I will once again rule the league. I will beat most teams with these three players alone and with George, Irvin, and Brown, most games will be a blow out - it’s going to be a boring season.. I even ended up with the 49ers starting running back after I used deceptive trade practices against Dave. What can I say - I’m the overwhelming favorite to win the league and will be the first owner to successfully defend his championship with a strong possibility of a threepeat in 97. Thanks for the money suckers.

KUSH - Steve Young with the 3rd pick - what were you thinking - you should have taken Rice and then when you fall apart in the first 7 games you could trade him to me for 2 sixpacks and a can of spam. Actually Kush has a decent team thanks to his two hold overs from last year - his drafting this year was lackluster. Irving Spikes (cut) Jeff Graham (jets) and Marqoutt Smith (who) along with the always productive Willy Green account for the lack of depth on this squad. However, his starters are strong and should propel him to a second place finish (mainly due to lack of competition in the league) and a bye in the first round of the playoffs. he may even win in the semifinal only to be crushed by the TRUE commissioner in the superbowl. Good try Kush but you don’t have the horses.

BURNSIE or should I say MEAT - When he failed to draft Herschell, it was obvious to all Meat was making decisions in the war room. I think Meat is the only reason he has a chance to shake the stigma of the only owner to have Emmitt on the roster and not win the championship - in fact he didn’t even make the playoffs. I predict a strong season and a playoff berth and a battle with Kush to lock up second place in the league. In the draft, Burnsie (Meat) went strong after young running backs (Phillips,George,Jabbar) in addition to the stud Warren. He could have QB trouble and his receivers are unproven and he has too many players on Seattle and Houston, but overall league mediocrity will allow Burnsie (Meat) to enter the playoffs (other than the toilet bowl) for the first time.

SLUGGO - Welcome to the league and thanks for your contribution. After Farve, Sluggo’s draft goes down hill fast - he was sitting too close too Wesco who was employing subterfuge in an effort to confuse him. Thurman Thomas (old cripple), Hoard (0 TDs last year), and Kirby (cut) could provide quite a few shutouts from your running backs; if Farve gets hurt I can see many poor management penalties adding to my winnings. "It’s notta" Toomer must have a big year or Sluggo will be relegated to a first round lost in the toilet bowl tournament.

PRINGLE - The best thing about Pringle is nobody will have to listen to his wife bellyache about getting phone calls at odd hours (LUKE). I predict running back trouble for last year’s inept commissioner. Murrel (I still can’t believe he kept a Jet - he and Dave must be doing the same drugs), Rhett (trouble maker and Jerry Ellison wannabe), and Hamptom (he stinks -ask Burnsie) are weak. However, the Morten Anderson pick in the six round -you can keep him next year instead of Murrell- was pure genius and will have Pringle fighting for that last playoff spot.

JEFF - His top three players are excellent (well, maybe 2 out of 3) but after that there is serious trouble. His homer picks - Peete, Fryar, Turner (what!!) will give him a reason to watch the Eagles’ game but will provide minimal points. His best pick was the supplemental pick of Jason Hason - this will prevent Jeff from the cellar - Dave has that locked up. I predict Craver will break into Jeff’s starting lineup early in the season and could take him to the toilet bowl championship game.

RALPH - Ralph’s top 4 players are all from the NFC Central and then the rest of his team sucks. I expect week 8 (NFC Central Bye Week), Ralph will be eligible for the poor management fine. He may have jumped too early on Chris T Jones as a third rounder (he was the 69th WR on most draft boards) and this will result in running back problems all year for him. Bennett (stinks), Hearst (1 TD last year - cut this year), Rosie Potts (cut and a drug addict) and Marion Butts (isn’t he the mayor of Washington DC) are not going to take Ralphie to the promised land. On the plus side, there are only 2 Steelers on his team. I predict Ralph will make a run at the playoffs but fall short and end up as toilet bowl champion. - Congratulations Ralph!!!

Predictions From The Office Of The Commissioner

Miles 12-1 Wins Championship

Kush 9-4 Second Place - Crushed by the Commissioner

Burns(Meat) 9-4 Loss in First Round - No Playoff Experience

Luke 8-5 Win First Round and then out

Wesco 7-6 Lucky just to be here - lose first round

Pringle 7-6 Upsets Meat and then out

Ralph 6-7 Wins Toilet Bowl - still pays for beer

Jeff 5-8 Makes Toilet Bowl Championship Game

Mark 5-8 Buys Beer

Lags 4-9 Buys Beer

Sluggo 4-9 Buys Beer

Dave 2-11 Buys Beer and considers selling team in the best interest of league

Message From The Treasurer

For all owners who did not pay at the draft you will lose a player (at the discretion of the treasurer) per week for each week you are late. Sluggo - you lost Farve and Perriman, Burnsie (Meat’s puppet) - you lost Hardballs and Pederson, Jeff says he paid cash but there is no record - you lost Bruce and Pickens, Dave - you can decide who you want to lose - it really doesn’t matter, Kush - you lost Young and Davis, and Mark you lose Sanders and Conway.

Miscellaneous Notes From The Office Of The Commissioner

What did Luke do with all the money he collected for the food - $7 - are you kidding me?.

Next year’s draft will be on the Sunday before opening day. Make plans to be there - no excuses and no more babies.

I ask all of the fantasy owners to have mercy and not make any side bets with Dave - this is tantamount to stealing.