10/2/98 THE FOUR HORSEMEN WEEKLY

After a week of toil on the plantations working for da man, the crew justly looked forward to the prospect of a loving embrace from the CG: our life-giver and invigorator of our soul. Thus our story begins . . .

9:10 - Andy (Alcoholic) and Bill (Lover of the CG troll and ex-fingercuffs) arrive at the CG and immediately drink Arthur Guinness’s protein.

9:20 - Brandon (Magnus) arrives and orders himself a Bass, having been drinking since work let out.

*Bill has noticed that for the past few weeks, the disco ball that guides his life, and the Mexican Salsa music that makes it spicy, and makes him bust a move has been given the Zantac treatment, and has led him to the conclusion that Magnus has indeed power-pressed that tenement, and thus his absence from the motherland can be explained by the fact that he has been hiding out from the fuzz.

9:30 - Jarrod, of the Cowboy-Shirt nation arrives, and the Apocalypse is complete.

We four realize that when the end comes, the CG has our back. Jarrod orders a New Castle and points out that Bill is sitting next to Albie the Albino and Dave Mustaine. We begin to rail on him - singing "Rust in Peace," which is the only song we seem to know (thankfully), and end by telling him that he must suck pretty bad to have been booted by Metallica.

Dave and Albie, frightened by our immense guns run like girls to the door, singing "Step by Step."

Jay and John are in absentia. Jay is in Michigan visiting his woman, I mean cousin, once removed, while John’s absence is yet to be understood. It is assumed that after work, he sucked down 10 BLS’s and shoved a 9 iron up his caddies’ ass, and then at breakneck speed, took down Rte. 1 yelling at guidos, "I’m gonna stick a canoli in your asses!"

9:45 - The crew orders fries, chicken fingers, and chili w/ nachos in order to sustain our drinking for the evening.

10:05 - Food is out and we begin our feast giving great cheers to Luke for bringing it to us.

10:30 - The Infractions go on but we thought that it was just one guy with a guitar who was hanging around hence infraction.

10:35 - Blues are immediately ordered to deal with the music (if you call it that).

The evening would have been complete if Pete showed up. When all hope was gone, who should arrive but Pete wearing his skin tight pink dress. This fruity ensemble was topped off with a floppy straw hat w/ a blue an red bandanna (indicating no gang affiliation) with a daisy and lime green go-go boots with tassels. He immediately yells, "Pink squirrels for everyone in the haz-zous!" He grabs Dennis’ ass and is immediately escorted out to the back alley where Dennis and Luke bitch slap him. Wally joins in on the action by yelling, "Why are you so gay?!" and doing an Irish jig on his face! (Poor Pete).

11:00 - The crowd starts rolling in and the music is still going but the horsemen were so drunk they didn’t even know it.

11:20 - Magnus, living up to his name, becomes Daddy Mack as he spies his fresh meat for the evening.

11:22 - Andy thinks that Magnus has left and turns around to see him pimpin’ on some fly bitches.

11:25 - Magnus fully emersed himself in his ho’s and gets lost in the crowd.

11:45 - Jarrod posed the question, "When will John drink again?" and an overwhelming court marshall was threatened. If he even orders a gingerale again he will suffer Pete’s fate of being forced to dance with his hands screaming "I love Booty!"

11:47 - The switch occurs:     Bill - T & T

                                            Andy - StoliVanilla and coke (Hi 5 Buddy where are you?)

                                            Jarrod - Whiskey Sour

                                            Magnus experiments with a StoliStrawberri and soda. He likes it.

12:15 - Band finishes their first set to the yells of "You suck!" coming from the 4.

12:16 - Luke rings the bell and Bill echoes, "Sound the bell school’s in sucka!" and starts the Hammer dance.

12:30 - Luke tells us about his new car which is an Audi that has no heat. We laugh and asked if he was becoming a yuppie. All we got was a "hell no" and another round.

1:15 - Bill threatens to kill the guy who kept hitting him with his elbow.

Dennis removes the dick and Luke soothes Bill’s anger with a Heineken.

At this point a new character was introduced to us. Too Tall McGraw stands in at 6 foot 11. This enormous beast stood in front of Andy and suffered the nagging drunk question of "how tall are you" from him seven times as Andy falls off the bar stool before Too Tall left.

1:30 - Bill and Andy switch back to beers. Andy has two buds and Bill has three Heini’s in a half hour. Jarrod remains faithful to the whiskey sours saying, "Once you start you never turn back."

2:00 - LIGHTS ON! Bill tallies at $146! A job well done for the four horsemen! It take the horsemen five times to get the correct count of money. Each time totaled a different amount. Jarrod increasingly becomes convinced each time the money was wrong that Magnus was stiffing us because he was macking with the chicks. Jarrod goes over to interrupt the "Iron Sheik’s" harem but is stop when the real amount is finally counted.

2:05 - Magnus needs a pen and paper for digits! He gets them and the four horsemen leave suplexing everyone in front of them leaving the CG in ruins.

See you on Friday where, as Pete’s idol Prince says, "We’re gonna party like it’s 1999." Same warrior time, same warrior place, same warrior seats!

Peace!

AA - Alcoholic Andy

Nature Boy / CG troll lover - Bill Bradford