An ad for the PPV plays before the live telecast, then cameras go to pyro going off at the Coliseum, and signs all over saying "See you at the Massacre" and "Survivor 3:16"
CS: Hi I'm Chris Stafford and this is Maxxie
Maxx: HEY!!! Enough shit from
you!
CS: I got a bruise right here from you ya lil bastard!
Maxx: Liar!
You used makeup
CS: Look who's talking! Mr. Ally McBeal fanatic
Maxx:
Grrrrr
"The following is a rampage match"
CS: That's hardcore match in lay man's terms.
"Where my Dogs at" by DMX plays...
"Making his debut in the
RWF...from Santa Monica, CA, weighing 252 lbs...Jay "So Smooth Richardson!!!!"
Maxx: Any relation to Confusion?
CS: If so their relationship would
resemble Bob and Crash Holly's.
Maxx: A match between these two would be
rather interesting.
"Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill plays...
"From Tijuana,
Mexico, weighing 205 lbs....El Loco Mexicano!!!!"
MATCH RESULT:The crazy Mexican was all over the Smooth one in this this
match showing he is all ready for the battle royale. Several chairshots later
and a short walk for a cold Corona was all El Loco Mexicano needed to inspire
this win...on a pool table.
MATCH WINNER: El Loco Mexicano by pinfall
Maxx: Oddball in corner pocket
CS: El Loco Mexicano with an impressive
win.
Maxx: Blood going down Jay's face
CS: Well that is one on the Nose
Job Meter
Maxx: Nose Job Meter?????
CS: Hey it's a night of stipulations!
You know there will be at least a half dozen that will be accounted for.
"The following contest is a first blood match!!!!"
"5 Minutes Alone" by
Pantera plays...
"From parts unknown, weighing 261 lbs...Jakob Creed!!!"
"Falling Away From Me" by KoRn plays...
"From Golden Rivers,
Nevada, weighing 246 lbs...'The Golden One' El Dorado!!!!"
MATCH RESULT: Jakob got the momentum early as he elbowed El Dorado then
did a leg drop upon his neck, taking him down. The match became more of a melee
as the two fought all over the arena -- ringside, the crowd seating, towards the
locker rooms, until they fought down the stairs into the WVU Coliseum entry
ramp, where El Dorado whacked Creed with a metal ladder, busting him
open.
MATCH WINNER: "The Golden One" El Dorado
CS: Jakob's ladder just smacked him in the face
Maxx: This is my
impersonation of Creed: "I've fallen and I can't get up!!!"
CS: God damn you
quit that!
Maxx: That's two on the Nose Job Meter! Now it's time for the NYC
Street Fight between the Mob Brigade and the Sexicutioners.
A camera shows a deserted parking lot. A referee stands on the
sidelines.
MATCH RESULT:Both members of both teams immediate start
whipping the hell out of each other. Marcellus bashes GorGor's head into the
concrete and busts him open.
CS: Three on the Nose Job Meter!
Maxx: Check this out.
A split screen shows Don Ciccolini trying to leave the arena to go to the lot, but enforcers are holding him back. The same on the other side with Timmy the Midget.
Oderus Urungus sets up a piledriver on Vinny, but Marcellus clotheslines
Oderus. He sets up Oderus in a piledriver, then Vinny leaped from the top rope,
grabbed Oderus' ankles and helped perform the Last Rites and get the
win.
MATCH WINNER: The Mob Brigade by pinfall
CS: Is Oderus bleeding too?
Maxx: Bleeding or not, definitely has a
headache.
CS: Here comes Timmy!!!
Timmy the Midget finally makes his way out to the lot, but Vinny catches him, yanks down the pants, and bends him over his knee as to spank him, but not before GorGor attacks him from behind and rescues his little companion.
Maxx: I really didn't need to see that
CS: Oh Maxxie, doesn't he have a
cute wittle butt????
Maxx: Shut the fuck up you fuckin' canuck! I hate that!
"California Love" by Dr. Dre and 2-Pac plays...
"Accompanied by the
notorious P.I.G...at a total combined weight of 671 lbs, Thug and MacDaddy of
Pain...Cartel!!!!!"
"Rocket Queen" by Guns 'N Roses plays...
"From Binghamton, New
York, weighing 210 lbs...the Commissioner of the RWF... The Mistress!!!!!!!"
Maxx: YUM YUM
CS: Show a little decency, will ya?
Maxx: Hey Christie
it's not my fault that you're impotent!
CS: What in the hell are you talking
about?
Maxx: Shush! I wanna watch the match!
MATCH RESULT:The Mistress proved why she is The Commissioner by disposing of The Cartel in a much longer match than anticipated.
Maxx: Excuse me for a second.
The Maxx throws off the
headset.
CS: Dammit Maxx where the hell are you going???? Maxx, get the
hell back here!!! Maxx??
The Maxx grabs a skillet under the ring and jumps on the apron.
The
Mistress tries to whip Thug into the corner, but it is reversed, as the Mistress
flies not only in the corner, but in the range of a skillet shot by Maxx...until
a totally buff P.N. Geek comes out of nowhere and gives Maxx a low blow just in
time to cause him to drop the skillet. The Mistress goes out onto the ringside
floor. Cartel notices the action on the apron and laughs their asses off, until
The Mistress enters the ring behind them and gives both members of Cartel a low
blow and planting a Seal of Disapproval on Thug...landing him upon MacDaddy of
Pain and getting the pin.
MATCH WINNER: The Mistress by pinfall
CS: (laughing) Oh my god this is the best match I've seen all night!! Hey wait... what's going on with Mistress and Maxxie?
The Mistress and Maxxie exchange some heated words. Then she grabs Maxxie, takes him to the top turnbuckle, but facing the ringside area...then performs a Seal of Disapproval from the top onto the commentator's table, cracking it in two!!!
Maxx: OH THE PAIN
CS: Four on the Nose Job meter!
Maxx: Tell the wife
and kids I love them
CS: You're not married you dumbass!
Maxx: Where's the
goddamn doctor???
Paramedics come and put The Maxx in a neck brace, then
take him away. The Mistress sits in Maxx' chair and puts on the headset.
CS: Well it's just me for-- Mistress, how are you this evening?
Mistress:
How high did you put that meter?
CS: Four so far.
Mistress: That bitchslap
I gave to your partner felt like four all at once!
CS: He should be
OK
Mistress: Oh good! I had a bit of fun beating the shit out of that jackass
(grins)
CS: You should be interested in this next match, Mistress
"Get in the Ring" by Guns 'N Roses plays...
"From Intercourse, Pa,
weighing 350 lbs...TOOL!!!!"
CS: Look who's coming!
Mistress: Ah yes, Twiddledee and TwiddleSlut
"State of Confusion" by the Kinks plays...
"From the State of
Confusion, weighing 280 lbs...Confusion!!!!"
Confusion and Tonya attempt to taunt the Mistress on their way to the ring, but enforcers prevent another confrontation.
Confusion: Poor baby almost got her ass kicked by jobbers wahhhh
Mistress:
You little motherfucker! (Chris Stafford holding her back) You enjoy that face
of yours while you can because TOOL is gonna perform a little plastic surgery!
The two enter the ring.
CS: Calm down.
Mistress: Oh I'm calm, I am just preparing to getting used
to seeing Confusion not being able to tell his asshole from his head after TOOL
beats him senseless. It's not as if those two parts of the anatomy are really
different in Confucktion's case. CS: (laughing)
MATCH RESULT: TOOL proved his badness in this one. He was all over
Confusion. Confusion did manage to bust TOOL open. That did nothing more than
piss the big man off. TOOL then beat Confusion from one end of the ring to the
other with the razor bat. Finally Confusion hit the mat and failed to get up
again. After being declared the winner TOOL planted a big wet juicy kiss on
Tonya. She didn't seem to mind.
MATCH WINNER: TOOL
CS: Five on the meter now.
Mistress: CHRIST!!!!
CS: Is everything
OK???
Mistress: Not only Confusion's face was rearranged, so was his ego!
CS: Well shit happens (laughing)
Mistress: This ringside seat was
definitely worth it!
"This is a best two out of three falls match!!!"
"From Waco, TX, weighing
355 lbs...J-Dog!!!!"
"Kick the P.A." by KoRn and the Dust Brothers plays...
"Accompanied
by Phoenix,from Hiroshima, Japan, weighing 253 lbs...Onikage!!!!"
MATCH RESULT: First fall: J-Dog started this fall with the edge and pretty
much kept it for this fall. The match spilled out onto ringside with J-Dog
hitting Onikage with the ringside bell. Then J-Dog dragged Onikage back into the
ring and gave him a backbreaker, allowing him to win the first fall by
pinfall.
Second fall: J-Dog again began in the lead, but Onikage started
gaining momentum, dealing clothesline after clothesline, then turning it into a
bodypress -- successfully. Onikage was about to perform his finishing move, but
J-Dog caught him and started coming to blows, then performed the eliminator to
win the second fall and the match.
MATCH WINNER: J-Dog by pinfall in both
falls
CS: J-Dog has anihilated Onikage in two falls in a row!!
Mistress: Now
that's wrasslin!
CS: You can say that again.
Mistress: I could say "Now
that's WRASSLIN!" but I think that would be more Maxxie's job.
CS: (laughing
hard)
"Out of Space" by Prodigy plays...
"From parts unknown, weighing
321 lbs...Y2K!!!!"
"Judge This" plays...
"From somewhere in PA, weighing 292
lbs...Onslaught!!!!"
CS: Ah, a very familiar face!
Mistress: Yes, Onslaught and I worked in a
stable in the TEW.
CS: Is this a type of match for him?
Mistress: Scaffold
matches yes, but with the glass this is even more his territory!
MATCH RESULT:Messy messy messy. that's the only way to describe this. Y2K
crashed (pun intended) to the floor when he attempted a dropkick around the 5
minute mark and Onslaught sidestepped the attempt and shoved Y2K. Y2k was
carried out of the arena on a stretcher, but is expected to participate in the
ultra-rumble.
MATCH WINNER: Onslaught
CS: Six on the Nose Job Meter!
Mistress: Yeah Onslaught!!!
CS: Careful,
you may get a sliver of glass in your boot.
Mistress: Ah I'll be fine, not to
worry (grins)
"This is a barbed wire tag-team match!!!!"
"ButtTown" by Iggy Pop
plays...
"At a total combined weight of 314 lbs...Buttman and
Testiculeuse!!!"
"Countdown to Extinction" by Megadeth plays...
"At a total combined
weight of 653 lbs...Thanos and Gorgon, Faces of Terror!"
MATCH RESULT: Buttman proved useless for his team, and a useless asswhip for his opponents. Thanos ran across the perimeter of the ring with Buttman's face rubbing against the wires. He tagged in Gorgon, and did the same with Testiculeuse. Testiculeuse got out of Gorgon's grip and managed to flip Gorgon over the barbed wire onto the concrete. Gorgon is busted open.
CS: Whoa three added to the Nose Job Meter!!!
Mistress: How high is that
thing now???
CS: Up to nine.
Mistress: Shit bricks and just think the ppv
is in 24 hours!
CS: That's right! Two battle royales and a texas tornado
match. Who couldn't ask for more???
Mistress: Looks like the half dozen
prediction is more than met now!
Gorgon is dragged back in and continues to get beaten for a few seconds,
then he breaks out of Testiculeuse's sleeper and tags in Thanos. Buttman jumps
in the ring, and Thanos grabs both, knocking their heads together. Buttman got
thrown out of the ring and Testiculeuse became a victim of Armageddon.
MATCH
WINNER: Faces of Terror by pinfall.
CS: One hell of a bloody match
Mistress: Oh god get that sonbitch off
Buttman! That's it I'm going in.
Buttman dons the plastic derriere on his actual derriere and tries to attack Gorgon, but he is caught and bodyslammed. Buttman notices a dent in his plastic prosthetic and he pouts. The Mistress if on the ring apron snickering and making fun of Buttman. She then hops off the apron before Testiculeuse attacks her and goes to her seat while enforcers restrain the jobbers.
Mistress: Well that was fun.
CS: Remember when Mr. Dashington said the
jobber rank got weirder by the minute? Here's your proof.
Mistress: Weirder
yes, stupid definitely
CS: Don't these jobbers ever get to you?
Mistress:
Of course not, they're jobbers.
CS: It's time for the 18 wheeler match, our
first of two main events this evening.
Dark Enigma is seen entering the 18 wheeler. As he enters there are crates all around. He goes to hide behind a crate and waits for Shade. Shade enters about three minutes later, looking around as the door of the 18 wheeler closes. Out of the blue comes Dark Enigma with a clothesline. He pummels Shade constantly, but the two roll around in the wheeler. Shade reaches for one of the crates and bangs it on Dark Enigma's head. In that crate is a pair of nunchuckas, which meets Dark Enigma's midsection. Shade continues to break through other crates, hitting Dark Enigma with other weapons, one of them being a glass bottle with a caustic liquid, burning his face.
Mistress: TEN!
CS: Keeping up too eh?
Mistress: Do plastic surgeons
take walk-ins like hairdressers?
CS: Not when I last checked.
While Shade looks around for more implements of destruction, Dark Enigma
barely manages to grab a box. He sneaks up behind Shade and knocks him out with
the box. In it is a singapore cane. He savagely beats Shade in the midsection,
back, face, legs with the cane and using very very hard strokes. The cane was
thrown onto Shade and Dark Enigma feels his way around to the end of the 18
wheeler, and the door latch to let himself out.
MATCH WINNER: Dark Enigma
CS: How the hell did he manage to get out I don't know!
Mistress: What a
savage beating! I liked it!
CS: Nevertheless an enjoyable match! Mistress:
Now for the other main event , Misery vs. Tennant in a singapore caning match.
"Angry Chair" by Alice in Chains plays...
"Accompanied by Melissa,
from the deepest recesses of the mind, weighing 242 lbs...Misery!!!"
"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays...
"From Morgantown, WV,
weighing 245 lbs...'Survivor' Tom Tennant!!!"
MATCH RESULT: Tennant immediately raced towards Misery in the ring aisle and the match begins as an all out brawl, cane lashes left and right. The match went all through the crowd and through the equipment near the locker rooms... eventually it went to the ringside, where Misery gave a bi-polar DDT to Tennant on the commentator's table, then attacked a laid-out Tennant with cane lashes all over.
Mistress: Damn I should commentate more often!
CS: Another table? Please?
Mistress: Tennant's bleeding pretty bad. Nose Job Meter now at eleven.
Moments after the two return to the ring, Misery attempts a pin, but gets
a two count, then Tennant switches the momentum and beats Misery pretty bad. He
tries to set up Misery for a Survivor plunge, but Melissa jumps in and whacks
Tennant in the face. Misery performs another bi-polar DDT and gets the
pin.
MATCH WINNER: Misery by pinfall
CS: Great match
Mistress: One of the best in a long, long time!
CS:
That's it for Saturday Night Slaughter...see you tomorrow at the
PPV.
Mistress: That's it now go away.