Newsletter Section

I seem to recall somewhere along the way that I was required to write a newsletter about the Christmas run. However, my recollections of the event are somewhat hazy for reasons that escape me so I have little to report. I do remember it took my wife longer to get over it than it took me so I guess I was late or something. Ah well, to quote the guy driving the Ferrari in that great cinematic masterpiece 'Gumball Rally' – "Whatsa behind me is not important". It's a new year, a new century and I got new underwear for Christmas, so its time to look ahead – and when the Vet Net Roving Reporter gazes in to his crystal ball he sees … he sees … a whole lot of English soccer players with a high sugar intake … in other words "Sweet FA". Here are some jokes and some other stuff …

World Records Section

Major achievements from the century departed.

v MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED

Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of  semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July  1991.

 

v LONGEST PUBES

Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

v MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH

Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

v ZITS

In July 1987, Carl Chadwick Of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

v WORST DRINK

The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

v MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL

This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains Tomato juice, a Double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard  and a dash of lime. It is not mixed But served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.

v GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A  JET OF SEMEN

Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also  hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

v LONGEST TURD

The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134  washrooms in his state.

v MOST PROLONGED FART

Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

Learn The Language Section

New terms for the year 2000

Air Buffet: A lingering gaseous meal, larger than an air biscuit.

Armbreaker: Particularly energetic wank.

Arse Spider: Tenacious well knotted winnit that cannot be removed without bringing 8 spindly hairs with it.

Audition the finger puppets: A single-act, one man show not suitable for children.

Autograph the gusset: To allow the turtles head to sign the inside of your underpants.

Bacon strips: External female genitalia.

Barnes Wallace: The type of turd that sends a splash of water onto your undercarriage after release from the bomb bay.

Beaded curtain: A luxuriant crop of clagnuts.

Beef box: A container into which sausages are put.

Benny Hill: Rhyming slang, female contraceptive.

Biffer: A particularly hairy minge.

Bilge tanks: "Double gut" effect caused by too tight a belt.

The blind dirt snake: A malodorous, legless lizard inhabiting cak canyon which migrates south every morning.

Brown Daisy: Unpleasantly scented flower which attracts flies rather than bees.

Budgies tongue: Descriptive, the female erective bit!!

Bum Goblin: A gnarled malevolent turd that jumps out behind you casting a painful spell on your ringpiece!

Burma: Acronym, "Be upstairs ready my angel" See POLO.

POLO: Acronym "Panties off, legs open!"

B.V.H: Abbr, "Blue veined hooligan" A six inch tall, one eyed skinhead.

Chugnuts: Extremely large piles.

Clapping fish: Female genitalia.

Cliterature: One handed reading material.

Cockoholic: One who is addicted to cockahol.

Conkers deep: To be in a state of deep penetration.

Cough your filthy yoghurt: Romantic expression for ejaculation.

Crunchie: A sock worn the morning after being used as a wank-mop.

Dingleberry roast: Lighted farts.

Disco fanny: The full strength flavour achieved after 6 hours on a dance floor in PVC trousers.

Ditch Pig: Affectionate term for an ugly fat girl.

Dizzy Gillespie: formidable blast from the spunk trumpet where the ladies cheeks puff out like a bullfrog's.

Double basing: To have sex from behind while fiddling with the ladies left nipple with one hand and her budgies tongue with the other, a position similar to the one adopted for playing the double bass, though the sound is slightly  different.

Drop fudge: Pinch a loaf, crimp one off, have a shit!

Eating sushi off a barber shop floor: Cunnulingus.

Face fannies: Sideburns.

Feeding the pony: One handed feeding of a lady's toothless gibbon.

Five pinter: A very ugly woman you would only chat-up after five pints.

Fizzy gravy: Rusty water, diahorrea.

FLAME: Abbr, Fanny like a mouses ear

Free the tadpoles: To liberate the residents of ones wank tanks.

Geetle: The little pointed bit that hangs outside your rusty sheriffs badge after you've had a Gladys.

Gladys: Rhyming slang, To defecate, from Gladys Knight.

Granny's oysters: Elderly female genitalia.

Greyhound: Very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hairy Scallops: Furry shellfish to be eaten when bearded clams are out of season.

Hand-to-gland combat: Vigorous three minute bout of gladiatorial combat involving a Spam javelin.

Hefty-clefty: Welly top, horses collar. Descriptive of a large vagina.

Kojaks moneybox: The German helmet.

Lord of the pies: Salad dodger, barge arse, Danny Baker.

Mexican lipstick: Embarrassing facial tide mark found after eating out.

Men in the rigging: Small tagnuts found in the hairs of sailors arses.

Ming the merciless: Death by chocolate starfish.

Monkey bath: A bath so hot when lowering yourself in you go Oo! Oo! Oo!  Aa! Aa! Aa!.

Opera house: A large vagina, with heavy pink safety curtains.

Pumpers Lump: The condition of enhanced right arm muscle due to excessive wanking.

Release the chocolate hostage: To liberate Richard the third.

Starfish Trooper: An Arsestronaut..

Tit Pants: A Bra.

Tongue Punchbag, Small man in a boat: See Budgie's Tongue.

Two Bagger: Someone so ugly that two bags are required, one to cover their head and one to cover yours in case theirs falls off.

Up on the blocks: Monthly MOT failure due to recurring leak under the Beatle Bonnet.

Walnut Whip: A minor operation that removes the cream but leaves the nuts intact.

Wet as an otters pocket: Descriptive as to the moistness of a ladies kipper mitten.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

Next Run Section

Oceania Chinese Restaurant

10 Carrington Road

Pt Chevalier

6.15pm, Anniversary Day

Pencil & Musturd in the chair.