Friday, December 18, 1998

EWA Presents

A Special Friday Edition of

"Jump Around" by House of Pain starts up as the camera pans into the screaming audience for the EWA's newest show. Its signs galore in the arena tonight, although most aren't appropriate for family viewing. The camera takes another quick swing around the crowd, then goes to the announcer, Richard Riley, who is sitting next to a beautiful woman.

Richard Riley: Welcome EWA fans to the first installment of Friday Night Slaughter. We have a huge card on hand tonight with a whole bunch of newcomers. Sitting next to me is-

"More Human than Human" suddenly blares out as the crowd jumps to their feet. Dirk Ryan, dressed in a brand new suit comes strolling down the entrance ramp. He looks to be heading to the ring, then switches directions and goes over to the announcer's table. He physically takes the headset off Riley, then points toward the back. Riley just stares at him, then Dirk whispers something in his ear, makes a fist, and Riley is off and running. Dirk puts the head set on, sits down at the announcers table, smiles and winks at the camera, and we are ready to being, once again.

Dirk Ryan: Oh hell yeah, you all didn't expect Riley to bore you through another show did you? As it turns out, I was liked so much last week, that it was decided that I would be given my own show to make fun of people on. My god there is nothing like having a position of power, and being the greatest of all time. And I get the pleasure of sitting next to the most beautiful woman in the world, Alexis Williams. Welcome Alexis to the EWA and Friday Night Slaughter.

Alexis Williams: Dirk it is a pleasure to be here, especially now that I am sitting so close to you.

Dirk Ryan: You flatter me, but I know you speak the truth. I'll tell you what, why don't we take a look at our first match. We'll be taking our first look at Ryland McCoy takes on JT Welch. Oh what an exciting, edge of your seat thriller. This has got to be a contest to find out who has a more stupid nickname. My vote has got to be McCoy, but guess I haven't seen him wrestle yet.

Dirk rolls his eyes

Alexis Williams: Dirk, perhaps its just me, but I don't think that was a very enthusiastic statement. I'm sure it will be well worth our time, I mean, if they are in the EWA, they couldn't be all that bad.

Dirk Ryan: Oh god, you'll learn soon enough. Uh...I'll be right back, I need to go get something to drink. Like a coke and JD.

Alexis: ...okay, Dirk has left the table, I guess we'll get to the match.

The crowd is stirring as "The Extremist" JT Welch makes his way out from behind the curtain and slowly walks to the ring with a very determined look on his face. He snears at some of the fans before climbing onto the ring apron and through the ropes.

"The Gunslinger" Ryland McCoy steps out and stalks towards the ring. He sprints down and slides under the bottom ropes.

The bell sounds.

Welch catches McCoy coming in and immediately puts the boots to him. With each stomp, McCoy gets up to be met by another kick to the back. Welch picks up McCoy and whips him into the ropes. He attempts a clothesline, but McCoy, who is already short, ducks under and rebounds with a cross body block. He takes Welch down with the move and delivers lefts and rights to the head. As he gets off, Welch gets up, only to be met with a gut-wrench powerbomb. McCoy goes for the pin.

One ....

Two ....

Kickout by Welch. McCoy looks at the referee, a little upset at what he considers a slow count. This gives Welch enough time to deliver a crotch shot. McCoy doubles over in pain. Welch picks him up, and delivers a body slam to the center of the ring. Welch bounces off the ropes and delivers a splash. He hooks the leg.

One ...

Two ...

Kickout by McCoy. Welch puts on a front face lock. McCoy gets up to his feet, and suplexes Welch over his head. Both men are winded, and trying to get to their feet. The referee starts counting them out.

One ..

Two ..

Three (McCoy gets to his feet stopping the count).

McCoy brings Welch over to the turnbuckle. He slams his head in. McCoy attempts a bulldog out of the corner, but Welch pushes him off, and McCoy lands hard on his back in the center of the ring. Welch is signalling for the finisher. He hooks McCoy's head, but McCoy reverses it into a rather large package.

One ...

Two ...

Threeeeeeee!

Winner: Ryland McCoy by Large Package.

DR: Hey look at that, McCoy gets his first win here in the EWA and Welch has lost yet another heartbreaking loss. Man, he never seems to catch a break.

AW: Umm....Dirk....are they always going to be that....uneventful?

DR: I sure hope not, but hey, I have an entire bottle of Jack Daniels, so even if the wrestling is boring, I'll liven things up a bit.

AW: Are you going to drink all that tonight?

DR: I think it depends on how good this card is going to be. My god, it is time for another match. Guess what, its another newcomer I know nothing about, and honestly wouldn't recognize him if he came down to the ring and wrestled. Shawn Griffin.

AW: You don't give these guys much credit at all, do you Dirk?

DR: Uh...have you forgotten the last match yet? We might be in for a looooooong night. Fortunatly for us, he is wrestling one of the all time famous wrestlers in the EWA. A man who couldn't even beat a jobber. Ray Anthony. The king of the losers. The master of the job. Christ, lets go to the ring.

Through the loudspeakers blares "Touch, Peel and Stand" by Days of the New, signalling the entrance of EWA newcomer Shawn Griffin. A lot of the crowd is heading to the lobby for concessions and the use of the restrooms. Not a lot of response as Griffin makes his way to the ring. He jumps onto the apron, and over the ropes. He gets a minor pop from the remaining crowd.

"Victory" by Notorious B.I.G. sounds as his opponent Ray Anthony makes his way to the ring. He struts to the ring, not phased by the crowd's negative reaction.

The two men stare each other down as the referee gives the instructions. The bell sounds. A collar-and-elbow tie up. Both men jockeying for leverage. Side headlock by Anthony. Griffin shoots him off into the ropes, and Anthony lands a shoulder tackle on the rebound. Anthony bounds off the near side ropes. Leap frog by Griffin. Another leapfrog. An attempt at a third, but Anthony stops and nails Griffin with a right hand. Griffin holds his mouth and backs up into the corner.

Another collar-and-elbow. Griffin gets the advantage. He has an armbar applied. Anthony flips over his back. Griffin turns around and is taken over by a hip toss. Griffin gets to his feet and is met with a dropkick that sends Griffin through the ropes to the outside.

Anthony bounds off the ropes and fakes a cross body. Griffin moves out of the way, and points to his head. Anthony shoots himself over the ropes onto Griffin. They both are on the arena floor.

Anthony gets up and sees Griffin hunched near the ring post. He heads towards him with a full head of steam for a clothesline. Griffin got out of the way. Anthony's shoulder has just hit steel. Griffin picks up a chair and smashes it across Anthony's back. The referee warns Griffin. He rolls Anthony back into the ring.

Griffin executes a series of submission moves on the arm of Anthony finishing when Anthony reaches the ropes from a hammerlock position. A kick in the gut from Griffin. A small package.

One ...

Kickout. Griffin delivers a clothesline. Anthony is down. Griffin goes up to the top rope. He's attempting a legdrop. Nobody's home. Anthony is on his feet. Griffin is grabbing his rear end. Anthony connects with a flurry of punches, spinning his hands on the final one that knocks Griffin down. He picks up Griffin and executes a victory roll.

ONE ...

TWO ...

THRE.. NO! Griffin got up at the last second. Anthony climbs the top rope. A high cross body from the top connects, but Griffin uses the momentum to roll Anthony over for the pin.

ONE ...

TWO ...

He kicked out. Both men are exhausted. Anthony is to his feet first. He picks up Griffin for a powerslam, but his arm can not hold him. Griffin lands feet first and executes a crucifix. Anthony is down.

ONE ...

TWO ...

THREEEEEEEE!

Winner: Shawn Griffin via a Crucifix

AW: DIrk, that didn't look too bad. Griffin looks like he might have a future here in the EWA.

DR: Yes, perhaps its the fact that the wiskey is taking effect, but that did look like a better match than the first. Griffin did put on a pretty good show. Although we must remember, he was wrestling Anthony. Who couldn't beat a four year old girl. But I think I'll keep him in my short term memory, just in case he turns out to be a good wrestler.

AW: Wow, that was almost a nice statement from the almighty Dirk.

DR: Who were we talking about again?

AW: Jesus Dirk, you are cute, but you aren't very nice.

DR: Jesus, Dirk, cute, nice, they all really mean the same thing. I wonder if this means I am the reason for the season. What do you think Alexis?

AW: I think its time for our next match. And time for you to put down the bottle.

DR: HAHAHAHA!! NEVER!!! But it is time for the next match.

Joker and Cinergy are waiting in the ring for their opponents when the camera cuts to the ring. Reba McEntire’s rendition of the Star Spangled Banner begins playing. Stars and Stripes, The All Americans make there way to the ring, both waving American Flags. They get some reaction from the crowd, but not much. The get to the ring, and before going into the ring, they secure the flags in their corner of the ring. The ref checks all four men and they go to their respective corner when the ref calls for the match to begin.

Joker and Stripes start for their respective teams. The go into a collar and elbow tie up, and Stripes quickly gets the advantage. He twists the arm of Joker hard the first time, and it gets a yelp in response from Joker. He twists the arm around one more time, but this time around he is met with a poke in the eyes. He lands a few lefts to the jaw of Stripes. This staggers the big man, and Joker decides to try a more powerful move and bounces of the far side ropes. Well he didn’t have Stripes staggered enough because he catches Joker with a wicked powerslam. After this he makes the tag to Stars, but Stripes makes the mistake of not keeping Joker away from his corner, so he was able to make the tag as well.

Both fresh men come into the ring, and they quickly begin trading lefts and rights in the center of the ring. Left by Cinergy and right by Stars. Left again by Cinergy, which is followed by another right from Stars. This time when Cinergy goes for a left it is blocked, and is followed up by a stiff European uppercut from Stars. Stars then whips Cinergy into one of the neutral corners then makes a tag to Stripes. Stars runs in first with a clothesline onto Cinergy and is quickly followed by Stripes. Cinergy takes three steps out of the corner before falling face first to the mat.

Stars leaves the ring, and Stripes goes to work on Cinergy. He picks him up only to slam him back to the mat. This is followed by a series of elbow drops. He picks him up and signals for the All-American Drop. This gets Joker to enter the ring, but this is countered almost instantly by Stars. Stars hits Joker with a body-twisting clothesline. He picks him up and throws him out of the ring. Stars and Stripes turn to one another and give a salute. Stars then hops up on the ropes while Stripes sets Cinergy up for a pile driver. Stars leaps and catches the legs of Cinergy and helps Stripes drive him into the mat. Stripes makes the cover, and Stars keeps the returning Joker from stopping the count.

1...

2...

3!!!

Winners: The All-Americans via Star Spangled Spike

DR: God bless this great country called the U S of A. Alexis, I am in tears here. I wish I could have come up with a lame ass, country loyalty gimmick. Then I could have gotten jobbed every single week. That would have been real fun.

AW: Uh...Dirk, the All-Americans did win the match. They look like they could contend for the tag straps.

DR: Alexis, sweetie, please try to understand this. They were wrestling Joker and Cinergy. That's like putting two rag dolls in the ring and telling someone to wrestle them. Hell, you probably could have beaten them. Although, I think that if it was you, they might have enjoyed it. Trust me, they are going to have to get a lot better if they want a shot at the tag gold.

AW: Uhhhg, okay Dirk, you're the expert. And an increasingly drunk expert at that. Seriously, I think you should stop pretty soon. This can't be healthy.

DR: Alexis, I am a grown man. Don't ask me how grown, because this is a family tv show. It is also a boring tv show, and drinking is the only way I'm going to be able to make it through. Oh look, its time for our second, even more patriotic match. This time it will be Lasting Impression taking on the Patriots who are making their first appearence here in the EWA. Jesus, I can already see a feud happening here between the Patriots and All-Americans. Who can be a better american/who can use the stupid gimmick better? This should be interesting.

AW: Dirk, you are so negitive tonight. Is there something wrong, do you want to talk about it?

DR: Alexis, there is a time and a place for everything, and now is certainly not the time to discuss all my problems.

AW: Would it help if I took off my shirt?

DR: Hmm...yes, that would help. Folks, we're going to the ring, and Alexis's shirt is coming off, things are looking up already.

"Louder than a Bomb" by Public Enemy starts playing and out comes Lasting Impression. The crowd erupts into the chant of, "You guys suck!" Nigel Hayes and James Head quickly jog down the aisle ducking the free drinks that the EWA fans are throwing them. Just as they get to the ring the music fades into "Eye of the Tiger" By Survivor. The Patriots makes their way down to the ring with very little acknowledgement from the fans. The two of them get into the ring and the ref proceeds to check all four men. Once he does this he calls for the match to begin.

Phillips and Stansfield instantly begin to pummel Hayes and Head into the mat. Not letting up for a good minute or so, the Patriots just continue to put the boots to Lasting Impression. Right now the only impression being made by Hayes or Head is their heads in the mat. Phillips tosses Head out of the ring, and then leaves himself, so finally only two men are in the ring.

Stansfield picks up Hayes and takes him over in a belly to belly suplex, but does not let go. He connects with another one and this time he lets him go. He hits a jumping senton splash onto Hayes, and then goes into a reverse arm bar. Hayes struggles to get to his feet, and is about to retaliate when Stansfield tags to Phillips.

Phillips hops into the ring and hits a double ax handle onto Hayes’ arm. Stansfield exits the ring, and Phillips tries to take Hayes down with a cross body block but it is has no effect. Hayes slams him hard to the mat. Hayes is now using his immense size advantage to give Phillips a beating. Stansfield goes into the ring to help his partner, but is met by Head in the ring. Lasting Impression is now on the offensive and seemingly has the match in hand. Phillips is left in the corner, and they focus on Stansfield.

Hayes hits a devastating sidewalk slam onto Stansfield, as Head climbs the ropes Hayes is signaling for their finisher. He is about to do his part and put Stansfield in a figure four, but Phillips has gotten up and he nails Hayes in the jaw with a drop kick. Hayes stumbles back and out of the ring. This causes the tope rope to shake and Head gets crotched on the top turnbuckle. The Patriots set themselves up on the first rope, and they then hit a Spread Eagle Faceslam onto Head from the top rope. The two of them make the cover and each hooks a leg.

1...

2...

3!!!

Winners: The Patriots via super Spread Eagle Faceslam

AW: Dirk, that was quite a match.

DR: Yes, those are quite a pair. Huh, what, oh man, I missed the entire match. Was it good?

AW: Yeah, the Patriots look like they could be a good tag team. We might be seeing the future of the EWA top tag team division right here tonight.

DR: Yeah, tag team division. Tits. Man, this is turning out to be a great night. Lets go to the next match. I think this one pits Roadkill against....uh...oh dammit, I forget. So he couldn't be that good.

AW: Roadkill seems to be starting off on the right foot here in the EWA. He has made quite a few people mad.

DR: I'm sorry, but he will never be taken seriously with a name like Roadkill. That is one of the lamest names I've ever heard. Can you picture it...the World Champion...ROADKILL!!!!! Hell no, it sounds gay. That will never work. Roadkill, if you are serious about being a wrestler, get a better name. Yours sucks.

AW: Geez Dirk, tell him how you really feel. Why must you be so critical all the time?

DR: I'm just pissed because you put your top back on.

AW: Dirk, it was getting cold.

DR: I know, I could tell by look at you. Hehehe.

AW: God, why did I take this job??? Lets get to the match.

Travis Keaton is waiting in the ring as "Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson begins to play. Roadkill comes out of the entrance looking very pissed. He looks completely concentrated on destroying his opponent. He quickly walks down the ring ignoring the cheers and boos from the fans..

Roadkill slides under the bottom rope and Keaton immediately starts laying the boots to him. Keaton continues to stomp on Roadkill, then picks him up and whips him into the ropes. Roadkill ducks an attempt at clothesline and nails Keaton with a Lou Thesz Press. Roadkill pummels Keaton with hard left and rights to the head.

The Referee pulls Roadkill off of Keaton. Keaton backs up into the ropes and Roadkill runs at him, nailing him with a clothesline that sends him over the top rope and down to the floor. Roadkill picks up Keaton and throws him head first into the ring railing. A small cut opens above Keaton's right eye.

Roadkill picks him up and drops him throat first across the ring railing. Keaton staggers to his feet and is then slammed into the corner ring post. Roadkill then rolls a very dazed Travis Keaton into the ring. Roadkill goes to climb into the ring but spots a familiar figure heading down to the ring. It's Sarah Ashalnd.

Roadkill turns around and heads towards Sarah. He begins yelling at her. The referee jumps in front of Roadkill and orders him back into the ring. Roadkill turns around only to be nailed by a suicide plancha from Keaton. Both men are down as the referee begins his count.

1…

2….

3….

4…

5….Roadkill staggers to his feet.

6….

7…..Keaton is up and Roadkill is back into the ring

8….

9….Keaton heads towards the ring.

Baseball slide from Roadkill nails Keaton right in the face and sends him crashing into the ring railing again. Roadkill leaps off of the ring apron and nails a double axehandle smash to Keaton's back. Roadkill rolls Keaton back into the ring.

Keaton staggers to his feet and Roadkill runs at him. Keaton catches Roadkill and looks to go for a slam but Roadkill slips outs and nails the Roadkill stunner. Roadkill drops down for the cover and the referee makes the count.

1…

2….

3…..

Winner: Roadkill via Roadkill Stunner

Roadkill gets up and the referee raises his arm in victory. Roadkill climbs out of the ring just as someone comes flying down to the ring. It's Daelin Ashland. He runs right at Roadkill who just turns in time to see him. Ashland nails Roadkill with a clothesline and begins to stomp on him. Roadkill makes it back to his feet and blocks a punch and nails Ashland with a kick to the gut. and then slams him into the ring Railing. Roadkill runs over to Ashland and the two men continue to battle towards the locker rooms as security comes out to break the enemies apart.

DR: Chaulk up another win for Roadkill. And against another top notch opponent. How does he do it?

AW: It is amazing Dirk, oh wait, you were being sarcastic. Well, fine, I happen to think Roadkill is a talented wrestler. You don't seem to think anyone is good, so I don't think your opinion should count for anything. How do you like that?

DR: Uh....I am a vice president, can I fire you.

AW: No, I have a contract.

DR: Then can I marry you?

AW: Aww...we'll see. But now, we have our main event. The newly crowned Cruiserweight Champ, Matt Blanchard takes on the Tyrant. This ought to be a good one, eh Dirk.

DR: Oh yeah, there is nothing like seeing the Tyrant's name on a card to make a man giggle with anticipation. Honestly though, I thought Blanchard's win over Sledge was a major upset. He looks to be a very promising young star. Lets see if he can hold onto the belt for another week by beating Tyrant.

"Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy begins to play throughout the arena. The fans begin to boo as they recognize the music to belong to not one but two of Death Row's wrestlers. The Tyrant walks out to a load chorus of boos. A few seconds pass and the huge behemoth known as the Drifter walks out after him. The two members of Death Row slowly make their way down to the ring almost seeming to enjoy the reaction of the fans.

Prodigy fades away to the more mellow sounds of Boston's "The Launch." The young man known as the "Maverick" comes out of the entranceway to sounds of cheers from the many fans. He holds up the EWA Cruiserweight title belt, which elicits even more cheers from the crowd. He jogs down to the ring, slapping hands with many of the fans close to ringside. "Maverick" jumps into the ring and waits for the bell to sound.

The bell rings and both men begin to circle the ring. The two men lock up and Tyrant surprises Blanchard with a quick arm drag. Tyrant runs at "Maverick" as he gets to his feet and locks on a flying head scissors that sends "Maverick" back down to the canvas. "Maverick" slides out of the ring.

"Maverick begins to circle the ring when he stops short seeing Drifter standing in his way. Drifter makes no move to hit the smaller man but he manages to distract "Maverick" long enough for Tyrant to nail a suicide plancha. Tyrant wastes no time and rolls "Maverick" back into the ring. He quickly climbs the to the top turnbuckle and nails "Maverick" in the face with a missile dropkick. Tyrant jumps down for a cover…

1…..

2…..

3…..No, "Maverick" lifts his shoulder at the last second.

Tyrant looks pissed. He begins arguing with the referee about the slow count, which gives Blanchard a moment to recover. Tyrant goes back to lift up Blanchard who grabs the top of Tyrant's head and drops back down for a jawbreaker. "Maverick" staggers to his feet and runs at Tyrant, nailing him with a dropkick. "Maverick" jumps on top of Tyrant starts nailing him with hard lefts and rights.

"Maverick" picks up Tyrant and whips him into the ropes. Tyrant slides out of the ring near Drifter. The two members of DR begin to converse however the conversation is cut short as "Maverick" executes a moonsault on to both men from the top turnbuckle. All three men are down as the referee begins to count.

Blanchard is the first to his feet and he climbs up on to the ring apron. Tyrant rolls back into the ring. "Maverick" runs and leaps at Drifter with a cross body block. The huge man catches "Maverick" while the Tyrant distracts the referee. Drifter runs at the ring post and rams "Maverick's" back directly into it. Drifter rolls "Maverick" back into the ring.

Tyrant picks up his opponent and drops him with a side slam. Tyrant climbs up to the top rope and flies off with a leg drop. He goes for the cover.

1…

2…

"Maverick" kicks out.

Tyrant again begins arguing with the referee and "Maverick" sneaks up behind him for a reverse roll up. The referee counts..

1…

2….

Tyrant kicks out

"Maverick" gets up holding his back and Tyrant levels him with a clothesline. Tyrant locks on a surfboard type maneuver and arches back. You can see the painful look on Matt Blanchard's face. "Maverick" refuses to quit. Tyrant arches back even further but his shoulders are down on the mat. The referee sees this and begins to count.

1…

2…

Tyrant releases the hold.

Tyrant picks up "Maverick" and nails him with a vicious European uppercut. Drifter has gotten up on the ring apron. Tyrant attempts and Irish Whip but "Maverick" puts on the brakes and reverses it. Tyrant goes flying into Drifter and Drifter flies off of the apron and into the ring railing. Drifter attempts to jump back into the ring but the referee intercepts him.

"Maverick" is yelling a Drifter and the referee attempts to keep the two men apart. Tyrant runs up from behind and lifts a knee into "Maverick's" back that sends him colliding with the referee and Drifter. The referee is down and Drifter is laying outside the ring semi-conscious while "Maverick" is also laying on the mat.

Tyrant begins to pick up his opponent as someone begins to walk out of the back. It's "Deadly" Daelin Ashland! As he gets closer you can see that he is wearing a Death Row T-shirt! Tyrant seems overjoyed. He holds up "Maverick" and moves him towards the ropes. Ashland picks up a chair and jumps on the ring apron. He rears back with the chair and swings.

BOOM!!!!!!

Ashland just nailed Tyrant with the chair. He rips off the shirt, spits on it and throws it on top of Tyrant who is laid out. Ashland rolls "Maverick" on top of Tyrant and goes to revive the referee. Here comes Violent Dark and Pimpdaddy J. They hit the ring and immediately begin attack Ashland. The two members of Death Row begin to pummel the man.

Here comes the "Elite from the Street", Da Playa and "Gangsta" Jimmy Walker. They storm the ring and go after the two men from Death Row. Tyrant is back up but so is "Maverick." The two men go after each other as Drifter climbs back into the ring. Drifter and Walker begin to fight and PDJ and Ashland battle it out. Da Playa and VD are trading fists as Tyrant and "Maverick" wage war on each other. All eight men battle it out as a second referee runs to the ring and calls for the bell.

Winner: Double Disqualification

DR: That looked like fun. All of them beating the crap out of each other. I guess Daelin Ashland didn't like the way his Death Row T-shirt fit. Anyway, this feud looks it isn't close to being over. Speaking of over, it looks like we are out of time this week. Join us next time for another fun filled two hours of mayhem. I'm Dirk Ryan, the best damn VP the EWA has ever seen and she's some hot piece of ass that I conned into helping me with the broadcast See you next time.