THE ANNAMANIACS : DENIAL'S ROYAL COUPLE
The Hockey Player & the Tennis Lolita

                             July 2, 1997

                             WIMBLEDON, England -- As a journalist, I am
                             not usually assigned to the romance beat, but I
                             have been asked by many Detroiters about Sergei
                             Fedorov and his suspected girlfriend, rising tennis
                             star Anna Kournikova, who in England is called "a
                             stunner" and in America is called "jailbait."

                             The nicknames come from Kournikova's age,
                             which is 16, and her sex appeal, which is about 25
                             on a scale of 10. You may recall her as the young
                             blond waiting by Fedorov's locker after the
                             Stanley Cup championship, or the one wearing the
                             tight leopard-skin miniskirt as she rode in his car
                             during the parade.

                             Here in the London tabloids, there have been
                             several articles about "The Hockey Player and the
                             Tennis Lolita" and there were even photos of
                             Sergei bopping around town with Kournikova. In
                             one picture he was carrying her rackets, which, if
                             the Red Wings equipment guy is reading this, take
                             note, in case you ever need help with the bags.

                             On Tuesday, I spotted Sergei on the balcony of
                             the players' lounge. So I went up to say hello. He
                             was standing with Kournikova, and when he saw
                             me, he smiled nervously.

                             "Mitch, what are you doing here?"

                             I told him I've been covering this event since
                             1984.

                             "Wow. Is that so? That's very good."

                             He kept moving nervously in place. I waited.
                             Where I come from, when we see people we
                             know, we introduce them to whomever we're
                             with. Like, "Have you met my wife?" or "I want
                             you to meet a friend of mine." You know,
                             common courtesy?

                             There was none of that here. Instead, Kournikova
                             -- whose face suggests junior high, but whose
                             demeanor suggests a spoiled princess -- eyed me
                             briefly, spat something out in Russian and went
                             back to looking over the balcony.

                             Sergei did not bother with an introduction.

                             Privacy, Wimbledon don't mix

                             We chatted for a few minutes, about Detroit,
                             about Vladimir Konstantinov and Sergei
                             Mnatsakanov -- Fedorov said he was watching
                             their progress in the newspapers. We talked about
                             tennis and how hard he thought it was.

                             Every now and then, Kournikova turned and
                             snapped something in Russian that suggested the
                             phrase -- and I'm guessing here -- "Will you lose
                             this guy, please?" and Sergei gave me that nervous
                             smile and drifted back to her side. I almost
                             laughed. Here was a 27-year-old multimillionaire,
                             one of the biggest stars in hockey, a guy who just
                             won a Stanley Cup -- and he's wiggling like a
                             sixth-grader spotted by his pals while talking to a
                             girl.

                             Of course, this, too, may have to do with
                             Kournikova's age. She only turned 16 last month,
                             and in America that's still two years shy of the age
                             of consent. If you were Sergei, you might be
                             nervous, too.

                             Then again, maybe these two just want privacy.
                             They have been spending full days together here,
                             and reportedly have known each other for at least
                             a year. And obviously, as native Russian sports
                             heroes, they have a lot in common.

                             But if you want privacy, why rendezvous at
                             Centre Court? Didn't we learn anything from
                             Andre Agassi and Barbra Streisand? At least
                             Agassi acknowledged Babs' existence. When I
                             spoke to Sergei, he acted as if he weren't even
                             with Kournikova. Come on. I'm not that ignorant
                             about romance. You don't fly across an ocean
                             because you like somebody's forehand volley.
                             And I don't think Sergei's here as an adviser. If he
                             wanted to coach juniors, he could have gone to
                             Windsor.

                             Kournikova is just as bad. When a British
                             reporter asked whether "her boyfriend" were here,
                             she said, "I'm single" (which wasn't the question,
                             but shows you what we're dealing with). And
                             when an American TV announcer asked her point
                             blank about Sergei Fedorov, she stopped
                             answering any of his questions.

                             Ah, love.

                             Teen angel with devilish reputation

                             Of course, there's love and there are manners. I
                             did not detect any of the latter on the balcony, and
                             those who have dealt with Kournikova haven't
                             seen a whole lot either. They have seen tantrums.
                             They have seen vanity. She wears expensive
                             jewelry, high heels, and was recently spotted in a
                             black see-through dress. She has posed
                             seductively for a poster, wearing a two-piece,
                             bare-midriff outfit that would make most fathers
                             throw a towel over her. Pam Shriver recently
                             cracked that Kournikova is threatening to "wear
                             out" the mirror in the women's locker room, she
                             stares at herself so much.

                             "I can't help it if other players don't want to look
                             good," Kournikova retorted.

                             Boy, what an angel.

                             I'll tell you this much: The kid can play. I watched
                             her knock out Helena Sukova on Tuesday with a
                             quick serve and some wicked two-fisted
                             backhands. This is her first Wimbledon, and she
                             has reached the quarterfinals.

                             Sergei was in the box, watching that match, and
                             when Kournikova won, she looked at him and
                             gave the "raise the roof" hand push that the Red
                             Wings did on the victory stand. I thought that was
                             cute. Later, I asked her where she got that move
                             from.

                             "I made it up," she said icily.

                             Uh-huh.

                             Now, it is really none of my business -- or yours
                             -- what Sergei and Anna do with their love lives,
                             although a 27-year-old courting a high school
                             sophomore would raise eyebrows in my
                             neighborhood. We can only hope Sergei knows
                             the difference between a babe and a baby.

                             But before I retire from the romance beat, I do
                             want to offer the young cuddlies a piece of advice.
                             Pretending you don't have a relationship isn't going
                             to work in this setting. This is Wimbledon. This is
                             like a giant microscope.

                             Or to paraphrase the old poem,

                             "Never kiss by the garden gate,
                              cause love is blind, but the neighbors ain't."

                             Especially the ones with cameras.
 

 
                                                                        Mitch Albom

 
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