Newsletter Section

To: The Grand Wanker,  Old Wankers Hash

From: President,  Cowley Street Residents Association

If I see you bastards anywhere near the vicinity of Cowley street in Water View again I will call the police and have you arrested. This is a quiet, peaceful area and does not need the likes of you parading your cellulite packed paunches around the streets trying to reclaim lost youth. Why don't you act your age.

Yes, I'm talking about you who thought you were so bloody clever when you disappeared down Cowley Street, across Great North Road and into the park but we were watching – watching and hoping that you would get spirited into the looney bin and never seen again – watching as you re-crossed Great North Road and went down Fir Street – watching as you had the absolute gall to stop on the other side of the footbridge and debase the quiet pleasance of the street with your filthy drinking and swearing. Its just not good enough.

Our trained observers recorded the putrescence of your passing as you heaved your steaming, sweaty, filthy bodies past the quiet abodes of Saxon Street and Oakley Ave, hoping beyond hope that you would act like lemmings and leap into the swamp at the end. It would have happened too if that short one and that tall one, who had the stench of 'west' Auckland about them, hadn't dragged you down Howlett Street and into the Reserve.

We all prayed that you would fall victim to Lurker that inhabits the danker parts of the reserve but alas, it was not to be. Far too soon you emerged in Waterbank Street to slake your thirsts on what looked like some vile vitriol left over from some prior orgy of eating drinking and smoking. (Actually it was left over from Baptists daughters engagement to Bobo – which no doubt was a vile orgy of eating, drinking and smoking – Ed)

By now, we, the residents had had enough and we girded our loins with brooms and gathered behind the hedgerows to sweep you asunder as you passed but alas, we were too late and could only watch as you circled round Waterbank and Herdman and through the walkway to the park from whence your disgusting visage had appeared.

At last, we thought, peace would return to our humble hamlet but alas, this also was not to be. As one we recoiled in horror as, in full view of the residents, you proceeded to cook two day old chunks of dead animal flesh skewered on sticks with onions and capsicums on a barbeque. It was disgusting. The sounds of your salivating and slobbering were drowned only by the gurgling of the vile orange stuff from the plastic container and the brown stuff from the silver container that your persisted in pouring down your throats with great gusto. We watched and waited as dusk dawned, hoping beyond hope that one of the bro's playing volleyball would have the decency to shove a flick knife up your collective jaxies, but as always they proved to be unreliable.

Don't come back again.

Cyril

Leftovers from the last run

Breaking News Department

LOMU TO PLAY FOR ENGLAND!

Clive Woodward, England's head coach, shocked the rugby world today with an announcement that ace Kiwi star Jonah Lomu was to play for England next year. The NZRU argued that England were totally disregarding  the laws, pointing out that recent imports such as John Leslie and Shane Howarth at least had Scottish and Welsh blood in them through grand-parentage. At a press conference, Woodward responded: "Everything is above board and we are satisfied that Jonah has English blood in him." Asked to explain this, Woodward pointed out that it had been established by the historians at Oxford that Jonah's great grandfather had eaten Captain Cook.

Next Run Section

Toot

101 Cable Road
Muriwai

Monday 22/11/99
6.15pm

Now … Toots Marriage-Jew-Ahna patch is bloody miles out, so leave work at 3.00pm and set sail. A map is attached.

Nude Skydivers

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"  "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties......" The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man replies, "Damn thing must be an hour fast.