CG-Weekly for August 21, 1998

GIVE ME A HELL-YEAH BECAUSE THE WEEKLY IS BACK IN THE HAZOUSE!!!!

Posse present:  Bill, Andy, Magnus, Duke Nukem, Tubbs, Johnny Poon Tongue, Snipes, friend of Magnus, Sam - friend of the Duke.

Well fellow CG-ites I am proud to say, the comeback for the weekly has commenced.

Last week, after reading the phantom numerous times, and laughing hysterically, I knew that it was time for the return of the Warrior Weekly.

You'll have to bare with me, I forgot to take notes, who would have thought that a weekly would really return.

8:50 Bill Bradford, formerly known as "finger cuffs" (why, we don't know) and Al.....Alcoholic (Andy return from the crappiness of Ithaca MacNeil) were already present and accounted for. Drinking the long missed friend, Guinness.

9:00 Brandon Beauvais, now known as Magnus, makes his entrance, orders his booze.  While drinking, he is informed that the new guy behind the bar has started a tab, but being a rookie he made the cardinal mistake of asking Bill for his credit card.  So Magnus gave the new guy a tombstone piledriver and then power pressed him through the window.

9:02 The Duke picks up Tubbs and they proceed the gas station.  While The Duke fills his tank with 23 gallons of cruisin' goodness, Tubbs is able to go get food in the North End, have a sit down meal and then return to The Duke topping of his tank.

9:15 Duke Nukem makes his entrance and proceeds to order his Bud Draft as per protocol. Then, I quickly assess the situation at hand.  Bill is frothing at the mouth because he hasn't been able to finish any of the 5 Guinness.  Why?  Because Al keeps guzzling them all down, all that can be heard is,"mmm Guinness....  mmmm....much ...better....than...the beast....(gurgle gurgle gurgle)

It is immediately noticed, that and integral part of CG is missing, Wally.   Luke's Friday evening counterpart was replaced by Vincent, giving Wally a well deserved night off. 

9:15 Tubbs makes his entrance, and is instantly blown away by the presence of Magnus, mainly because he is clobbering Al with his immense forearms attempting to rescue the last sip of Guinness for Bill.

9:30 Johnny Poon Tongue stumbles through the door already faced, kicking the CG troll, then slapping Magnus in the ass and kissing Al thinking he's Pete.

9:45 It is noticed that the house band of the night is Reggae.  Immediately the posse tries to think of alternative activities for the evening.

10:05 Sam makes his CG entrance, recently coming of his 3-day bender, he settle for a chicken sandwich  and a couple beers.

10:10 The first round of Blue is ordered for Magnus, Tubbs, Duke, Al, and friend of Magnus.

10:12 Second round of Blue is ordered for the above mentioned.

10:20 Snipes enters, and proclaims to all that he is his "own man" from now on and wants a Newcastle stat. 

10:30 Johnny Poon Tongue turns to ask Bill if he had to leave for work soon, but to his dismay Bill is in search for a new nickname and has settled on, Boy who loves the CG-troll because she has agreed to join his, "IRA CG Brotherhood". While his hands are down her pants he realized that she is better endowed than he.

10:47 After eating Snipes tells everyone that he is tired and want to go home.  We laugh because we know the true reason is that he is expecting a phone call at 11:00 from his left attachment. He admits it and is thrown through the now boarded up window.

11:00 The reggae band is so dumb they can't seem to figure out why they are at CG.

11:27 BLS, Guinness and other fine drinks are free flowing from one side of the bar to the other.

11:29-12:15 The band has realized that they are there in fact to play some of their crap, but during this whole time, as a result of their complete ignorance, they attempt to set up their equipment.

12:17 band starts producing some god awful sounds.

12:20 A couple of muscle heads decided that they had to prove their manlihood or the band has driven them to insanity.  NOT IN OUR HOUSE PALS, And if a fight does ensue and it doesn't include the Posse, you better believe that we are gonna get a good laugh, because drunks are gonna get an ass whoopin'; courtesy of Dennis and the boys.

12:20:03 As the fight starts, Luke places his hand on the forehead of Magnus,yelling, "Don't Move!", and then in one, single, effortless motion, Luke glides over the bartop, coming to the aid of Dennis and the new guy. 

12:20:30 Vincent also makes his way of the bar for the chance of getting his hands wet in any possible ruckus.

12:22 Dennis, Luke, Vincent and new guy have easily taken control of the situation and are dragging the hoodlums out back for an old-fashioned ass-kicking.

12:24 Luke goes into cardiac arrest because of all the fun and excitement that he was just a part of. Bill, as always, quickly thinking in his drunken state, jumps the bar, perfectly pours a Guinness, drinks it in two seconds (some say less), pours a second Guinness, jumps back over the bar and places the Guinness in smelling distance of Luke.  Almost automatically Luke gets up and resumes tending the bar without ever missing a step.

12:35 A third round of shots is ordered, but this time to be different, it is a grape crush. Tubbs slams it down and then frantically runs around telling all who listen, and some who don't that he is the phantom writer and is thus the single-most powerful man in the world.

12:45 The Duke tries to leave because he has to teach in the morning.  Johnny Poon Tongue doesn't believe him, thinking the real reason has something to do with a girl.  This puts J.P.T. in such a rage that he grabs the Duke by the arm, clotheslines him, throws him into a figure-four leg lock and forces the Duke to re-think his hasty decision.  Result: The Duke stays.

1:15 Magnus is trying to pick up some girls merely by showing them his bulging biceps.

1:22 Bill is in a complete rage over his former nickname, finger-cuffs.  He decides that Devo is the single culprit behind the nickname and demands that Devo be now known as "No Show".  He then punches Al in the face and takes his wallet, only to find a few Canadian dollars and a used condom. Bill returns the wallet and then moves a few seats away from Al.

1:40 Last call.  Al, being in the boonies so long, thinks its the dinner bell and automatically assumes his customary position: cow milking.  Unfortunately for Al, this isn't Ithaca, and that wasn't an Utter he grabbed.... So sad.

1:55 THE LIGHTS COME ON!

2:10 Luke finally is able to tally up the bill, and the Posse stammers out the door. The new guy has apparently been informed and says, "see you ph-fantastic guys next Friday".

And that's what happened.

Don't believe me, show up and you can be part of the oh so ever-present festivities.

Next meeting: August 28, 1998.

Same Warrior Time, Same Warrior Place, Same Warrior Bar Stools, cuz Stone Cold said so.

I hope you all enjoyed the warrior weekly.   I'll try to take notes next week.

Until Then, always believe.

Duke Nukem