Though some us were far from attending the Holy Land this past Friday, rumors of highjinks became so rampant and widespread as to reach yonder South. Between sessions of peeling my sunburned nose and scratching my sand-chapped ass on Miami Beach for "business" (read: feeding Cubans to the sharks), stories defying sensibility, fallibility and physics filled my ears- from friends and strangers alike - allowing me to quite disgustedly piece together the madness which ensued this dark, dark night. Those with pride in humankind, please turn back now.

5:30- Jay leaves a message on Jarrod's answering machine wondering where the hell he is, and at what time he plans on attending the CG. Jarrod was nowhere near to receive this message. There is a God.

6:45- Jay calls John, complaining that Jarrod is not to be found. John is able to surmise that he is either dead or in Miami. Either alternative, it turns out, is the greatest compared to what went on in Allston. "Screw him," they agree.

8:05- Resident Indian Jay shows up at CG, followed closely by John. Jay asks where Lisa is. "She went dancing. I wanted to go but she wouldn't let me. Bitch thought I was kidding." Jay's got his Bud, John gets a Newcastle. Wally serves it with a crooked smile.

8:10- Thanks to a nearby performance calendar, it is noted by both that Booty is playing tonight. "Christ," says John, "they're as bad as the goddam Lemmings."

9:30- Zaira arrives with much fanfare: "Dennis just tried to grab my ass." John responds with "Did he succeed?" while waiting for his third Newcastle. Jay waits for his first BL&S after three Buds, frantically asking anyone who'll listen to join him in a blue kamikaze shot.

9:35- Pete walks in and proclaims himself "not gay," despite the fact that he is wearing a skin-tight Hubba Hubba outfit, Ming-death-grips the hot waitress and "hugs" five guys before the ice in his Pink Squirrel even begins to melt.

9:40- Bill shows up in full IRA regalia. Some chick who arrived just before him is heard to say "That's the asshole who pushed me out of the way in front of International Bikes yelling 'I love drinking!'"

9:45- Sherwin stops by for a Coke, long enough to remove his girdle and blow everyone away with his up-to-now unknown enormity. He demonstrates his immense sumo-wrestling skills by pinning that Irish-troll-frequent-visitor girl in two seconds (some say less).

10:00- Nick Donnelly, Dave Cronin and Dave O'Rourke arrive and proceed to out themselves as Irish guys. The shock of this revelation drowns the house of all sound but "Purple Rain" over the stereo, and even Prince seems to stammer.

10:30- Devang shows up outside, only to be turned away with the explanation "One frickin Indian at a time. We don't need no stinkin plagues."

10:32- Devang successfully sneaks into the bar by sucker-punching some girl at the back alley exit who thought she'd found the lady's room.

10:40- Neil shows up with a noticeable limp because his girlfriend is not accompanying him. "My left side is numb," he explains, obviously because said girlfriend is not attached to him this evening. He therefore must use his right hand to alternate between drinks, cigarettes and chicken fingers while his left arm, leg and ear turn purple and fall off.

10:50- Red Vest shows up, spears Dennis with her beak and scares the hell out of the band. The bar (including management) collectively yells "Don't come back!" as Booty scram. Unfortunately for all, one of them fucking reggae bands is waiting in the wings, and any hope of good music is immediately sucked out of the air. After witnessing such madness, John is able to ask Red Vest the question everyone wants answered: "What'd you do, jump ship?"

10:55- Crazy Legs arrives with a bong and a hooker. No one seems to notice the accessories. Luke has a half dozen black-and-tans lined up for him.

11:10- Mike needs another black-and-tan.

11:30- Albino, Megadeth, UTG and UCG show up together, reeking of sex and tequila. The jig is up: much like Michael Jackson in the Nashua Friendly's, the four of them have been a publicity stunt manufactured by management to keep the posse coming again and again. Jay goes berserk, smashing the Guinness posters and hand-crafted beer-on-tap signs while yelling something about boobs not possibly being that large.

11:50- The guitarist for the fucking reggae band breaks his E string. It is the highlight of their career.

12:30- John turns to Jay to ask "Do you know where my Pike toll ticket is?" Jay doesn't hear him because he's too busy making out with Zaira. Seeing this, Luke bellows "It's about fucking time!" or something resembling that. John turns away confused, but fortunately notices Crazy B.C. Chick's hand
down his pants.

12:40- Adam shows up completely faced. He has a Long Island iced tea and goes home with Luke.

12:50- Someone resembling Magnus Magnusson walks in. John and Jay each grab him by an arm and demand that he benchpress the apartment building across the street that blares salsa music every Friday. "Magnus" complies without identifying himself as, in fact, Brandon Beauvais.

1:30- "The Cruise to end all Cruises" commences. Too bad the only sights seen are Thalia's House of All Things Psychic and the silhouette of some 12-year-old Somerville girl undressing.

2:45- On his way home, John pulls up to the drive-thru of a closed Taco Bell and demands his Pike ticket. He is later seen ordering a "fucking burrito" from toll-taker Donnie Wahlberg at the Mass Pike/128 intersection.

Meanwhile, Jay gets four flat tires on the upper deck, waves down a gold low-rider Mercedes and is transported safely to a 24-hour Aamco station. He says "Thanks for the lift, negro. That was a crazy fly dope bomb phat ride." Luckily Jay can run fast.

Friday, August 14- CG is on. Join us, won't you?