Happiness, Rainbows, And Really Hot Chicks

February 3, 1999

By Morgan Carlson

I don't think this letter will have much to do with hot chicks. I just put that in there so Matt would pay attention.

Anyhow, it's time to pump the positivty with Zen Morgan! Yeeeeeee-ha!!! Diet Shasta and Cheese Puffs for one and all! Yes, I have been in an incredibly good mood lately, that is no lie. I think this newfound joy is due to the recent mental discovery I made: I am being carefully guarded by a mystical being of great power.

Pretty cool, huh? This being - whom I have named Frud - takes damn good care of me. I am the most lazy student ever, and yet Frud makes sure I end up in good schools and pass all of my classes. I was once a bitter and antisocial cretin, and yet I have the best friends in the world. Frud's work, of course. Frud has let me coast through life for years and years, and I am eternally grateful.

However, Frud is a guardian, but he does not give out happiness like pre-packaged Halloween candy. He protects me from pain, but it is up to me to find my own joy. (Frud can't do ALL of my work for me. I have to leave him some free time to play video games and date other protective entities.)

Of course, pursuing pleasure has always been one of my 'problem areas.' Whenever I have the opportunity to take a chance and reach for personal or romantic nirvana, I tend to get a little skittish and scurry back to my room to play video games in the safe, dark confines of my corner lair. I won't name any specific examples of when I've gotten scared and not taken relatively minor risks for potential bliss, since my 'friends' tend to name these specific examples frequently whenever they need some laughs at my expense. Zen Morgan does not believe in being angry at such harmless teasing, and I abhor violence, but if these smart-alecks ever happen to catch a wooden plank to the back from an unknown assailant sometime soon, that would be an unfortunate but fitting punishment.

But my holding back, much like crystal colas and new episodes of 'Darkwing Duck,' is a thing of the past. After all, how can my work be rejected, or how can a girl say no? Frud is protecting me! I am invincible!!!

Man, it's going to be sweet.

Me: "Hi there. Want to get dinner some time?"
Really Hot Chick: "Well, every instinct is telling me to say no. You're slouching, barely making eye contact, you're wearing a 'Sorcerer University' T-shirt, and you seem to have combed your hair with your fingers. But... some bizarre, mystical force is guiding me to say 'yes,' for some reason."
Me: (Looking up to the sky and giving a thumbs up.) "Thanks, Frud."

Frud then winks and smiles before returning to his cosmic PlayStation for a game of 'Buckeye Bill's Big Bad-Ass Bayou Bazooka Blast-Off Ballyhoo.'

So everybody climb out of the gene pool, 'cause I'm diving in. Yeeee-ha!!!

- Morgan -

P.S. Hey, on the fifth level of 'Buckeye Bill's Big Bad-Ass Bayou Bazooka Blast-Off Ballyhoo,' does anyone know where to find the Guacamole Key to open the Temple of the Swollen Toaster? I've collected six Red Hard Hats and an entire flask full of pixie urine, but I can't seem to make it all work. And I keep getting killed by those damned Granola Gypsies and their Crystal Snot magic.