Welcome To Kavitha's Quote Page!!!
Hey everyone! I have been collecting quotes for about 5 years now. I assure you, these quotes are of the highest quality - mostly humorous but I did sneak in some wise words. Enjoy!
Quote of the Month:
Here are some other famous works of literature that could easily have been summarized in a few words:
1. Moby-Dick - Don't mess around with large white whales, because they symbolize nature and will kill you.
2. A Tale of Two Cities - French people are crazy.
3. Every poem ever written - Poems are extremely sensitive.
- Dave Barry
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TV Quotes
“We tell you over and over that you're wonderful and you just don't get it. What's wrong with you?” – Daria’s Mom
"Don't worry, I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else." - Daria
"If you die in 100 days then I want to die in 100 minus 1 so I never have to live without you." - Winnie the Pooh
“Life is good, life is earnest; if you’re cold, turn up the furnace.” – Herman Munster
*Dawson's Creek*
“I’m a firm believer that sometimes it’s right to do the wrong thing.” – Pacey
“I’m the best sex you’ll never have.” – Pacey
“I’d like to tell today’s youth that no matter where life takes you - big cities, small towns - you’ll inevitably come across small minds, people who think they’re better than you. People that think that material things or being pretty or popular automatically make you a worthwhile human being. I’d like to tell today’s youth that none of those things matter unless you have a strength of character, integrity, sense of pride. So when you meet a person for the first time, don’t judge them by their station in life. Who knows? That person might just end up being your best friend.” – Joey
*Homer Simpson*
“Heh heh heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!”
“I always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is - and it’s me.”
“And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we’re just making God madder and madder!”
“It’s ok kids, you tried your best and you failed. The lesson is: never try.”
“This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: it just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!”
“Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn’t get to eatch cartoons and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college.”
"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."
"When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently trough the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the Bible tells us, "Let your children run wild and free.""
“I'll handle this...the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty...THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!”
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things its important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! ....Except the weasel."
“Oww, they have the internet on computers now.”
"When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie Police Academy."
"I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world! I wanna watch TV in a different time zone! I wanna visit strange, exotic malls! I'm sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?!"
"If he's so smart, how come he's dead?"
"Well, he's kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."" - Lionel Hutz
“Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.” – Skinner
"What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding..." - Bart
Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.
Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
[Lisa takes Bart to the library.]
Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha. [wink]
Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
Abe Simpson: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front"!
[Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead.]
Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Newspaper Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
Lisa: What percentage is that?
Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't it?
[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse.]
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse Van Houten: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey Powell: He does not!
Class: Janie likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Class: Uder likes Milhouse!
Professor Ludwig: Silence! NOBODY likes Milhouse!
[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.
Insurance Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place "Moe's" you left just before the accident. This is a business of some kind?
Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. Gasp! But what else is open at night?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer's Brain: Heh heh heh. I woulda never thought of that.
Homer Jay Simpson: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
[Lisa sighs.]
Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music.
[Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly.]
Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer: Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once -- just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live!
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
Lisa: Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa!
Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.
Homer: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Bart: These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: (on phone) Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
Lisa: It is better to remain silent and be thought the fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer's Brain: Uh-oh what did that mean. Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one!
Homer's Brain: Swish!
*Friends*
"Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there is some sort of misunderstanding." - Chandler
“Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There’s a lot of theories that didn’t pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.” - Joey
“You’re over me? You’re….over….me? When were you… under me?” –Ross to Rachel
"Gum would be perfection." - Chandler
"(Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand!" - Joey, to his identical hand twin
"I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse. It should have been called "It's a Sucky Life and Just When You Think it Can't Suck Any More - It Does"!" - Phoebe on "It's a Wonderful Life"
“Ok, I know this is going to sounds really stupid—but I feel that if I can do this, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn’t anything I can’t do.” –Rachel
“That's Yasmine Bleeth, she's a completely different kind of chick. I love you both, but in very different ways.” - Chandler
"Hey, I could take 2 minutes out of my day to KICK YOUR ASS!" –Joey
“Hey you know, I’ve had it with you guys and your ‘cancer’ and your ‘emphysema’ and your ‘heart disease’ – the bottom line is, smoking is cool and you know it!” – Chandler
"First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault." - Ross
"Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I BE wearing any more clothes?!" - Joey
Rachel: See, unisex!
Joey: Maybe YOU need sex, but I just had sex a couple of days ago."
Rachel: No, no, Joey...U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.
[After Monica gets a disastrous haircut.]
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.
Joey: It just seems so futile. All these women and...nothing. It's like I'm Superman without my powers. I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
Chandler: Now you understand how I feel every single day. The whole world is my lesbian wedding.
Rachel: You don't want to try things too fast. You know what happened to the girl who tried things too fast?
Jill: No. What?
Rachel: Well... she died.
Chandler: From now on, I have no first name.
Joey: So -- you're just Bing?
Chandler: I have no name.
Phoebe: All right, so what are we supposed to call you?
Chandler: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint.
Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Phoebe: Um... Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint!
Joey: See ya later, Gene.
Phoebe: Bye, Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint! Clint!
Joey: What's up with Gene?
Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the, the cookie recipe, and that stupid fire burned it up.
Monica: No! Why didn't you make a copy and, and keep in a fireproof box and keep it at least 100 yards away from the original!
Phoebe: Because I'm normal.
Phoebe: I don't know, I mean, he just won't, you know, touch me.
Joey: He won't even have sex?
Phoebe: No, not even that!
Joey: Wow... did you ever think maybe, you know, he 'drives his car on the wrong side of the road'?
Phoebe: What do you mean, he's not like British or anything.
Joey: Look, I kinda had a dream, but I don't want to talk about it.
Chandler: Now what if Martin Luther King had said that? 'Yeah I kinda had a dream. I-I don't want to talk about it.'
Rachel: Oh, I almost caught that one.
Chandler: Great, now the score is 7 to almost 7.
Joey: If the Homo sapiens were in fact, homo - sapiens, is that why they're extinct?
Ross: Joey, Homo sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey, I'm not judging!
Comics
"The Dilbert Principle" - Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating and religion.
“I keep forgetting. Does the h stand for my height for the triangle's?” – Paige, FoxTrot
*Calvin and Hobbes*
Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak.
Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.
Calvin: I need help with my homework. What's a pronoun?
Hobbes: A noun that's lost it's amateur status.
“Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.”
“If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.”
“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”
“Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!”
“Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.”
“It only makes sense that every facet of our daily lives should depend upon the position of celestial bodies hundreds of millions of miles away.”
“I thought I had a great idea today, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar.”
"That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse."
"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."
"If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again."
"There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is."
"The way I see it, God put me on earth to achieve a certain number of things. By now I'm so far behind, I'll never die."
"I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realised that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!"
"I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
"I'm at peace with the world. I'm completely serene. I've discovered my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists... I am here so everybody can do what I want. Once everybody accepts it, they'll be serene too."
"Given that, sooner or later, we're all going to die, what's the point of learning about integers?"
"If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt on your part to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the declaration of independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. I'll be out in the playground"
"It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that men are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women. Really, if you are a girl, what would make you go on living?"
" 'The dynamics of inter-being and mono logical imperatives in Dick and Jane : A study in psychic transrelational gender modes'. Academia, here I come."
"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."
"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day."
"History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices."
"I think life should be more like tv. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?"
"I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here." - Calvin's Dad
*Peanuts*
“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.”
“I have a new philiosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.”
“In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.”
“Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
“Be kind, don't smoke, be prompt, smile a lot, eat sensibly, avoid cavities and mark your ballot carefully; avoid too much sun, send overseas packages early, love all creatures above and below, insure your belongings and try to keep the ball low.”
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'is life a multiple choice test or is ita true or false test?' Then a voice comes to me out of the dark, and says, 'We hate to tell you this, but life is a thousand word essay.' “
"Can a philosophy carry us through troubled times? What happens when our philosophy fails? We turn to that most ancient of desperate cries...'MOM!' " - Sally
"Never take any advice that you can understand...it can't possibly be any good!" - Lucy
"Charlie Brown, your faith in human nature is an inspiration to all young people." - Lucy, after pulling away the football
"Security, like liberty, has be won and rewon many times." - Linus, after a fight with Snoopy over his blanket
"It doesn't matter what you believe just so you're sincere!"
" 'Two times two is four..three times three is nine.' That's all we learned today..that's not enough. What if I have four cows, and I want to buy each cow four bags of feed, how many bags do I buy? How would I know?" - Rerun
"A smile makes a lousy umbrella." - Linus
"It was a dark and funny night." - Snoopy
"Well, it's kind of funny..it's not exactly `ha ha' funny..or what you'd call `ho ho' funny, or even `hee hee' funny...I'd say it's what you'd call, `not bad considering it's from a dog' funny." - Lucy
"You DO think I'm beautiful, don't you, Charlie Brown? [pause] You didn't answer me. You had to think about it first. Didn't you? If you really didn't have to think about it you would've answered me right away. I know when I've been insulted! I KNOW WHEN I'VE BEEN INSULTED!" - Lucy
"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement." - Snoopy
Jack Handy
“It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.”
“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.’ ”
“Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”
“To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”
“If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.”
“Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." “
“Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.”
“Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions', and if you got a different 'impression', so what, can't we all be brothers?”
”As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.”
“Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.”
“We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.”
“If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Tramp-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.”
“Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.”
“At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be 'Clark Kent, Dentist,' because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said: How's my back tooth? and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said: Oh it's okay, then the patient would probably say: Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid? and you'd say: Aw &*$# you, get outta here, and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.”
“I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.”
“To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says: Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say: Sorry, got these sacks.”
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' "
“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little newphew to Disneyland but instead I drove him to an old burned down warehouse. “Oh no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think deep down he though it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”
Movies
"For the losers at table seven, love sucks.” – The Wedding Singer
"Most days I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there, and I didn't have to watch you throw it away." – Good Will Hunting
"You've never experienced real loss becuase that only occurs when you love something more than yourself." - Sean, Good Will Hunting
"You'll have bad times, but they'll just wake you up to the good times you weren't paying attention to." - Sean, Good Will Hunting
"You dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fucking education you coulda got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library." - Good Will Hunting
“I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.” – Billy Madison
"Mr. Madison. What you've just said....is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul." -Billy Madison
Mr. Madison: Remember that spelling bee in the 2nd grade?
Billy: Oh no Dad, you didn't.
Mr. Madison: Rock? R-O-K?
Billy: Yeah, so what's your point?
Mr. Madison: R-O-C-K!
- Billy Madison
"No I will not make out with you! You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, people, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!" - Billy Madison
"Back to school! Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool! I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhh, back to school! Back to school! Back to school! Well, here goes nothing!" - Billy Madison
"Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, and I will probably just snap." - Billy Madison
"No I will not make out with you! You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, people, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!" - Billy Madison
"Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, and I will probably just snap." - Knibb High Principal, Billy Madison
"Miss Lippy, the part of the story I don't like, is that the boy stops looking for his dog after an hour. He just sits on his porch like a goon, he didn't put up posters or anything. That boy's gotta think "You got a pet, you got a responsibility! You can't just look for an hour and call it quits. So you get your ass out there and you find that fuckin' dog!" " – Billy Madison
“The price is wrong, bitch!” – Happy Gilmore to Bob Barker
"If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass." - Happy Gilmore
“You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher! I've seen those fingerpaintings you bring home and they SUCK!” - Happy Gilmore
Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They both smell?
Shrek: NO! They have LAYERS. There's more to us underneath. So, ogres are like onions.
Donkey: Yeah, but nobody LIKES onions!
- Shrek
"You can take the girl out of hicksville but you can't take the hicksville out of the girl!" - RENT
“Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless.” - Monty Python
"Brave Sir Robin ran away, bravely ran away away. When danger reared his ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, he turned his tail, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by Sir Robin." - Minstrel, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!" - Dennis, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Arthur: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oh, had enough eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound! - Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"You could be a model. It's too bad you're not sexy." - Sebastian, Cruel Intentions
"You're everything I never knew I always wanted." - Alex to Isabel in "Fools Rush In"
“It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.” – Ricky, American Beauty
“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once... and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember... to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.” – Lester, American Beauty
“You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.” – Jim, American Pie
“She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!” – Jim, American Pie
“How do you know that my dimwitted inexperience isn't merely a subtle form of manipulation, used to lower people's expectations, thereby enhancing my ability to effectively manuever within any given situation?” – Dewey, Scream 2
"Now, I'm sitting in class enjoying a late breakfast when out of all the classrooms in the school, she walks into mine! And where does the teacher sit her? Right next to me! Up until now, one could write this off to coincidence. But then she reaches in her bag and pulls out a strawberry Pop-Tart---the very same breakfast pastry I was consuming at that moment! What was I to do? How was I to proceed?" - Preston, Can't Hardly Wait
"None of this would have happened if Mr. McAllister hadn't meddled the way he did. He should have just accepted things as they are instead of trying to interfere with destiny. You see, you can't interfere with destiny. That's why it's destiny. And if you try to interfere, the same thing's going to happen anyway, and you'll just suffer." - Tracy, Election
"May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us -- may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping." - Indian bartender, Keeping the Faith
"I don't doubt myself because of you. I feel like the best version of myself when I'm with you...and that makes me doubt everything else." - Brian, Keeping the Faith
"Our fathers were our models for God. If they bailed, what does that tell you about God? You have to be prepared for the possibility that God does not like you." - Tyler, Fight Club
"It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything." - Tyler, Fight Club
"Love is passion. Obsession. Someone you can't live without. Someone you fall head over heels for. Find someone you can love like crazy, and will love you the same way back. Listen to your heart. No sense in life without this. To make the journey without falling deeply in love, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try, because if you haven't tried, then you haven't lived." - William Parrish, Meet Joe Black
"I couldn't believe she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name."- There's Something About Mary
"You know when you're singing along with this song, and you know all the words cause you really love it. Then a trains passes and a door closes, and you can't hear the music anymore, but you keep singing anyway. Then, when you can hear it again, you're still perfectly in time with it. Well, that's what love is." - Music From Another Room
"Well, whatever you do, however terrible, however hurtful, it all makes sense, doesn't it, in your head. You never meet anybody that thinks they're a bad person." - Tom Ripley, The Talented Mr. Ripley
"White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior." - Rufus, Dogma
"Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Mary, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility." - Rufus, Dogma
"I did it..I sold them all..All of my paintings. I am a wild success. You don't have to be embarassed of me anymore. I'm rich. Are we happy now? Don't you understand that everything I do, I do it for you? Anything that might be special in me, is you.” - Finn, Great Expectations
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, 'O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless--of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.' That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?" - Mr. Keating, Dead Poets Society
Brian Johnson: What do you know about trigonometry?
John Bender: I could care less about trigonometry.
Brian Johnson: Bender, did you know without trigonometry there would be no engineering?
John Bender: Without lamps there'd be no light.
- The Breakfast Club
"So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book when, shouldn't it be the other way around?" - You've Got Mail
"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after spending a day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - When Harry Met Sally
"Jules, y'know, honey... this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journies by it, but the joke was on them...there was no fire. There was't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when times got tough, just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this. It's our time at the edge." - Billy, St. Elmo's Fire
"I wasn't kidding. I do have a test today. It's on European Socialism."
"What's the big deal? I'm not European. I don't plan on becoming European. So why should I care if they're socialists? They could be facist, anarchist pigs. It still wouldn't change the fact that I don't have a car."
- Ferris Bueller, Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Authors
“To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could;some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tommorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenly, and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your own nonsense." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
“He laughed once and said, ‘That man is such an ignoramus, Father.’ I was angry. ‘Look into his soul,’ I said. ‘Stand inside his soul and see the world through his eyes. You will know the pain he suffers because of his ignorance, and you will not laugh.’ “ – Chaim Potok, The Chosen
"In three words I can sum up everything in life I've learned about life - it goes on." - Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken
"Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do." - Voltaire
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss
“When a person arrives in the world as a baby, his hands are clenced as though to say, ‘Everything is mine. I will inherit all.’ When he departs from the world, his hands are open, as though to say, ‘I have acquired nothing from the world.’ ” – Annie Dillard, For the Time Being
“Quizzical encounters cumulate over a lifetime. Possibly when our brains fire their dying charges we will remember and see, to our dismay, not any best-loved face but instead some solitary figure, a stranger, whose image the mind retains.” - Annie Dillard, For the Time Being
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way--in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only." - Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none." - Shakespeare
"I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be where he will." - Henry David Thoreau, Walden(1854),V, Solitude
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - e.e. cummings
"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." - e. e. cummings
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
- Dr. Seuss
"The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!"
-William Wordsworth, The World is Too Much With Us
"Even if my external destiny has unfolded itself as it does with everyone, inevitably and as decreed by the gods, my inner life has been my own work, with its joys and bitterness and I, alone, hold myself responsible for it." -Hermann Hesse, Gertrude
"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life." - Mark Twain
“India is the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grand mother of tradition. Our most valuable and most structive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India only.” - Mark Twain
*Dave Barry*
"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.”
"Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs--bank vice presidents, insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense--and you'll realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins in the Sears mens wear department dress. Now look at the real successes, the people who make a lot more money than you--Elton John, Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They all dress funny--and they all succeed. Are you catching on?"
"Yeast is a wonderful little plant or animal that, despite the fact that it only has onecell, has figured out how to convert sugar to alcohol. This was a far greater accomplishment than anything we can attribute to giant complex multicelled organisms such as, for example, the Secretary of Transport."
"Then one day in high school, out of the blue, a history teacher named Anthony Sabella told me that the Civil War was caused by economic factors. I still think this was a lie, and not just because Anthony Sabella once picked me up by my neck. I mean, today we have more economic factors than ever before, such as the Dow Jones Industrial Average, but you don't see the North and the South fighting each other, do you? Which is good, because the South has 96 percent of the nation's armed pickup trucks, wheras the North mainly has Fitness Centers, so it would be over in minutes."
USER, n.:
The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
"Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music."
"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."
"Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face."
"I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: 'Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America,' or 'Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.'"
"Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the applications for."
"... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop quickly."
"Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water."
REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I can't help it.
"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent."
"The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said 'Charlie' on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots."
"This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out."
"Internet people love acronyms because they make communication much more efficient, as we can see from the following typical conversation:
Person A: What's up?
Person B: Not much.
Person A: LOL. HEFY?
Person B: ROTFL.
Person C: PMFJ, but IMHO, OJIOGBUOLSWMR TJVAIFWNTMITSI HDHGCOAC."
"Today's children watch shows like 'Sesame Street,' which teaches them that the world is full of friendly interracial adults and cute puppets and letters that form recognizable patterns. This is, of course, a pack of lies."
"For another thing, he [the dentist] and his cohorts always left the room when they X-rayed me. They'd make up flimsy excuses, like ‘I have to go put my socks in the dryer,’ or ‘I think the cat is throwing up.’ Then they'd flip the X-ray switch and race out of the room, probably to a lead-lined bunker."
"The reason this theme is so common in old paintings is that years ago Europe was terrorized by packs of enormous naked women. They would stride into a town, munching on pears, and threaten to knock down the cathedral if their portraits weren't painted immediately."
"Here are some other famous works of literature that could easily have been summarized in a few words:
- Moby-Dick - Don't mess around with large white whales, because they symbolize nature and will kill you.
- A Tale of Two Cities - French people are crazy.
- Every poem ever written - Poems are extremely sensitive."
"I bet they told you that Europe was one continent, and Asia was another. Well, any moron with a map can plainly see Europe and Asia are on the same continent. I don't know who started this lunatic rumor that they were two continents. I suspect it was the French, because they wouldn't want to be on the same continent with, say, the Mongolians. And what about those maps they showed you? Greenland looked enormous, bigger than Russia. If Greenland were really that big, it would be a Major Power. All the other nations would stay up late nights worrying about it. But the truth is Greenland is smallish and insignificant. The other nations rarely even invite it to parties."
"That's how the ancient Greeks got all the credit for civilization. As soon as another culture invented something, the ancient Greeks would come roaring up and name it."
"It's okay to kill fish. It's not like hunting, where you kill friendly brown-eyed woodland creatures such as Bambi and Thumper who talk in squeaky voices. Fish are bad. They go to the bathroom in public waters, and they eat teenagers, as was demonstrated in the fine nature movies Jaws and Jaws 2."
"I walked up to a briefcase-carrying businessman and said, hopefully, 'Excuse me, do you speak English?' He did not, a fact he indicated by looking extremely embarrassed and apologetic, conveying, via bodily language, the message: 'What an idiot I am! Here I am, a Japanese person, in Japan, and I can't even speak English! I should pull a sword out of this briefcase and disembowel myself right here in the station!'"
"I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up."
"First off, we should enact an 'e' tax. Government agents would roam the country looking for stores whose names contained any word that ended in an unnecessary 'e,' such as 'shoppe' or 'olde,' and the owners of these stores would be taxed at a flat rate of $50,000 per year per 'e.' We should also consider an additional $50,000 'ye' tax, so that the owner of a store called 'Ye Olde Shoppe' would have to fork over $150,000 a year. In extreme cases, such as 'Ye Olde Barne Shoppe,' the owner would simply be taken outside and shot."
"I think it's getting worse. I'm talking about this habit people have of driving on interstate highways in the left, or 'passing' lane, despite the fact that they aren't passing anybody. You used to see this mainly in a few abnormal areas, particularly Miami, where it is customary for everyone to drive according to the laws of his or her own country of origin. But now you see it everywhere: drivers who are not passing, who have clearly never passed anybody in their entire lives, squatting in the left lane, little globules or fat clogging up the transportation arteries of our very nation. For some reason, a high percentage of them wear hats. What I do, when I come up behind these people, is the same thing you do, namely pass them on the right and glare at them. Unfortunately, this tactic doesn't appear to be working. So I'm proposing that we go to the next logical step: nuclear weapons. Specifically I'm thinking of atomic land torpedoes, which would be mounted on the front bumpers of cars operated by drivers who have demonstrated that they have the maturity and judgment necessary to handle tactical nuclear weapons in a traffic environment. I would be one of these drivers."
"To really understand the mysteries of the universe, you should look at it first-hand. The best time to do this is at night, when the universe is clearly visible from lawns. As you gaze at it, many age-old questions will probably run through your mind, the main one being: Are you wearing shoes? The reason I ask is, recently I was standing barefoot on my lawn, and I got attacked on the right big toe by a fire ant. This is an extremely ungracious style of insect that was accidentally imported into the southern United States from somewhere else, probably hell. I once saw a TV documentary wherein a group of fire ants eat a cow. When a fire ant attacks your tow, he is actually hoping you'll fight back, so the other fire ants can jump you, after which the documentary makers will beat you senseless with their camera tripods. They all work together."
"I have this daydream wherein the inventor of those [right hand only] desks is shipwrecked on a remote island, and some natives come out of the jungle, and he waves at them in what he thinks is a friendly manner, unaware that this is the fierce Wagoondi tribe, and if you wave at them with your left hand, they treat you like a god, but if you wave with your right hand, they play the Happy Snake Game with your intestines. Not that I am bitter. Nor am I bitter about the fact that I always got bad grades in art class because I couldn't work scissors designed for right-handed people. On Parent's Night, when all the children's art projects were put up for display, mine was the one that looked as though the paper had been chewed to pieces by shrews."
"I'm a middle age white guy, which means I'm constantly reminded that my particular group is responsible for the oppression of every known minority PLUS most wars PLUS government corruption PLUS pollution of the environment, not to mention that it was middle-age white guys who killed Bambi's mom."
"If I designed customs forms, they'd have questions like:
1. Are you bringing in any cocaine?
2. How about Charles Manson?
And so on. But the Bahamas' forms didn't ask anything like this. Instead, they asked -- this is a real question -- 'Has plague occurred or been suspected among rats or mice on board during the voyage, or has there been any unusual mortality among them?' How are you supposed to answer a question like that? Go down into the bowels of the boat, locate a spokesrat or spokesmouse, and say, 'Any unusual mortality around here?'"
"It is a known science fact that, no matter how good your yearbook photo looks now, after 15 years of being pressed up against somebody else's face in the dark and mysterious yearbook environment, it will transmutate itself into a humiliating picture of a total goober. The is true of everybody. If, in early 1991, the U.S. government had quietly contacted Saddam Hussein and threatened to publish his yearbook photo in the New York Times, he would have dropped Kuwait like a 250-pound maggot."
"Now that my son has turned 13, I'm thinking about writing a self-help book for parents of teenagers. It would be a sensitive, insightful book that would explain the complex, emotionally charged relationship between the parent and the adolescent child. The title would be: I'm a Jerk; You're a Jerk."
"For example, my son thinks it's a fine idea to stay up until 3 A.M. on school nights reading what are called 'suspense novels,' defined as 'novels wherein the most positive thing that can happen to a character is that the Evil Ones will kill him before they eat his brain.' My son sees no connection between the fact that he stays up reading these books and the fact that he doesn't feel like going to school the next day."
"Sometimes we Americans try to blend in to the café scene, but the French immediately spot us as impostors, because we cannot pronounce the Secret French Code letter, which is 'r.' They have learned to say 'r' in a certain secret way that sounds as though they are trying to dislodge a live eel from their esophagus. It is virtually impossible for a non-French person to make this sound; this is how the Parisian café waiters figure out that you are an American, even if you are attempting to pass as French:
Waiter: Bonjour. Je suspect que vous êtes American. ('Good day. I suspect that you are American.')
You: Mais je ne portes pas les Nikes! ('But I am not wearing the sneakers!')
Waiter: Au quais, monsieur pantalons intelligents, prononcez le mot 'Rouen.' ('OK, Mr. Smarty Pants, pronounce the word 'Rouen.'')
You: Woon. ('Woon.')
Waiter: Si vous êtes français, je suis l'Homme de la Batte. ('If you are French, I am Batman.')"
"I have not felt remotely cool for a long time, thanks largely to the relentless efforts of my teenage son, whose goal in life is to make me feel 3,500 years old. We'll be in the car, and he'll say, 'You wanna hear my new CD?' And I, flattered that he thinks his old man might like the same music he does, will say 'Sure!' So he increases the sound-system volume setting from '4' to 'Meteor Impact,' and he puts in a CD by a band with a name like 'Pustule,' and the next thing I know gigantic nuclear bass notes have blown out all the car windows and activated both the driver- and passenger-side air bags, and I'm writhing on the floor, screaming for mercy with jets of blood spurting three feet from my ears. My son then ejects the CD, smiling contentedly, knowing he as purchased a winner. On those extremely rare occasions when I like one of his CDs, I imagine he destroys it with a blowtorch."
"The first human beings didn't need computers, because they had no numbers. This was a big problem for parents, because they had no way to control their children ('You kids stop that! I mean it! I'm going to count to... um... to... YOU KIDS STOP THAT!')."
"First off, you need an operating system, which is the 'Godfather' program that operates behind the scenes, telling all the other programs what to do, making sure they cooperate, and if necessary leaving the heads of virtual horses in their beds."
"So there are many different operating systems available, each with different capabilities, advantages, and drawbacks. Which one is right for your specific needs? The answer is: Whichever one is already on your computer. Believe me, you do not want to try to install a new operating system yourself. I have done this several times, and it is terrifying. Your computer is taken over by an Evil Demon Installation Program, very much the way they young Linda Blair was taken over in the movie The Exorcist. First your screen goes blank, and then suddenly you computer starts asking you a series of questions that you could never answer in a million years, like:
The Installation Program has determined that a conflict exists between you IRQ Port Parameter Module and your Cache Initialization Valve. Shall the Installation Program reallocate the Motherboard Transfer Polarity Replication Allotment, or shall it adjust the Disk Controller Impedance Threshold? Bear in mind that if you answer this question incorrectly, all of your data will be lost and innocent people could die.
And: Before it will proceed any further with the installation, the Installation Program wishes you to name the capital of Cameroon.
And: How many men are in your unit? What is your objective? What is your radio frequency? What is the password? ANSWER! THE INSTALLATION PROGRAM HAS WAYS TO MAKE YOU TALK!
This can go on for many hours, and at any moment your computer may start laughing in a diabolical manner and spinning its monitor around 360 degrees and projectile-vomiting green stuff."
"Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave men and women who have died trying to visit it, which we do not recommend because it's located in the middle of La Place de la Traffic Coming from All Directions at 114 Miles Per Hour."
"The actual war itself was extremely depressing and in many cases fatal, so we're going to follow Standard History Textbook Procedure for talking about wars, under which we pretty much skip over the part where people get killed and instead make a big deal over what date the treaty was signed."
"The era immediately after World War I came to be known as the 'Roaring Twenties,' and with good reason: Each of the years had a 'twenty' in it, as in 1923, 1925, and so forth. Also there was a lot of wild and zany activity, with 'flappers' going to 'speakeasies' where they would listen to 'jazz,' dance the 'Charleston,' and drink 'bathtub gin' until they 'puked' all over the 'floor.'"
Humor
I used to think math was no fun
'Cause I couldn't see how it was done.
Now Euler's my hero
For I now see why 0
=e^(i*pi) + 1.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent.
And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Lady Astor: Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
Lady Astor: Winston, you are drunk.
Winston Churchill: Yes my dear, and you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober.
“Analysing humour is like analysing a frog: you can do it, but it tends to die in the process.”
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece."
"Truth is a rare and precious commodity. We must be sparing in its use."
"I wasn't born with enough middle fingers."
"You don't have to agree with me, but it's quicker."
"Some people just want to put a Band-Aid on the situation. I say, hell, let it bleed, baby, let it bleed."
"Who are you and how did you get in here?"
"I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith."
“640 Kilobytes of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody.” - Bill Gates, 1981
“I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.” - J. Edgar Hoover
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.” - W.C. Fields
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." - Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
"Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important." - Lisa Hoffman
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darknes, so working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." - Neil Gaiman
"Forget trying to pass for normal. Follow your geekdom. Embrace your nerditude. In the immortal words of Lafcadio Hearn, a geek of incredible obscurity whose work is still in print after a hundred years, "Woo the muse of the odd." . . . You may be a geek. You may have geek written all over you. You should aim to be one geek they'll never forget. Don't aim to be civilized. Don't hope that straight people will keep you on as some kind of pet. To hell with them. You should fully realize what society has made of you and take a terrible revenge. Get weird. Get way weird. Get dangerously weird. Get sophisticatedly, thoroughly weird, and don't do it halfway. Put every ounce of horsepower you have behind it. . . . Don't become a well rounded person. Well rounded people are smooth and dull. Become a thoroughly spiky person. Grow spikes from every angle. Stick in their throats like a pufferfish."
- Bruce Sterling, speech on The Wonderful Power of Storystelling to the Computer Game Developers Conference, March 1991
Inspirational
"A true winner exceeds his goals and others' expectations-- every time, in everything."
“To the world, you might be one person, but to one person, you might be the world.”
"Never frown, because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile."
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching."
“When life hands you silver, toss it back and demand gold.”
"The secret to true love is falling in love many times, always with the same person."
“The beginner often sees what the expert overlooks. No amount of knowledge is more valuable than a genuine passion for learning.”
"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
"Without order nothing can exist; without chaos nothing can evolve."
"If you really love someone, draw a circle around their name instead of a heart, because hearts can be broken and a circle goes on forever."
"Happiness is not having what you want. It's wanting what you have."
"A person who asks a question is a fool for five minutes, a person who doesn't is a fool forever."
"Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back."
"A man stopped complaining about a pair of shoes when he walked by a man with no legs."
"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those."
“It really doesn’t matter if it is I who die or another. What matters is that we are all marked men.”
“When you walk across the field with your mind pure and holy, then from all the stones, and all growing things, and all animals, the sparks of their souls come out and chling to you, and then they are purified and become a holy fire in you.”
"Man strives for glory, honor, fame, so that all the world may know his name. Amasses wealth by brain and hand. Becomes a power in the land. But when he nears the end of life and looks back over the years of strife, he finds that happiness depends on none of these but love of friends."
"Sometimes I question my existence and purpose in life.The more I question myself, the more I become lost in myself because there are no answers. I think the key is to realize that life is temporary and spending life questioning life is a waste of life." -Fred Durst
"In a time of drastic change it is the learners who survive; the 'learned' find themselves fully equipped to live in a world that no longer exists." - Eric Hoffer
"Man's mind stretched by a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"It is not so difficult a task to plant new truths, as to root out old errors; for there is this paradox in men, they run after that which is new, but are prejudiced in favor of that which is old." - Charles Caleb Colton
"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them. I'd be at the bottom to catch them." - Charles Schultz
"The real winners in life are the people who look at every situation with an expectation that they can make it work or make it better." - Barbara Pletcher
"Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know." - Daniel J. Boorstin
"Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life." - Burton Hills
"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything." -Muhammad Ali
"Those who desire to give up Freedom in order to gain Security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one." - Thomas Jefferson
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed." - Albert Einstein
“It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.” - Albert Einstein
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy." - Albert Einstein
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. " - Albert Einstein
“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Critisize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I may not forget you.” - William A. Ward
"There has never yet been a man in our history who led a life of ease whose name is worth remembering." -Theodore Roosevelt
“Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing.” – Theodore Roosevelt
"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind." - Buddha
"Following the Noble Path is like entering a dark room with a light in the hand; the darkness will all be cleared away, and the room will be filled with light." - Buddha
"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it." – Buddha
"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand." - Confuscious
"By three methods we may learn wisdom:
First, by reflection which is noblest;
second, by imitation, which is the easiest;
and third, by experience, which is the bitterest." - Confuscious
"We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions." - Reagan
"When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionably." - Walt Disney
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." – Gandhi
"To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest." - Gandhi
“An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind.” – Gandhi
"To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer." - Gandhi
"It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word." - Andrew Jackson
“A man's learning is an imperishable and precious wealth. All other possessions are less golden.” - Tirukkural 40:400
“Those without wealth may one day prosper, but those without
Kindness are utterly destitute, and their fortunes never change.”
- Tirukkural 25:248
"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." - Ziggy
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anaauis Nin
"The difference between good teachers and great teachers is that great teachers have mastered the art of teaching people things they didn't know they needed to learn." - Jeff Wahl
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." – Plato
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit." –Aristotle
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle
"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumsatnces. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, if they can't find them, they make them." - Geogre Bernard Shaw
"Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty - they merely move it from their faces into their hearts." - Martin Buxbaum
"All honor's wounds are self-inflicted." - Andrew Carnegie
"Friendship improves happiness and abates misery by doubling our joy and dividing our grief." – Marcus Tullius Cicero
"A friend is, as it were, a second self." - Marcus Tullius Cicero
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - John F. Kennedy
"A person needs at intervals to separate himself from family and companions and go to new places. He must go without his familiars in order to be open to influence, to change." -Katherin B. Hathaway
“The more I work, the more I see things differently, that is, everything gains in grandeur every day, becomes more and more unknown, more and more beautiful. The closer I come, the grander it is, themore remote it is.” – Giacometti
“We are talking about God. What wonder is it that you do not understand? If you do understand, then it is not God.” – Augustine
“One death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.” – Joseph Stalin
“God has nothing to give you that he is not giving you right now.” – Joel Goldsmith
“The soul teaches incessantly, but it never repeats.” – Rabbi Pinhas
"People do not live in the present always, at one with it. They live at all kinds of and manners of distance from it, as difficult to measure as the course of planets. Fears and traumas make their journeys slanted, peripheral, uneven, evasive." - Anais Nin
"There's no greater power than the power of goodbye." –The Power of Goodbye
“Yes there are two paths you can go by
but in the long run,
there's still time to change the road you're on.” – Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin
“It’s crazy, I’m thinking,
just knowing that the world is round
and here I’m dancing on the ground,
am I right side up or upside down,
and is it real or am I dreaming?” –Crush, Dave Matthews Band
"Oh, look at me in my fancy car and my bank account. How I wish I could take it all down to my grave. God knows I'd save and save. Man, take a look again, take a look again, things you have collected, well in the end they all pile up so tall, to one big nothing, one big nothing at all." -Dave Matthews Band
"I am growing older, waiting in this line. Some of life's best lessons are learned at the worst times." - Ani Difranco
"People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help but may attack if you help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway." - Mother Teresa
"We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend." - Robert Louis Stevenson
"I keep my friends as misers do their treasures, because, of all things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or better than friendship." - Pietro Aretino
"Graduation is only a concept. In real life every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life. If you can grasp that , you'll make a difference." - Arie Pencovici
"To search for the truth you must first have lost it." - Waldo Salt
"Show me the books he loves and I shall know the man far better than through mortal friends." - S. Weir Mitchell
"In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present."
- Tao Te Ching
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Last updated on September 5, 2002 at 11:14 P.M.