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What do you call a person who's against changes? An antiderivative.
What do you call a person who doesn't know how to fix clocks? A counterclockwise.
What do you call an apprentice of a symphony conductor? A semiconductor.
Q: How do I speak a foreign language well?
A: Go to Tibet and speak English.
Hillary Clinton goes to heaven and St. Peter is showing her around and she spots all these clocks all going at different speeds. She says to Peter, "What are all the clocks for and why are they going at different speeds?"
Peter replies, "They are for everyone on earth and every time they commit an illegal act the hands move."
So she asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock."
"God's using it for a fan."
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about all the problems going on that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."
In the year 2003 Bill Clinton tragically died in a fatal car crash, which naturally he went straight to hell. When he got there he met the devil. The devil told him that he had three choices to live eternity. Behind the first door was George Washington hung from the ceiling being burnt from the fire below. Bill said that he didn't want to live the rest of his life that way, so they went to the next door. Behind door #2 Abraham Lincoln was strapped to the wall and being tortured. Bill did not want this either so they went to the last door. Behind this door Richard Nixon was pinned against the wall and Monica Lewinsky was giving him a blow job. Bill told the devil that this is the way he wanted to spend the rest of his life. The devil looked at Monica and said, "You can leave, you've been replaced."
August 25, 1999
BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE
LITTLE ROCK, AR 72201
Dear Mr. N.O. Body:
We would like to inform you of the following:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame -- in Washington, DC.
This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, he returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised land." Nearly 60 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and, light up a Camel. This is the promised land." Now Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Fraternally,
BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE
PS It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the democratic party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed.
'Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.
The interns were nestled,
All dressed in berets,
In hopes that 'Big Bubba'
Would come out to play.
When, on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.
Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And, it's pre-empting 'M*A*S*H'!
And, what to our wond'ring
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for all to hear.
With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy 'do,
And a tale to be told --
To me and to you.
On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and breasts.
The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world would know
Bubba'd gotten a hummer.
And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have all this trouble.
And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
With pundits galore,
And White House 'insiders'.
You ask, "Who would care
'Bout Bill and his penis?"
Well, there's Republican Starr
And he's armed with subpoenas!
More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
'Here's one for you!
And for you, oh, and you, too!'
'Here, Jordan! Here, Cockell!
Is there anyone else?'
'Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!'
'We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And all those he sleeps with,
'Cept for his wife.'
And, many months later,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr has uncovered.
We've learned 'Little Bill'
Has a 'mind' of his own,
And, horror of horrors --
That 'mind' likes to get blown!
But a funny fact also surfaced,
After 40 million bucks;
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton......
(uh, er... makes love to.)
The economy's great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, most of us hope
Monica NEVER stops blowing!
Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To 'E.R.' and to 'Friends.'
So, Monica, and Linda,
Hey Ken Starr, you suck --
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.
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