The scene begins today with Dorito sitting on the couch by the wall, watching the television. On the tube there is some diaper commercial airing, and a baby running around butt-naked.
Dorito: Oh come on! This is child pornography! How is this any different than some buxom sixteen year old girl taking off her top? The baby is still entitled as a living, breathing, human being, who doesn't have any clothes on. Why is this sort of child porn allowed and not teenagers? There's guys who get off on this kind of thing, I'm sure of it. Everyone has their own fetish, and with six billion people...sheesh. And people actually buy this stuff from commercials? Ha, I doubt that. TV commercials are the same as pop-up ads and spam, you don't want to see them and they jump on your screen and you can't get rid of them.
The phone begins to ring, and Dorito just looks down at the coffee table at the cordless phone, then looks back at the television screen as it rings again.
Dorito: Stupid phone, why don't people just send email instead? So I don't have to listen to their stupid voices drone on about some crappy product.
Dorito presses a button on the remote control, changing the channel as the answering machine picks up.
Machine: "Hi, you've reached the home of Alicia and Dorito, we're busy at the moment so leave your message and name."
Beep.
Voice: Hello Dorito, this is Tyler from Shadow Wrestling and I'm calling to say that I just saw a tape of the ROPE show from last week and you seem like a guy to stir up controversy. Gimme a call at eight three nine seven six zero one one two zero.
The machine beeps, ending the message, as Dorito just looks blankly at the TV.
Dorito: Damn her, she changed my message.
He gets off the couch, walking along the table as he goes between the space by the end of the couch and end of the other couch adjacent to it near the hall. He walks into the open dining room, going past the table and pushes the erase button on the machine, deleting three messages. He then presses the record button, holding it in.
Dorito: Gooo A-vay!
He releases the button, and walks by the table, heading back toward the couch. But he steps on the arm of the couch at the left end, using it as a springboard as he jumps onto the couch he was originally on, splashing down on the cushions and bouncing a couple of inches before coming to rest on his stomach, looking at the TV. He grabs the remote control, and flips the channel a few times.
Dorito: I haven't watched television in almost two years, and there is still nothing on.
The door pops open, light pressing through the doorway as Alicia walks in with Dusti Rose. They come up the steps as Dorito doesn't pay attention to the laughing women, while he flips to another channel. Alicia stops behind the couch in the middle of the room, staring at Dorito laying on his stomach on the couch, watching television.
Alicia: Sshhh, Dusti, go call the cops.
Dusti: Why?
Alicia: That's not Dorito.
Dusti: Looks like it is to me.
Alicia: He doesn't watch TV.
Dorito: I can hear you talking.
Alicia: What are you doing out of your room?
Dorito: Nothing new on the net to download. Movies coming out right now are utter crap and the next one that looks decent is Underworld, which comes out in a month.
Dusti: And why haven't you been coming to work?
Alicia: You haven't been going to work?
Dorito: People who work there are idiots. And the customers, gosh, the customers. If I talked about the customers...
Alicia: Yes?
Dorito: It'd be a long time.
Dusti: Doesn't help much when you keep refusing to do any work at all either. Keep this up and you're gonna get fired.
Dorito: Blow me.
Dusti: Piece of crap.
Dorito: What if I say please?
Not even looking at them, he flips to another channel.
Dusti: I really can't wait to see that 3WL show, just to see how he is backstage with other women.
Alicia: Yeah, but what a debut I will have. Fatal fourway match with three other women. Beth Thomas is making her debut, and Angel is Trish Stratus' sister.
Dusti: Well it's like I've been telling you for the past few months that you've been training with me. I know you've wrestled before, but this is going to be completely different. No longer in the shadows of men and being some side attraction, it's about the women.
Alicia: Yeah, you're right. I'm nervous, yet excited at the same time. Time is moving so slow, I can't wait for friday. But those announcers, two male announcers for an all female fed? It doesn't make much sense. You could surely do a much better job than them, Dusti.
Dusti: Thanks. But you know I'm working at earning an invite from them, or LIWA. And although friday is just four days away, ROPE is two days away. A fourteen hour drive to Eugene, and I really don't want to ride with you, Dorito. Cause when we get there, all of those guys are going to want a piece of you. You got lucky in that match with Thunder last week, but now wednesday night there's gonna be a rematch. And he's going to want to pick you apart like string cheese. But he won't be peeling, he's gonna be punching, kicking, and biting at you, to chew you up, swallow you, digest you, and then excrete you into a little white toilet bowl like the piece of sh...
Dorito: That sounds like all fun and games and all, but he's got a bum knee. I don't. I pinned him a few days ago without even working out in the past few months. Fluke? I could squabble on and on about not being a fluke, the guys that I have pinned. I am the Triangle Breaker, the Digital Vapor, the Whole New Show. You can't stop me. When I got put in the federal pen, everyone of thsoe ignorant people thought I hit a brick wall, but uh-uh, I just ran it up and backflipped off it before diving through it. Your own president rambles on and on about a war with terrorism, and getting the bad guys. But isn't he the one authorizing the releases of tens of thousands of criminals every year? I mean, I'm sitting here right now, aren't I?
Alicia: But you got released like april last year, sixteen months ago. You're not that strong anymore, in fact, you're smaller now than when you first started wrestling with NCW in 2000. Although that's not lean muscle you have, eating twinkies do play a factor in producing fat, like that tire around your waist.
Dorito: And I'm dead sexy aren't I?
Alicia and Dusti burst out laughing, coughing and almost choking from the comment. Dorito just looks over at them for a few seconds, then back at the television where he flips it to another channel.
Dorito: It's true. I'll prove it to you, this friday, at the 3WL show. A locker room full of chicks and one dick to satisfy any lady that needs it, but only if they say please.
Alicia and Dusti continue coughing and choking, Dusti dropping to a knee as she pounds her fist into the top of the back of the couch in the middle of the living room. Alicia, bends over, facing more toward the door, as she coughs from laughing.
Dorito: What? It's true. Take that Beth Thomas chick for example. She's into guys who don't bath or shave, and I think I can go a few days without shaving. Or perhaps that blonde bimbo, Lisa Lopez. She'd be down on her knees and back the whole time. I mean she's got a hell of a body, from the neck down that is. That face, yyck, kinda like a witch or something. But then maybe if she got a broom and used it for a gimmick, then hey, she may have something. Or Christina Stratus, Angel, my my, just turned eighteen a week ago. But me being the credibly nice guy that I am, I got her a present.
Alicia: *cough* you, hehe, did?
Alicia and Dusti begin to calm down, as Dorito looks over at them.
Dorito: Yeah, I did. I said I'm a nice guy. A jack in the box. My pants are the wrapping, and once she takes those off, THWACK! My one-eyed friend Jack, will jump out and poke her in the eye.
Alicia and Dusti break into another laugh, coughing as they can't take it anymore and fall down to the ground behind the couch.
Dorito: Wow, that's something, tell women how it is, and they drop right to their backs, I have found the secret. It's not lying to impress, it's simply telling the truth. Wow, this is what every man wants to know. But ah screw that, otherwise women would be throwing themselves at everyone, and who needs a used hag still oozing with goo? But before I get to them, this wednesday night, those eventual meals one day, the ducks of Oregon and the fans from Eugene will see lightning, but won't hear any thunder. There will be no rumbling, no turbulence when we leave after the show for Chicago. No, Thunder will be silenced and his interruption will be taken note of. That entire broken down bathroom of ROPE wrestlers, competing for silly things like pride and the thought of excellence, both of which cannot pay cable bills. There is no pride in losing. Nothing. And no money with it. The only money that comes is from selling things away, like the very center of ROPE, and their precious title that they want to use to change the way of professional wrestling that it is today.
Alicia and Dusti, no longer laughing but with smiles still on their faces, get back to their knees behind the couch as they look over at him ramble on.
Dorito: To change it from sports entertainment, the very virus that Vince McMahon has injected into this so-called "business", into what it once was, a sport. Pro wrestling. Thunder can lug his chubby brother slash cousin slash sister around on a leash, spewing out the things that Thunder wants to hear, so he can build his own confidence. Building self-esteem from a carrot, yeah, that's really good. Sheesh. No wonder ROPE gave me the belt to distribute, because I am the market. I am the Super Walmart, and Darrick Summers is the grocery section. I'm the McDonald's, he's the fries. That's it. I'm the whole thing, he's just some attraction. Why is he in ROPE? To bring these stupid ducks in, period. Ducks may fly together, but they swat and peck at one another for a piece of bread. Fans will fight in the crowd over a comment about their own favorite wrestler. People will fight about anything, and that's what makes humans dangerous. For so long it was about advancement and future, now it's still marketed as the future, but it's really about right now and self-destruction in all aspects. The destruction of society, because pride is worthless. People who are gay may have pride in themselves, and they get attacked for that. Prez Bush is legally making it illegal for gay marriages. Yet, he would still like to see two girls making it with one another? I gave that belt to Darrick because he came to me, he wanted it, and we had a deal. I pirated ROPE and plundered it of it's focal point, and he robbed me of our future. Once I'm through with Thunder, then I'm going after Darrick. This isn't about pride, it's about...
Dusti: Yes? What?
Dorito: Blueberry pancakes!
Alicia & Dusti: WHAT?!
Dorito: Look, they've got blueberry pancakes down at IHOP, I'm so there.
On the TV, there is a commercial for IHOP with various pancakes.
Alicia: So what is this with Darrick about?
Dusti: Yeah, what is it?
Dorito: Forget what it's about for now, it's time for breakfast!
Alicia: But it's like six in the afternoon.
Dorito: Point is?
Alicia: People eat breakfast when the sun is rising, not when it's setting.
Dorito: Well I just woke up an hour or two ago, so I think it's time for pancakes. And...
Dusti: You know, I could go for some pancakes too.
Alicia: Really?
Dusti: Yeah. We just did that ten mile jog and spent six hour in the gym, and pancakes actually sound good.
Dorito: How about pancakes in bed?
Dusti: That sounds nice and all, but not with you. What would the people at work say if they heard that? Any respect whatsoever would be completely lost. And I have spent far too much time working hard and gaining respect from wrestlers, other people in the business, and people and customers at work.
Dorito: Well, I wasn't offering to give you pancakes in bed, I just had this thought of eating pancakes in my bed. But if you're thinking about sleeping with me, then hey, all I have to say is stop thinking.
Dusti: What?
Dorito: Yeah, stop thinking and just take to action.
Dusti: You're disgusting.
Dorito: Hey, I'm not the one dreaming about sleeping with me tootz.
Dusti: I wouldn't even sleep in the same house as you.
Alicia: Hey!
Dorito: Cut you a deal. If and when I get some of those hungry, lusting, chicks from 3WL to playing with this dick...
He does the old DY crotch-chop.
Dorito: ...then you and I go out on a date saturday night.
Dusti: You certainly are a dick.
Alicia: Hehe, and when they all kick you in the balls?
Dorito: Then I guess they like it really rough. But if by some chance no one feels like floating on cloud nine, then we'll go to a rave.
Alicia: Rave? Say yes, Dusti. It'll be fun.
Dusti: ...
Dorito: What do you got to lose? Aside from your virginity, which I have a strong feeling you lost years ago.
Dusti with that sweet smirk, looks over at Alicia, then back at Dorito.
Dusti: Hmmm, no. I wouldn't gamble going on a date with you if the odds were infinite minus one to one.
Dorito: So you're saying there's no chance?
Dusti: No chance in hell, which is what wednesday night is going to feel like when you step in that locker room and everyone jumps you because of what you did last week, as they will Darrick. And then that will repeat friday night when every woman, child, man, animal kicks you in the jewels. And when you've been kicked so many times that your "dick" becomes numb and just falls off, then I guess you can wrestle in 3WL.
Dorito: Well, there is rumor of them starting up a men's division. But who is to say I can't already wrestle in 3WL?
Alicia: What are you talking about?
Dorito: I've got the credentials. I'm a former NCW Womens champion, you're not. Neither of you have been champions, and I pull more ability out of a booger than you do in a lifetime. I've held more titles than both of you have been given gifts by ex-boyfriends. And lusted over by teenage boys and grumpy old men who just want a little lovin'. After Chicago friday night, we have to stop in Denver saturday night for FWA.
Alicia: FWA?
Dorito: Some start-up promotion who contacted me because they thought their current roster blows more than some pornstar. And they wanted someone to main event them. But I'm not just gonna main event, I am the Whole New Show, and if you don't mind, I'm going to go change into my pancake eating shirt.
Alicia: Your what?
Dorito: If Dusti and I keep flirting any longer, IHOP is gonna close, along with Perkins, and there will be no pancakes to be had today, which is gonna make money-hungry corporate bimbos sad. So come on, go get ready cause I know how long you women take to get ready and by the time that's ready, the sun will be coming up and I will have to retreat to my underworld of slumber.
Dusti: Could I use your bathroom Alicia?
Dorito: You can use mine.
Alicia: Sure, we'll just shower together.
Dusti: Alright.
Dorito's jaw drops, frozen in place it seems as the remote control slips from his grasp, down onto the carpeted floor. The women chuckle as he just stares at them as Alicia is heard whispering "got him" to Dusti, while they stand up and walk toward Alicia's room. Dorito just stays in place, not moving as the door to Alicia's room is heard closing shut. The camera slowly fades out to black from there.
