There is a plague on this great land, there is a blight. It is a pile of poker books written by so-called "experts" like Doyle "Texas Dolly" Brunson, "Crazy" Mike Caro, Mason "No Nickname" Malmuth and even David "Nothing Rhymes With 'Sklansky'" Sklansky, the shadow of which (the pile of books, not the authors) threatens to obliterate any reasoned discourse, any true knowledge, of this great game (which is poker).

   Now, at last, I am prepared to publish the preliminary notes for what will become the new Poker Bible - "Sorry/System." Keep in mind, these are just notes, and rough ones at that, of what will be just a few chapters of the finished work, but you can still see the real genius shining through. See it? Look closely:

CHAPTER 3 - Check-raising Off The Button

   The many uses of the check-raise have been well covered elsewhere, but the analysis of this powerful play by other "experts" goes no deeper than the skin of an apple. Sure, any idiot can see how devastating this maneuver can be in early position, or even the middle position, but what about check-raising off the button? Hmmm? 

   Imagine the scene: The preflop betting is capped and you are on the button holding:

   The flop comes:

   You have them! But don't jump the gun! Oh no! You must be sly - lay a trap for them. If you bet right out, you'll scare the fish. Just bide your time. As expected, all of the other players check to you. They are showing weakness! Now is the time to strike: Check - remember, you're on the button - and then raise! Nobody could possibly expect this masterful play! Your opponents won't believe their ears, and the looks on their faces will say it all: They will be dumbfounded.

   How quickly will the average opponent catch on to this play? I don't know. I've never been allowed back in any card rooms where I have tried it, even once. Could it be ... fear?

CHAPTER 8 - The Bluff Fold

   "Strong means weak, and weak means strong."

   This clever deceptive technique, unfortunately, has been played out. So many professional poker narcs have blabbed this ruse to the great unwashed (and I mean unwashed! Have you ever played in Louisiana? Whew!) that even a masterful "Gosh, this hand sure is weak. I guess I'll fold if you bet" will get nothing but snorts of derision from any reasonably wide-awake baboon.

   But, can it be saved? Yes! But you must play it to the hilt! How far must you go? Tears? Hyper-ventilation? Suicide? Perhaps. But the ultimate - the ne plus ultra - in "weak means strong" is the little-known bluff fold. It works like this:

  You are in late position in a hot deuce-to-seven lowball game, and you have a natural 75. Your opponent has a 76 (You know this because you are a master at reading tells. In this case, the "tell" came from a passerby who said "Wow! A 76!" to her friend in a booming stage whisper as she walked by). Your opponent bets, are you ready? You fold! How do you know that the ploy has worked? Because your opponent rakes the pot! Remember: Any time an opponent behaves differently than he would have if he knew what cards you held, he has made a mistake!

   It is important that you never show this particular bluff.

CHAPTER 11 - The Big Food Ploy

   One soi-disant poker "expert" has described in another work how he once induced a call from a hungry opponent by placing a large submarine sandwich in the pot! What a child! Do any of you really believe that this could work now, in the closing months of the twentieth century? Hell no! The stakes have been raised, my friends. If you would induce a gastromotive call in this day and age, you must put on the ritz. Here's how:

   The game is Omaha 8 or better, and we are on the river. You are in early position, and you are holding a steel wheel - the nuts! Your opponents (there are four live players in the pot, plus three dead ones that nobody has claimed yet) are wondering aloud whether or not they should call your pot-sized bet ($12.75). They are saying "Oh! What should I do?" and "Golly! I'm flummoxed!" and "If only I could think clearly, but I'm so hungry!" Now is the time to strike!

   Lure your opponents to their doom with the following savory recipe for fillet of beef "pot au feu." 

CHAPTER 78 - Poker Stories

   There is a tale of long ago, back in the wild west, which I'd like to relate to you now. It shows just what kind of men played poker - or "Hwuffa! Narp!" as it was called - back in olden times.

"Wild Bill Hickock was famous for his ability with a gun, but he was no slouch at the poker table either. One night, he was playing [poker] against two rough characters who had blown into town like a couple of tumbleweeds. They had literally blown into town like tumbleweeds - all curled up in a ball and bouncing down the street. You don't see this much anymore.

At any rate, these fellows were cheaters - a couple of card sharps - and Hickock knew it. Well, he played it cool, and waited for the right time. Sure enough, he manages to get those scoundrels to go all-in on one fiercely contested hand. Every nickel on the table was in the pot, some fifteen dollars and change! When the pot was right, one of the heavies spread his cards and cried, "I've got a royal flush! How do you like that?" 

At this, Hickock drew both of his pistols, saying, "Well, partner, I've got a pair of sixes, and that beats everything." 

"What are you, crazy?" said the second scoundrel. "A pair of sixes doesn't beat a royal flush!"

"Oh, you're right!" said Hickock. "My bad!"

And that's how babies are made."

   Now I'd like to close this essay with a word about luck: Some know-nothing bozos may try to tell you that there's no such thing as luck at the poker table, but friends, I'm telling you now - I've never won any other way. 

   Now go get 'em!