Even More Funny Stuff
You Know It's Summer in Kansas When . . .
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your
car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person
is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside...at 6:30a.m. before
work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not
having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The thermometer on you gas grill reads "HOT" before you light it.
Sunscreen with less than 50 spf is called hand cream.
Some fool can make money selling mini-misters for joggers because
some fool will actually jog.
Hot air balloons just lie there.
Your car overheats just sitting in the parking lot ... not running.
You need sunscreen to go check the mail.
You see two trees fighting over a dog.
Watch Out For That Tree
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
Tips for Northerns Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Say out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
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The things presented here do not necessarily represent my views. I apologize for any who are offened.
Http://www.geocities.com/Lori42/jokes2.html
May 27, 2002
LJB