So young, so bad, so what!! The movie that introduced the adjective "Jiggly" into our American vocabulary.

    Jenny, a shy, innocent, teddy bear clutching girl of thirty is sent to the Hair and Make-up wing of a juvenile reformatory filled with unruly underwear toughs headed by the leather-bra clad Charlie (Wendy O.Williams) and ruled over by Edna, a sadistic blue eyeshadow wearing warden.

   There's a special place in my heart for this 1980's Jiggle-gem, it used to be a staple late-night movie. What it lacks in plot is more than made up for in shower scenes and Hollywood casting-couch skanky-girls willing to prance around in their panties.  And hey, it might not be art, but it makes for good cinema. The semi-nudity is amazing in that you almost see everything...but don't.  Not a flash of nipple, not a curl of pubic hair.  I suspect their undies were held in place with spray-on rubber cement.

   Wendy O. Williams (Punk Rock diva and lead singer of The Plasmatics) was quite a charactor. She was in her mid thirties when she did this gem, but like the saying goes "It's not the years, it's the mileage". She looks kinda' ragged and sounded worse. Her voice, pretty much blown by years as a scream-rocker, sounded like a two pack-a-day smoker who removed asbestos on the side. Even in her tiny bikini panties and leather push-up bra she looks like a skinny teenage boy, so beware those of you with a delicate constitution, the bunk-bed scene alone might permanently scar your sexuality.  Wendy O. killed herself recently. I suspect it was because she thought this movie would be the pinnacle of her career (a depressing prospect for sombody as colorful as her). In her prime she was famous for sky-diving naked and smashing sports cars with a sledgehammer. 

   Favorite quote: "keep those hands above the sheets girls, we only wash them once a week"

1986, Directed by Tom DeSimone who is also responsible for the masterpiece "Hell Night" featuring Linda Blair.  Three push-up bras out of a possible five.

   Gamera. He's a giant turtle, He eats fire, and he's the friend of children!  He's Also a blatant rip-off of Godzilla.

   Hoping to ride on the coat-tails of Toho Studio's successful Godzilla movies Daiei studios released "Gamera the invincible". It's the heartwarming story of a gigantic fire eating turtle and his misunderstood love for a small boy.

    A convenient atomic explosion awakens our hero from a million year nap underneath the Arctic ice, and boy is he cranky.  He immediately takes out some aggressions by bitch-slapping several toy boats and model planes.

    Meanwhile in a related sub-plot, little orphan Kenny is engaging in some unhealthy turtle-related activities of his own.  He daydreams about turtles in school, he scribbles disturbing crayon drawings of turtles, and he sneaks food to his little turtle super-pal Tibby.  Now, since this was the sixties they didn't have our modern sophisticated methods of dealing with childhood psychosis, namely drugging his ass, so Kenny's uncle does the next best thing and tells Kenny to toss little Tibby.

   Well, I won't spoil the intricate plot for you, let's just say Tokyo pays the price for uncle dummy-san's rash decision....

   Made in 1964, this is the last of the great black and white japanese monster movies.  Mystery Science Theater did their treatment of it and is definitely worth seeing if you can find a copy.  Several MST websites offer pirate copies for sale but I couldn't vouch for them.  If you know an honest MST seller please E-Mail my punk ass.

   If you see only one Giant-radioactive-waste-eating-ants-with-hypnotic- powers-trying-to-enslave-humanity-and-make-the-whole-world-its-own-  personal-ant-farm movie this year, consider making it this one....

   Were I a cynical person I might suspect that Empire of the Ants (a movie about ant radioactive mutant ants) was a rip-off of the movie "Them" (a movie about giant radioactive mutant ants).  Joan Collins provides the cheesecake while proving that all actors have to start somewhere.

   Directed by Bert I. Gordon, legendary creator of such 1950's cheapies as "King Dinosaur" "The Puppet People" "Earth vs. the Spider" and "The Amazing Colossal Man".  His work is only rivaled by that of Roger Corman (see below).

   You can't talk about low budget 1950's monster movies without mentioning oger Corman.  He's the director behind such masterpieces as "Wasp Women" "Night of the Blood Beast" "Teenage Caveman" " King Dinosaur" and the classic 50's masterpiece "Attack of the Crab Monsters".

   From the depths of the sea...a tidal wave of terror!

A group of hapless teens are trapped on a volcanic island that's gradually shrinking, and if that wasn't enough to screw up your tropical vacation, the island is inhabited by giant brain eating crabs (don't you just hate it when that happens?). 

   The beauty of campy monster movies that most people miss is that they exist at all. Think about it, sombody was willing to put up the money to finance a movie about brain-eating crabs, a director wasn't too proud to take seriously the job of directing a movie about brain-eating crabs, a production designer was able, through stratigic use of paper mache', to make giant brain-eating crab costumes, the actors were willing to be upstaged by brain eating crabs, and all these people did this with a straight face.

HOME