Sounds of bombs and fireworks infiltrate the arena as the crowd pumps up for another SATURDAY NIGHT SLAUGHTER!! Signs are all around, such as "Misery is the next champ...TRUST ME" and "TOOL 3:16"
"Rocket Queen" by Guns 'N Roses plays...
"Ladies and gentleman...your RWF commissioner, the Mistress!"
The Mistress walks to the ring, wearing a business suit, but made of leather. She grabs the
mic.
"Before I get down to business, Tonya, thank you for such a splendid evening saturday. You know I never
miss an opportunity to kick your slut ass whether it be in my hometown of Binghamton or Madison Square
Garden or Wembley Stadium in London. We must certainly do it again, and WE WILL. Oh, Mr. Cashington sends his regards.
Now on to tonight's schedule of events.
Tonight will begin with a six-man jobber battle royale: Uncle Sham, Vicious Vegetarian, and Boo-Yah
vs. the Brooklyn Pussy, Blast, and Obi-Wan Jabroni."
She rolls her eyes in a 'oh god' way.
"Also tonight, two tag team debuts: Cartel -- MacDaddy of Pain and Thug -- vs. Twist -- Dark
Enigma and Onikage
The Mob Brigade in a rematch against the Sexicutioners, this time a 'shit bath' match, where
a team will win when they dump a bucket of shit on BOTH opponents!"
Crowd pops.
"The debut of "The Golden One" El Dorado -- he will take on Shade.
TOOL vs. Jakob Creed"
Major pop.
"And our main event: Misery vs. Confusion"
Major pop again.
"Now allow me to introduce tonight's commentators--"
"New York New York" by Sinatra plays.
The Brooklyn Pussy walks down the aisle. He climbs into the ring and gets a mic.
"You know Mistress...you fighting some broad in a strap dog collar catfight saturday was amusing, but
you go around thinking you're some tough bitch from New York. Let me tell ya something lady, how can
you say you're a tough bitch when I haven't seen you fight a man??"
Mistress speaks.
"Well Mr. Pussy, I take it you've never watched any video collections from Total Elimination Wrestling
have ya? Oh wait, you're running around the streets at night acting like some tough asshole, you don't
even watch TV!"
The crowd begins an "ASSHOLE" chant. The Brooklyn Pussy is a bit intimidated by this, but before he speaks again, the rest of the jobbers come
to ringside. Brooklyn Pussy speaks again:
"If you really are the tough whore that you claim to be Slutress...you will take on every man standing in
front of you, and you will defeat each and everyone one of them. Starting with one of us tonight."
The Mistress has this smug grin on her face as she turns to the audience. She turns to the jobbers
and says:
"I like where this is going! Pussy, pick your best man, hell bring yourself, no wait bring all of your
friends. Hell I would be willing to wear a fuckin' strait jacket and kick all your asses!"
The Mistress makes her way down the ring steps when she is attacked by the Brooklyn Pussy and Uncle Sham. All jobbers join in the attack, until the referees and Dr. Macho break it up. After the fiasco, the ring announcer introduces "Dirty" Dave Dashington and "Gentleman" John Jackson to the crowd. The crowd cheers.
Jackson: What an interesting way to start Wednesday Night Rampage
Dashington: MISTRESS IS GETTING HER ASS KICKED NYAH NYAH NYAH
Jackson: OH HUSH! Our commissioner isn't going to let those jobbers push her around
Dashington: Trouble comes in ten.
Jackson: Trouble speaks softly and carries a whip too...hi I'm "Gentleman" John Jackson and next to me
is "Dirty" Dave Dashington
Dashington: What kind of insurance does the Mistress carry?
Jackson: What do you care???
Dashington: Nothing more except she will be using it tonight.
Jackson: You...let's go to our next match.
"New York New York" by Sinatra plays...
"From Brooklyn, New York, weighing 239 lbs...the Brooklyn Pussy!
His second partner from Nitro, WV weighing 220 lbs...Blast!
And his third partner, from a galaxy far, far, away accompanied by Princess Layme, weighing 225
lbs...Obi-Wan Jabroni!"
Boos and the "ASSHOLES" chant
"Hail to the Chief" plays...
"From Washington DC, weighing 155 lbs...Uncle Sham!
His second partner, accompanied by Chef Paul, from Cucumber, WV, weighing 275 lbs...the Vicious
Vegetarian!
And his third partner, from parts unknown, weighing 250 lbs...Boo-Yah!"
More boos, obscene chants, and heads of lettuce being thrown in the ring.
As the ref preps the two teams for the match...
"Just a Gigolo" by David Lee Roth plays...
Dr. Macho walks to the ring with busty women in blue GAP dresses and black berets, each holding three
straitjackets. He grabs the mic.
"You see fans, when the RWF is in Washington DC, not only President Clinton gets STAR treatment!"
Pop.
"Anyway, we're going to make this a little interesting. This is now a 6-man tagteam
straitjacket match, where tags are made when the person holding the rope in their corner touches the
legal man in the ring! And those who try to get away at this point will get their match with the Mistress
TONIGHT!"
While the crowd pops, the six jobbers look rather pissed. The ref helps the six jobbers into the
strait jackets.
MATCH RESULT: Blast and Boo-Yah begin the match with an exchange of kicks. Blast ends up in the
lead, eventually turning his kicks into head butts then tripping Boo-Yah. Boo-Yah crawls over and tags
Uncle Sham, who bites Blast's nose then when Blast turns his back dropkicks him over the rope. Chef
Paul hooks Blast's leg from ringside and Boo-Yah does a flying headbutt on Blast. The match continues with
a vicious assult on Blast by Boo-Yah, but Obi-Wan and the Brooklyn Pussy comes in to interfere, as
does the Vicious Vegetarian and Uncle Sham. The match becomes a brawl so uncontrollable that the ref
just rings the bell.
MATCH WINNER: None - no contest
Jackson: Well that was pointless.
Dashington: I've never seen so many jobbers have a brawl -- and in straitjackets too.!
Jackson: Trust me you didn't miss much the last time.
Dashington: It will be interesting to see which of the jobbers will be the Mistress' next victim
tonight. Next match.
Jackson: Wait I am receiving word of an incident in the locker room area. Let's go there.
Camera cuts backstage where Jakob Creed is exiting the bathroom, from out of nowhere Misery catches him directly across the temple with a Bamboo Cane. Creed crumbles to the floor bleeding badly. Misery then picks him up and drags him into the bathroom, Misery than slams his face into the mirror, breaking it, and shattering the glass in Creed's face, a Bi-Polar DDT on the bathroom floor, and Misery calmly left.
Dashington: Can you say PLASTIC SURGERY Mr. Creed? I knew you could (grins)
Jackson: Oh hush! I just got word that Creed has been taken to the hospital and is now receiving stitches. The TOOL/Creed bout is in limbo at this point. Next match.
A table is placed in the aisle. Placed on it is a bucket of shit. Ringside spectators are gagging over the smell and holding noses.
"Sick of You" by GWAR plays...
"The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Led towards the ring by Timmy the Midget...at a combined weight of 705 lbs....GorGor and Oderus Urungus, the Sexicutioners!!!"
The theme from the "Godfather" plays...
"Their opponents, led towards the ring by Don Ciccolini, at a total combined weight of 585 lbs...Marcellus and Vinny, the Mob Brigade!!!"
Dashington: WHO SHIT???
Jackson: It's this foul odor from the bucket silly!
Dashington: I would hate to see the diet of whoever was generous to leave this present
Jackson: I'd hate to be the one to clean it up after the match, or the one to lose the match!
Dashington: (talking through his shirt collar in a South Park Kenny style) Mmph mmph mmmmph mmph?
Jackson: (looking dumbfounded)
Dashington: Mmph?
Jackson: Get back to me later I want to watch this match. PU.
MATCH RESULT: Both teams showed an utter contempt for one another from the start. The match went back and forth until
timmy the Midget got involved. Timmy the Midget had a craving for fresh nuts and bit The Mob Brigade's
manager Don Ciccolini right in his. This caused Vinny and Marcellus to go after Timmy leaving Oderus and
GorGor free to grab the bucket causing a real "shitty" result for The Mob Brigade.
MATCH WINNER: The Sexicutioners
Dashington: Oh shit
Jackson: Yes, in a nutshell
Dashington: Excuse me I will be right back.
"Dirty" Dave leaves the table and heads to the lockers.
Jackson: Dave? Where are you going???? Well folks, I seem to have lost my partner. Next match.
MATCH RESULT: The team of Buttman and Testiculese proved worthy for about 20 seconds. Then both teams just toyed with them until Testiculese got the Big Shit and Thug nailed him with Popping a cap, eliminating Testiculeuse.
The final two teams really went at it. I mean REALLY went at it. Blood was spilled by all 4 men. Finally out of desperation Oinkage hit Makkankoupousou on the MacDaddy of Pain giving Twist the win.
MATCH WINNER: Twist
Jackson: Twist victorious -- I am rather interested in seeing how this team -- oh there you are.
"Dirty" Dave returns with a gas mask.
Jackson: What the? The Shit was cleaned up! Get that thing off.
Dashington shakes his head. Then Jackson yanks it off.
Dashington: OW!!! Man! Ah....fresh air.
Jackson: (shaking his head.) Let's go to a commercial.
Cut to a commercial. It's a WWF event: Stone Cold vs. Triple H.
Jim Ross: Austin with a few punches.
The King: Come on Triple H!!!!!
Jim Ross: Clothesline...this could be the stunner...wait!!! Where is Steve Austin going???
The King: He's leaving the ring! And the arena! What the hell???
Camera to a Hardee's
Cameraman: Mr. Austin, where are you going?
Austin: You dumb son of a bitch I'm hungry!!!
Hardee's employee: Welcome to Hardee's Mr. Austin!
Austin: A bacon cheeseburger meal, replace the coke with a Natural Light.
Hardee's employee: Sir, we don't have any beer --
Austin: Well, what kind of place is this??? I ask for a goddamn beer and I get coke! This sucks I'm going back to kick Triple H's ass and that's all I got to say about that!!!
A manager comes out asking if there is a problem. He throws the coke in the manager's face and gives him two middle fingers. He storms out of Hardee's, giving the drive through speaker some good kicks.
"Rampage size a bacon cheeseburger meal and get an Austin 3:16 cup free! Only at participating Hardee's."
"Rocket Queen" by Guns 'N Roses plays...
"From Binghamton, New York, weighing 210 lbs...the
Commissioner of the RWF, The Mistress!!!!!!"
The Mistress grabs the mic.
"To any jobber in the back: COME ON DOWN!!!! You are the next contestant on The Ass is Grass!"
Theme from Deliverance plays...
"Accompanied by his sister Bobbie Jo,From Man, WV, weighing 400 lbs, the RRRRRRRRRR-avishing Redneck!!!!"
MATCH RESULT: The match starts out as a shoving match then a lock up. Despite his size, the
Mistress manages to knock him off his feet five minutes into the match. Then she picks up Bobbie
Jo, and carries her to the top turnbuckle. She places bobbie Jo on her shoulders and lands a Seal
of Disapproval right on the floored Redneck and for the three count.
MATCH WINNER: The Mistress by pinfall
Dashington: She really should wear that leather suit more often.
Jackson: Dave...you're drooling.
Jackson gets a bucket and puts it under Dashington.
Dashington: What's this for?
Jackson: I don't want your pathogens on my announcer's table.
Dashington: I don't have a thing and you know it! Now the Brooklyn Pussy however...
Jackson: Save it. I don't want to know.
The Mistress gets a mic.
"You jobber sons of bitches, you bring the next one out when you're ready. As you can see, this damned
Redneck was a bit out of my league as was his sister/wife/fuckpuppet."
Suddenly Misery comes out from the crowd. He attacks the Mistress savagely with his cane, then powerbombs onto the floor over the top rope. He grabs the mic.
"RWF, I walked in here only to get fucked around by the idiots in the front office, I said I will come into your new league, I will draw you wrestlers, I will draw you fans, just let me do what I want......I said fine, I will wrestle Jakob Creed, I will wrestle the jobber, whatever, but then they went and hired Shade, and it's not like it isn't blatantly fucking obvious who he is, but I won't say, I will play the little game, but this league, and it's bet, belongs to me......TRUST ME"
Boos and the return of the "ASSHOLE" chant.
Jackson: Misery got up on the wrong side of the bed. I am still curious as to what history he and Shade share. Apparantely acquaintances of some kind.
Dashington: That Misery gets better and better. You are looking at the next RWF champion.
Jackson: Don't count the others out. I have Jakob Creed as my pick.
Dashington: HIM??? The guy is such a pussy...I mean he doesn't quite have Misery's edge.
Jackson: What is that supposed to mean?
Dashington: John, John, John...you have watched probably more matches than I have, I am QUITE sure you know. Now on to our next bout.
"Shade" by Silverchair plays...
"From parts unknown, weighing 245 lbs...this is Shade."
"Falling Away From Me" by KoRn plays...
"From Golden Rivers, Nevada, weighing 246 lbs...this is 'The Golden One'...El Dorado!!!"
Jackson: El Dorado making his debut in a few.
Dashington: I am interested in seeing how Shade will handle him.
Jackson: This will be a good match for sure. Still no update on Creed's condition yet. We will keep you posted during this broadcast.
"Pencil Neck Geek" by Fred Blassie plays...
Jackson: What the hell????
P.N. Geek walks to the ring trying to look all macho. He grabs a mic.
"You know Dr. Macho, Monica Lewinsky wants to suck my dick."
LOUD boos, and a "NEERRRDDD" chant.
"You two look like a bunch of geeks to me. How would you like to take on a REAL man in a
three-way?"
He removes his nerd clothes to reveal some tights.
The bell rings.
MATCH RESULT: P.N. Geek became a victim of The Gold Rush right after the bell, which was followed
up by a Night Shade. Geek was left lying in pain and pissing his pants as El Dorado and Shade locked up. Shade got control early with some dropkicks until El Dorado hooked onto the ropes making Shade miss his kick. He applies a sleeper on Shade whose arm drops twice, but managed to get a second wind and elbowed his way out of the sleeper. He sprung off the ropes only to be met by the right foot of El Dorado, then the Gold Rush. Again, Shade finds a second wind and comes out of the move, pissing off El Dorado to the point of shoving referee Bob Villinger.
The bell is called at the point.
MATCH WINNER: Shade by disqualification
Dashington: Whoa!! Finally! Someone like me!!!
Jackson: I knew for some reason that you would like him.
Dashington: Excuse me.
Dashington gets up and gets in the ring. He gets the mic.
"El Dorado, let me be the first to welcome you to the RWF."
The two shake hands, El Dorado being hesitant and dumbstruck at first, but the two shake on it and Dashington returns to his seat.
Jackson: What was that for?
Dashington: It's great to see good talent in the RWF, John.
Jackson: To see blatent rule-breakers you mean.
Dashington: He I thought he was a worthy combatent!
Jackson: Whatever.
"Get in the Ring" by Guns 'N Roses plays...
"Led towards the ring by Nurse Payne...from Intercourse, PA, weighing 350 lbs...the master of the buzzsaw...TOOL"
TOOL grabs the mic.
"As you can see, we're missing one. Creed quit your fucking charade..."
TOOL does a high-voiced impersonation of an injured Jakob Creed.
"Ow! Ow! My face! My beautiful face! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
Dashington: (laughing like hell)
Jackson: Disgusting...
"5 Minutes Alone" by Pantera plays...
Dashington: WHAT?????
Jackson: Well, look who's dropped by!
Creed walks out with his face stiched up holding a mic.
"Not rain, not snow, not sleet, not hail, nor a mirror keeps Creed away from a good fight."
Creed runs towards the ring and starts the match.
MATCH RESULT: Both men went right at it from the beginning. TOOL started out in the lead, with momentum changing frequently. Creed started to get the upper hand towards the end. He threw TOOL into to ropes and ducked for the backdrop allowing TOOL to pull a Buzzsaw out of his bag of tricks and score the pin. MATCH WINNER: TOOL by pinfall.
Dashington: But a mirror can keep Creed from a victory.
Jackson: That was sick what Misery did.
Dashington: Sicker than that smell earlier?
Jackson: Yet both slimes. One and the same in an aspect. It's now time for the main event.
"This is our main event"
"State of Confusion" by the Kinks plays...
"Let towards the ring by the Mistress of Masturbation, Tonya...from the State of Confusion, weighing 280 lbs....Confusion!!!"
"Angry Chair" by Alice in Chains plays...
"Led towards the ring by Melissa, from the Deepest Recesses of the Mind, weighing 242 lbs...Misery!!!!"
MATCH RESULT: This was a long grueling, bloody match with much change in momentum...but the real action came when Confusion tried to hit on Melissa. He planted a big kiss on her when Misery smacked him in the knee with a cane. Confusion became a victim of a bi-polar DDT and got covered for the win.
MATCH WINNER: Misery by pinfall
Melissa is really wiping her mouth after the kiss when Tonya gets in her face. It turns into a hair pulling match with Confusion and Misery trying to break it up. Mistress then comes out with a chair, followed by Jakob Creed. Jobbers and El Dorado follow, but they and everyone else is taken out except for the Mistres and Creed. Creed then returns to the locker area as Mistress watches intently.
Dashington: What could be going through the mind of the commissioner?
Jackson: Maybe we will find out saturday. Good night from the nation's capital!
Camera fades from the intent stare of the Mistress, chair still in hand.