AMERICAN BANDSTAND

NEWS COMMENTARY--A couple of nights ago the nation was on the edge of its seat awaiting the presentation of the Oscars. Who would win best actor, best actress. What would be best picture and most of all, who gives a damn? Last several years most of the movies have sucked and Hollywood has become irrelevant. They have only themselves to blame. I call it the Sheen Syndrome. Instead of going out and recruiting new talent, Hollywood just signs up the kids of stars and turn them into stars regardless of if they have any talent, ala, Charlie Sheen.

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MISTER MANLY

How to be Manly
by Mr Manly

Hot diggedy and Shazam! It's Saturday afternoon and that can mean only one thing, it's time to go to your local airport for your weekly flying lesson. That's right. For the last three months, you've been taking flying lessons making you one of the absolute manliest of manly men on your block.

You not only truly enjoy the craft of flying, but you also enjoy the manly friendship you have developed with Scott, your flight instructor. Yes indeed, you two have hours of fun telling airplane stories and exchanging jokes about the sex lives of farm animals.

However, as you arrive at your flight school, you are informed that Scott is ill today and you will be instructed by a substitute instructor. "Oh well," you say to yourself, "at least I still get to fly." So you bound out to your waiting airplane only to be frozen in your tracks when you discover that your flight instructor is no less than a tall, slender, brunette flying goddess.

Your chin is scraping along the runway as you approach her. You decide that this aviatress would appreciate a dose of your manliness, but how can this be accomplished in a manly manner? Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 4556 and repeat after me:

• Uh, oh !  UH, OH !  I think I feel my landing gear extending !
• Say, yummy-britches. How about you sit on my lap and I'll fly through some turbulence ?
• Let's play Amelia Aerhart -- you be Amelia and I'll watch you go down

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation and two seconds later, when you find it very difficult to fly an airplane, after your hands have been shoved into a rotating propeller blade, you can rest assured that the young flight instructor will have no doubts as to what kind of man you really are.

Well, hot diggedy, now it's Sunday afternoon. One of your favorite days of the week where you do nothing but sit around all day drinking copious amount of beer and passing wind as you watch your favorite sport on TV.

However, this week, your wife has different ideas. She insists that you accompany her to the local colosseum to attend a (dare I say it) DOG show. Normally this would be a most manly activity if this was a show featuring dogs retrieving innocent ducks that have been blown out of the sky or perhaps a cat chasing contest. But No !  This show has such things as little tooty-fruity French poodles with little pink ribbons in their hair and small Pomeranians that look like exploded fur-balls.

Since you are married, you naturally have no say-so whatsoever as to whether you attend the show or not. So, once you have arrived, you need to show your displeasure. But how can this be accomplished in a manly manner ?  Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 2456 and repeat after me:

• Mmmm...  Mmmmmm, honey. This place smells just like your home cookin'
• Gee, too bad your mother didn't come with us, she could have taken first prize
• Golly! I haven't seen this many bitches in one place since all of your sisters came to visit !

Use any of the above phrases in just a situation and for the next month as you notice that not only does her cooking smell like a dog show, it mysteriously tastes like one too. You can rest assured that your wife will have no doubts as to what kind of man you really are.

Well, it appears that your Saturday afternoon watching pro-wrestling has been ruined. This morning, when you woke up, at 1pm, your wife informed you that your refrigerator has broken down yet again.

"That does it!" you say. It's alright to have the wife go out and get takeout meals to bring home for dinner, but what's unbearable is the fact that now you won't have any cold beer to drink while you watch your favorite shows on TV.

So it's off to the appliance store to buy a new fridge. You cautiously check to make sure that no one sees you entering the appliance store, for purchasing a new ice box straddles the fine line between manly and unmanly activities.

However, when you discover that your salesperson is a most highly attractive, buxom, young woman, you decide that you will be able to assert your manliness after all. But how can this be accomplished in a manly manner?

Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 4521 and repeat after me:

• Say toots, how'd you like to show me where I can store my sausage ?
• My wife told me I could get a new box, and she told me to get a new refrigerator while I was at it.
• Hey Hey Hey !  I'd sure like to pop a cucumber in your crisper

Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation and as the female salesperson demonstrates just how well their deluxe deep freeze will hold your entire body, you can rest assured that she will have no doubts as to what kind of many you really are.

Until next time this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly, and Good Day!"

And Now another edition of How to be Manly. Today lesson number 9567.
"Well, it's so slow around here tonight I don't know whether to spit, smile or swallow," you say to yourself. I am referring, of course, to the current situation at your job as a waiter in a Chinese restaurant. Usually on a Friday night you are up to your elbows in hungry, tip-giving customers, gobbling down mounds of Chinese cuisine but tonight, due to the lousy weather, you have had nary a customer for the last two hours. So, you decided to make the night pass a little more quickly by secretly nipping on the restaurant's bottle of fine Galion rice wine from Taiwan. However, unbeknownst to you, Galion rice wine packs one heck of an alcoholic wallop. So, before you know it, there you sit, in an alcohol-induced stupor when, what ho?! Who should walk in the door of your Chinese restaurant but a most beautiful and highly attractive female red head who is packed into a pair of jeans that are so tight they look like they must have been tattooed on! And best of all---she-is-alone!
You are plastered to the gills as you make your way over to her table to hand her a menu but she just looks at you and asks what you would recommend. We-he-hell! You want to give this lovely vixen a dutiful dose of your Manliness but how can this be accomplished in a Manly Manner? Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 9562, and repeat after me:
1.Well, ma'am, I'd recommend--uh oh! excuse me! I think somebody just made my bamboo CHUTE (shoot)!
2.Shoo-wee, Momma! How about I treat you to tonight's special: the "Me Bang YU!"
3.Tell ya' what, Yummy Britches, Let's make a trade. I'll give you a chop suey if you'll give me a mai long dong suk!
Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation and seconds later when you are barely able to see through your tear-filled eyes as the live lobsters in the lobster tank devour a certain two portions of your male anatomy, which were severed with a steel fingernail file, you can rest assured that the lady in the restaurant will have no doubts as to what kind of man you really are. Until next time, this is Mr. Manly saying be Manly and Good Day.