Name: Marty

Codename: Marty Van Halen

Rank: 3-Star General

Level of Disgruntledness: 7

Special Attack: Master of Disguise

As you can tell from the photos, Marty is a master disguise artist. This is one of the few pictures of him in disguise. Which one he is, we'll never tell. The only disguise that he allows to be public knowledge is that of Eddie Van Halen. He's often taken over gigs for Eddie. You know, during that whole hip thing, the whole drug thing, and the whole David Lee Roth/Sammy Haggar thing. Any of his other disguises are mysteries. We've heard that some of them involve women's underwear, but that's just a rumor. Marty used to work for the leader of the militia back in hell. He often argued with the bossman about who would get to close a particular ride with one particular female who worked the ride who will remain nameless. (Robyn)If you really know how to use Netscape, you'll figure out who.

Many interesting stories can be told of and about Marty, but we only go into a few here. One involves a member of the militia getting a little too drunk at Va Tech, and grabbing Marty's leg while screaming "I love you, man." Another involves Marty doing the monkey boy dance over top of a member of the militia. Yet another involves Marty screaming at someone, "I"M SICK OF YOU!!!"

Of course, the most recent, and one of the funniest Marty stories involves the party thrown at the compound back in August. Marty was the last to leave the party, and had just had a beer a little before he left. It was insisted that he should stay the night in the compound, but he refused. So, Marty is driving up the road, and gets pulled over by the police for having a busted taillight. While talking to Marty, the cop smells the beer on his breath. He proceeds to do all of the sobreity tests, and Marty passes all of them, but he fails the breathalyzer. Anyway, the cop says that Marty can either go downtown with him, where he'll probably be legal after getting a blood test done, or he can go back to the place where the party was, and spend the night. Marty, of course, chooses the latter. So Marty is driven back to the compound by the police officer. Once arriving, he proceeds to start ringing the doorbell. Obviously, this did not wake the tenants of the compound, so Marty decides to go bang on Keefe's window. Keefe, being the paranoid psychotic, grabs his gun. Keefe proceeds down the hall, where Rick is just getting up. Rick greets a wide-eyed Keefe, who is saying, "I'm gonna kill 'em, I'm gonna kill 'em." Of course, being the somewhat level-headed leader, Rick goes to the door, and just finds Marty coming around the corner. Marty probably would have gotten hot lead up his butt if it hadn't been for Rick.

Here's Marty in civilian clothes having fun.

The next time you hear the song "Big Bang Baby" by the Stone Temple Pilots, try replacing the part where they say, "The world is color blind," with "Marty Brown is color blind." It really works.